Meant to Be
by ChloeM
Summary: Lily Evans and James Potter share nothing in common, not even their feelings for each other. Their seventh year together brings fear, challenges, and perhaps even love.
1. Chapter 1: The Letter

****

Disclaimer: It's all Jo's.

Dearest Lily,

Hello! I hope you are having an absolutely splendid summer. Or at least, as splendid as it can be without seeing me…sorry! Sorry, I'm just joking. Please don't crumple this paper up, I actually do have something important to say. However, before I get to that, let me offer you my sincerest congratulations! You are, of course, Head Girl, yes? Of course you are. I mean, who else could it be? My dear Lily, you are the fairest, the smartest, the strictest, the most rule-abiding…Ah, Remus just interrupted me to tell me that flattery won't get me very far, so I'll just cut to the chase.

I'm Head Boy.

Well, have a good summer!

Your handsome, adoring friend,

James Potter

Lily stared at the letter, shocked. She was indeed Head Girl, but James Potter, Head Boy? He had to be joking. Which, considering that this was _James Potter_ she was talking about, was very likely. As much as she hated satisfying his more than likely wish to have her respond, she felt it was necessary. She wanted to get this straight. There was no way that James Potter was Head Boy.

_Then again,_ said a voice in the back of her head_, who knows trouble-making better than him? He knows all the tricks…_She then, very stubbornly, told her head to shut up. There was no way James Potter was Head Boy.

Not feeling like wasting her new stationery on the git (she had recieved it for her birthday; it was very pretty and had a large lily at the top, next to her name.), she turned the piece of parchment he had sent over.

She was slightly amused to see several games of tic-tac-toe, all of which James lost miserably. She gathered this by the scribbles beside each game reading things like "Sirius Black owns you" or "Potter sucks, Black rules." She couldn't help but laugh at a game of hangman (which James had lost) where the "man" (which she assumed was decorated by Sirius) had messy black hair, glasses, and x's for eyes.

Picking up a pencil, she started to write her reply, but was interrupted. "Lily! I'm glad you decided to use my parchment. I was worried for a moment," came James's voice from the paper. Startled, she screamed.

"Oiy," said James's voice again, "Sorry, guess I should've told you in the letter…ah well…charmed the parchment so we could communicate easily." She could almost hear his cocky grin.

"You're charming letters now? So I should be wary of anything you send me anymore?"

"Of course not, Lily! I'd never hex you!"

Lily just snorted, remembering all to clearly the time he charmed her hair to change colours at random intervals throughout the day in second year. "Yes, well, next time warn me, you scared me to death!"

"My sincerest apologies, Lily." said James.

"Okay, stop calling me Lily. It's creeping me out. What happened to 'Evans?'" she asked huffily.

"Well, I figure as we're going to be working together, we should be on a first name basis, yes?"

"About that…you're not actually serious, are you?"

"I am!" came another voice, causing her to jump.

"Oh, shut it, Sirius," said James, and there was the sound of something being thrown and stifled cry. "That joke hasn't been funny since second year when you finally figured it out."

"Ey! I fah ihwa unny!" came a muffled reply, and Lily had acute suspicions that someone had stuffed a sock in Sirius's mouth.

"Anyways," said James loudly over a few more unintelligible calls (which sounded rather nasty), "Yes, Lily, I am very serious. See? 'Dear Mr. James Potter, I am pleased to inform you that you have been selected as this year's Head Boy…blah blah blah, blah blah, blah blah…sincerely Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Order of Merlin, First Class, Grand Sorcerer, Chief Warlock, yada yada yada…' Shocking, isn't it?"

"Yes, very," said Lily icily. "Why exactly did you owl me this, by the way?"

"Ah well, Sirius thought it would be funny to see your face when you found out on the train, but I thought it would be better to, er, ease you into it. I mean you might have had a heart attack or something!" He chuckled, "But then again, if I had known you were going to die from a talking piece of parchment, I wouldn't have bothered."

"Har har," said Lily, glaring at the parchment.

"Lily?" Lily's sister Petunia stuck her head in the room, an angry look on her face. "Who on _Earth_ are you talking to? Another one of your freak friends? I'm _trying_ to get some work done so if you'd_ please_ --"

Lily groaned. She couldn't stand her sister anymore than her sister could stand her. She would just have to deal with her the way she did every other time. "I'm talking to no one, 'Tuna," she stated, ignoring her sisters angry comments at Lily's nickname for her, "I'm practicing inappropriate spells -- you know, that horrible _magic_ -- on this piece of parchment and if you don't get out of my room right now I'll practice them on you."

Petunia gave a shrill squeak and scurried from the room. No sooner than Petunia had left, the paper erupted into laughter, and Lily was quite sure that all the Marauders were there.

"Inappropriate spells, Lily?" gasped Sirius, over Peter's shrill sniggers, "Merlin!"

"What your family must think of Hogwarts!" exclaimed Remus, who was also laughing, though a little less heartily than Sirius.

"Tsk, tsk, Lily," said James, "using me to get rid of your sister! I'm hurt!"

"Oh shut up, you four," Lily said irritably. "It's the only way to get her to leave me alone. She's terrified of magic."

"I take it you and your sister are not on very good terms?"

"Not at all," answered Lily briskly. "Really, as fun as this little chat has been, I should be going."

"Ah, alright. I'll see you soon, then. Congrats on Head Girl again." said James.

"Oh yes, how exactly do you know that I _am_ Head Girl?" asked Lily.

"Lily!" cried James, "Like I said in the letter, it could be no one else! I mean, it's you! You're smart …"

"You should listen to Remus," said Lily impatiently.

There were several sniggers in the background as James said, "Oh fine. My mum's friends with the Muggle Studies professor and when I got my letter I asked her to find out who was Head Girl. I was pretty sure it was you, and I was right, wasn't I?

"Mm," answered Lily, grimacing. "Okay then. I'm going to go…bye." she said, setting the piece of paper on her bedside table. She stood in silence for a moment, and then all of the sudden it hit her.

"OH MY GOD! I'M GOING TO HAVE TO WORK ALL YEAR WITH JAMES POTTER!" she screamed, falling backwards onto her bed and staring at the ceiling.

She repeatedly hit herself on forehead until, "Lily? We can still hear you."

She swore under her breath and said, "Right. How do you turn this thing off?"

"Just tap the tic-tac-toe game twice with your wand," answered James.

"Which one?" she asked, glaring at the multiple games.

"The one where James lost." supplied Sirius smugly.

"That's helpful," Lily muttered.

"The bottom one," James answered, "and if you want to turn it back on…" he added hastily, but Lily interrupted him.

"Alright then, bye." She tapped the bottom tic-tac-toe game twice and the paper fell silent. "Great!" she shouted at the paper. "Just great! This year is going to be _dreadful_!" she let out a scream of rage. "Damn him! Damn him, damn him, DAMN HIM!" she shrieked and went stomping down the stairs.

****

Author's note: First chapter done! I have a lot planned out for this story, so please review and keep reading: ) I assure you, this is not a typical Lily-James love hate story, though they don't like each very much right now…I plan to keep it as canon as possible, while still interesting. Thus, be prepared for some ACTION as well as romance! (Not _that_ kind of action…yeee…)

James might say he didn't want to kill her, but do you want to know the REAL reason Lily got that letter? I was really rather bored of the whole 'Lily sees James on train and doesn't believe that he's Head Boy and then she spazzes out' thing. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but I couldn't pull it off very well. So! I tried something new. And this is what you get! Ha ha!

This chapter was really fun to write, but very difficult. One of the best things about writing these two (Cocky James and angry Lily), is that their facial expressions and body gestures add so much to the dialogue. However, as only James's voice was present in this dialogue, I lost that, and had to cope with only voices. Gah…However, I think it turned out okay...what do you think? 


	2. Chapter 2: Angel on a Broomstick

**Disclaimer: **It's all Jo's, of course.

**Author's Note: **Mmm…another chapter! This one is much different from the last. It goes BOOM. Yes. It does. I don't think I have anything other to say other than that…

As Lily made her way downstairs, her anger was subdued by the delicious smell coming from the kitchen. It was the night before she left for Hogwarts, and her family was having the traditional goodbye meal. This year it was Lily's all-time favorite: Yorkshire pudding and roast beef.

"Something wrong, Lily?" asked her mother from the kitchen as Lily walked into the room looking very disgruntled.

"Not really," she said, shrugging. "I just found out that the most annoying boy in the world is Head Boy and I'm going to have to work with him _all_ year. But it could be worse. At least it's not some Slytherin who would probably be even _more_ unbearable, if that's even possible." She sighed.

"Good for you to look on the bright side," her mother said vaguely. Despite how much Lily talked about it, her parents never quite understood Hogwarts and the Wizarding world. "Dinner's almost ready."

"Great, I'm starving." said Lily, forgetting her anger, and sitting down at the table.

Just a few moments later, Petunia came walking into the kitchen, very dressed up from head to spike-heeled toe. She headed for the door. "Where are you going, Petunia?" asked Lily's mother.

"Vernon and I are going out to dinner." answered Petunia, who kept walking towards the door.

"But it's Lily's goodbye dinner! Can't you postpone it? You won't see your sister until next year. Don't you want to visit with her tonight before she leaves?" Try as the two might to tell their mother, she just didn't understand the relationship between the girls.

Petunia made a mock-contemplating face and said, "Let me think about it…I'm going." and then walked through the door.

Her father opened his mouth to say something, but Lily said, "Just let her go, dad, it'll be more pleasant anyways."

So, to the roaring of Vernon Dursley's new car as the two left, Lily and her parents sat down to dinner.

"Everything is great, mum," said Lily, smiling at her mother and taking a large bite of Yorkshire pudding.

"Lily, don't talk with your mouth full," Her mother chided, but she smiled all the same.

"So, Lily," her father said, "are you excited about this school year?"

"Well --" Lily started, but she was interrupted by a knock on the door.

"I'll get it," said her father. He stood up, walked through the hallway and over to the front door. Lily had just gone back to her dinner when she heard a low hiss that made her heart freeze.

"_Avada Kedavra_," and she heard a thud as her father's body hit the floor.

Though Lily sat practically petrified in her seat, her mother uttered a small scream and ran to the hall, crouching behind the wall. In a moment of foolishness, Lily followed. The sight she saw made her skin crawl. Two or three dark, masked figures -- Death Eaters, she knew -- were entering her home, a few laughing at the dead body of her father. She stopped breathing as she realized what had just happened. Her father. Dead.

But then she saw something that brought her immediately back to her senses. A tall wizard wearing a long black cloak stepped forward, but he wore no mask. His face was hidden in the shadows of the cloak, but his eyes gleamed through. "Well?" the wizard said in a soft hiss. "What are you waiting for? Kill any Muggles you find, but leave the little Mudblood girl to me. If you find her, send the dark mark up. She'll be dead by the time anyone notices it…." His head turned slowly to where she was standing, and Lily was suddenly quite sure that he knew exactly who was behind that wall.

At this, Lily finally realized that she couldn't keep hiding behind the wall, they were sure to kill her any moment. _Wand_, she thought immediately, reaching for her pocket. But she had left it up stairs in her room. "Mum!" she whispered urgently. "Mum, come on! It's Voldemort, Voldemort! We have to get out of here!" But her mother was staring at her father, as motionless as he was. "Mum! Come on!" she said, tugging at her arm. She had to get her wand. Crouching here behind the wall waiting for them to come and kill them would do neither her or her mum any good. If she went quickly and silently enough maybe she could get back with her wand and help fight them off before…_oh come on, Lily!_ the logical part of her brain told her. _Death Eaters and VOLDEMORT? There's no way…_

_But I'm going to have to try. _the blind Gryffindor bravery interrupted.

Racing towards the stairs, Lily was unaware of everything else surrounding her, only that she had to get her wand. Breathing heavily, she creaked the door to her bedroom open softly, for fear that their might be some Death Eaters hiding in _there_. There was no one. She found her wand quickly, and, fighting the part of her that desperately wanted to hide under the bed, she exited her room. At the top of the stairs, she looked down through the hallway, and saw two of the Death Eaters talking together in an almost lazy fashion, while the third was looking around the house. Voldemort was no where in sight. Lily felt a disgusted indignation at their leisure, as if killing her father had been nothing but mere entertainment…

Her mother was still stooping behind the wall, with her hand over her mouth, swaying back and forth. With a jolt of horror, Lily realized the Death Eater was coming very close to her…Lily wanted to call out, but that would do no one any good.

The Death Eater had spotted her mother. He raised his wand, about to throw a killing curse, but Lily yelled, "STUPEFY!"

The Death Eater blocked the spell with ease and turned instead to look at her. Although his face was masked, she could almost see a sneering smile upon his gruesome face. Panicking, Lily sent stunning spells in every direction. The Death Eaters didn't retaliate, they merely laughed. And then she heard it.

"Avada Kedavra!"

It was as if time stopped. Lily turned to look at her mother who was no longer crouching behind the wall. No, she was lying on the floor, spread-eagled on her back, lifeless.

"NO!" Lily shrieked, but she only vaguely remembered doing so. She spun on her heel and fled into her room. Sobbing, she fell backwards on the bed again.

_They're coming to kill you._ A voice in her head said severely. _They'll find you and there will be no where for you to go. They'll kill you…_

"What does it matter?" she cried aloud. Just then she heard footsteps thundering up the stairs. They were right by her door…

"COLLOPORTUS!" she shrieked at the last moment, breathing heavily, and the door sealed shut with a funny squelching noise. She didn't want to die…not like this.…

But what could she do? The only fireplace in her house was in the living room downstairs, and she wasn't even sure she had any Floo powder left, anyways. She couldn't apparate yet, she wasn't of age and didn't know how…

Colored light was flashing under the door as the Death Eaters sent curses at the it, breaking the spell…they would be through any moment…or Voldemort would come….

There was no way to contact anyone. She couldn't Floo anyone…her owl was out sending a letter to her best friend Marlene Mckinnon who was on vacation in China…

All of sudden it occurred to her: Potter! His letter! Where was it? She searched frantically around the room, until she found it on her bedside table. She grabbed her wand. "How do I turn this on? How do I turn this on?" she asked frantically, prodding the parchment in various places, tapping each of the games in turn. "Damnit, how do I turn this bloody thing on!"

"POTTER!" She screamed at the parchment. "DAMNIT POTTER! WHERE ARE YOU? HOW DO I WORK THIS? Oh, for the love of Merlin!" she cried, tears streaming down her face…

…she was going to die…trapped…

"Potter!" she yelled again, "POTTER!" there was no answer. Her breathing was harsh and ragged, and she could hardly see through the tears blurring her eyes. "James," she sobbed. "Oh, Merlin, you were my only hope…James…" She then collapsed onto the bed sobbing…waiting for them to come in and kill her….

…it would be any moment now…

…soon…

"Lily?" She sat up and looked wildly around the room. She recognized that voice…

"Oh God…James? Potter! Is that you?"

"Yeah, Lily, what's wrong? What's going on?"

She began to talk very, very quickly…she was going to die soon…"Death Eaters…in my house…Voldemort…they killed my parents…I'm locked in my room…please…get the…ministry…or someone…please!"

"Bloody hell…" she heard Sirius whisper.

"Voldemort? Death Eaters?" exclaimed James sounding stricken, "Are you sure?"

"No, those people walking around my house in cloaks and masks shooting killing spells at my parents and I are just figments of my bloody imagination, of course I'm sure, Potter!" She shrieked, sending another Colloportus spell at the door.

"Okay, okay, I'm sorry. I'm coming."

"What?" she gasped. "No! Wait! Get the ministry or something! James!"

But James was no longer listening. "Sirius, go Floo my parents, they're at work. Remus, go Floo the Ministry. Peter, get my neighbors or any over-age wizard you can find…I'm the only one who can apparate…I've got to go…do something…"

"James, you can't go alone!" said Sirius.

"I've got to!" bellowed James, "Now GO! Hurry up!" There was the sound of footsteps hurrying away. "Lily! Lily, quickly, where do you live? Describe an image of your house to me, quickly!"

"James…"

"Bloody hell, Lily, hurry up!" So, fumbling over her words, Lily told him a detailed description of her house and where it was, everything from the color of the roof to the balcony out side her window.

"Okay, Lily…just try to keep them out a little longer…We're getting help…don't worry!"

Lily nodded, forgetting that he couldn't see her, but he already seemed to be gone. She was beginning to feel weak from fatigue and sending Collorportus spells every other second….

…she was going to die soon…

And the door crashed open. Several Death Eaters clambered in, making sounds of triumph. Lily slunk back into the corner of her room near the window overlooking her balcony, as the nearest Death Eater advanced on her.

"Well, well, well," said the Death Eater with a drawling voice. "If it isn't the little Mudblood…"

"_Morsmorde!_" one of the Death Eaters near the door bellowed.

"The Dark Lord has looked forward to this…" said the first Death Eater. "We're not supposed to kill you, but he said nothing about …_Crucio!_" Lily fell flat against the floor, screaming. Pain beyond any other pain she had ever felt before invaded her body…her bones were on fire, burning, searing…

…she was going to die soon…

"_STUPEFY!_" Lily heard someone yell, though it seemed muted … she was in a fog, and everything around her seemed less intense, less important, except the pain in her body…

…she was going to die soon…

Glass shattered above her, showering her with glittering shards. With more effort than she could muster, Lily looked up, and saw an angel above her…an angel on a broomstick…"J-James…" she whispered.

James continued to send curses at the Death Eaters, who blocked most of them effortlessly. Nevertheless, they were distracted momentarily. They were weak curses, but they were something…

James hadn't escaped without injury. His left arm was bleeding profusely, and he had nasty a gash on his cheek. There were boils all over his body, but he kept on fighting a furious battle…

"Silence," hissed a deathly voice. Lily looked towards the door and saw the monstrous demon again…Voldemort….

"How lovely…we have a visiter. Potter, isn't it? Yes…I know your parents…disgusting Mudblood-lovers…"

James was ignoring him (An impressive feat, as the mere presence of Voldemort seemed to draw all eyes towards him). "Lily," he muttered, "When I say go, get on the broomstick as fast as you can…"

Lily wasn't sure if she could, but she gathered her strength all the same.

"Impertinent boy," spat Voldemort. "You dare defy me…_cheek_ me…"

James was now looking Voldemort straight in the eye, cold fury visible in his hazel eyes. Very quietly, hardly moving his lips, he muttered "One…"

"No matter," Voldemort continued, "You'll both be dead soon…"

"Two…"

"Avada…"

"GO!" screamed James, grabbing Lily's arm as she thrust herself onto his broom. They moved just in time, and the killing curse hit Lily's Beatles poster above her head, causing Paul McCartney a rather nasty burn on his, well, entire head.

James was an expert flyer, and they dodged out the window, ducking the jets of green light. Below, she could see people Apparating…Aurors, she guessed. _They're late, _she thought rather sourly, but it was okay…she was alive…she wasn't going to die….

**Author's Note: **Yes, see? It goes BOOM. Compared to the last one, at least. I know this seems really random, but it will make sense…trust me! Next chapter will come soon, I promise!

**Edit 3/4/06: **I changed a bit around in this chapter because it was stupid. It's slightly less stupid now, I think.


	3. Chapter 3: One

****

Disclaimer: All Jo's.

They had been flying for only several minutes before her house disappeared behind them. She was amazed they had escaped alive…it seemed as if it could only be pure luck…

"Are you okay, Lily?" James asked once they were hidden in the night sky.

She nodded, but doing so made her body tilt precariously. "Yes…" she said, feeling rather dizzy, "but I think I might fall off…." It really didn't seem like a big deal compared to what she had just escaped from.

James smiled, though he was turned away from her, "No, you won't fall off. I have a balancing spell set on it, and the only way you'll fall is if you jump off." Lily just nodded, dazed. "It's something of a long ride," he commented, turning his neck to look at her. Her eyes were half open, and she was swaying unsteadily from side to side. "So make yourself comfortable." he added with a small grin.

Lily managed a small smile. Her bones still ached incredibly, she could still feel the invisible fire licking her body. After a few moments of silence, she whispered, "I'm sorry."

"What?" asked James, turning to look at her again. She was staring at his arm. "No," he said firmly. "You have no reason to be sorry, Lily."

"I think you saved my life, you know," she whispered again, looking at the clouds above. James didn't know what to say. She shivered, but whether it was from the coolness of the air or the memories, he couldn't tell. After a moment, she said, "That's a Wizard's debt."

"Don't be ridiculous," James said, not looking at her. He had had enough of this "Wizard's debt" nonsense last year than he wanted to deal with. He clenched his teeth, remembering the horrible incident. "Besides," he said lightly, "You helped me with that charms paper a year or two back, remember?"

He managed to get a soft chuckle out of her. "I hardly think that's even with saving someone's life."

He laughed. "Of course it is. My mum would have killed me if I had failed charms."

She smiled weakly, and said no more on the topic. They were flying for about an hour when he felt a soft press against his back. He turned his head slightly and saw that Lily was leaning against him, her eyes closed, her breathing slow and labored. She was sleeping.

He held his breath for a moment. It was…weird having her this close to him. He had had something of a crush on her since fourth year, when she had blatantly refused to go out with him (something he was not used to). After that, he had rigorously pursued her, asking her out many times -- unsuccessfully -- and attempted to 'woo' her, as Sirius put it, but she had always rejected him. Sometimes he wondered if it was a simple crush and nothing more, but now that she was there, her breath upon his back, he was sure it wasn't. He hadn't felt this way about Sandy Dunston in third year, when he had decided he was in love. No, not at all.

But he was pretty sure her feelings about him were the same as they had been fourth year. Under normal circumstances, Lily would have avoided any conversation at all with him, let alone fall asleep on his back. However, these were not normal circumstances. She had just been under the Cruciatus curse for Merlin knows how long, and had just seen both her parents killed….He shivered at the very thought. Sighing, he continued flying; it was a long ride home.

He had been flying for about four hours at top speed. The sun was beginning to rise, and, judging by the broom-compass Peter had given him for his birthday last year (which served as both a compass and a map wherever you went), he should be home any moment now. He flew a little higher, not wanting to be seen by muggles, though he doubted many would be up at such an untimely hour.

At last, the horizon presented him his house, and he couldn't have been more pleased. He loved his house: It was rather large, for his family was well-off, but it wasn't a stuffy mansion like many people would imagine. It was constructed of old, red brick, giving it an antique feel. Because his house was far away from muggles, he could practice Quidditch in the yard, by the old shed that he kept his brooms and Quidditch supplies in. There was a small lake, surrounded by his mum's garden, of which he had been rather scared of, ever since a venomous tentacula nearly attacked him. (His mum had a love of exotic plants that both James and his father had never quite understood.) He smiled fondly as he landed in his front yard.

He dismounted his broom carefully, lifting Lily off as he went, being careful not to knock her off or wake her up. She was very light to carry, seeing as she was quite thin and rather short (a fact that annoyed her greatly, especially since James was so much taller than her; she reached just below his shoulders. She preferred the word 'petite,' rather than short).

He was amazed she was still sleeping. It was immensely cold, and the wind had beat upon his face harshly as they flew. Or maybe she wasn't sleeping: Simply keeping her eyes closed, scared of what she'd see if she opened them. Honestly, he didn't blame her if she never wanted to open them again.

He made his way to the door, and creaked it open lightly. He didn't fool himself by thinking that anyone in this house was asleep. No, if they weren't all waiting in the parlor for his return, then he was a billywig.

His thoughts were confirmed true as a he walked through the door. "JAMES!" shrieked his mother, dashing to the door. "For the love of Merlin, James!" she cried, looking horrified at the blood on his face and arm, and wrapping her arms tightly around his shoulders. His wounds had stopped bleeding for the most part, but he assumed he looked rather unwell.

"Mum," he said firmly, glancing down at Lily. She released him, and he walked over to the sitting area where everyone was looking incredibly relieved. James was startled to see that Dumbledore was sitting in an armchair, a dark look on his face, but as James brought Lily over, it lightened. Sirius and Peter, who were sitting on a small couch, stood up immediately so James could lay Lily down. James was grateful, because light as Lily was, his arms were growing tired.

Peter offered him a tentative smile, and James returned it. Sirius just heaved a great sigh of relief, but Remus had his head in his hands, resting his elbows on his knees.

"Remus?" James asked.

He jumped. "Oh. James. Hi." he said, smiling slightly, but his face was grave.

"Honestly, James!" interrupted his mother in a harsh whisper. "What were you _thinking_? Running off to Vold-- _Him_ like that! You're not even out of Hogwarts! You could have been _killed_!"

"Lily _would _have been killed." said James simply, looking at the floor.

His mother was silent for a moment. Then she bit her lips, and hugged her son again, and then sat down in one of the chairs. "I - I suppose you'd better tell us what happened."

So James told them everything: From the first time they talked to her, to Lily's frantic call through the letter. From his apparation to her balcony with his broomstick, to their frantic flight away as the aurors finally appeared. When he mentioned how she was under the cruciatus curse when he arrived, his mother screamed.

His father cleared his throat. "You know," he said, "I, well, perhaps it would be best if we got Lily, is it?" James nodded, "If we got Lily into a proper bed and then continued this discussion in the morning."

"Actually," Dumbledore interrupted, speaking for the first time since James had entered the room, "I think it would be best if we took Lily to the Hospital Wing."

"Hogwarts?" asked James.

Dumbledore nodded. "Madam Pomfrey will need to attend to her. She will be alright," he added, glancing around at the anxious faces.

"I'm coming too," said James, his jaw set.

Dumbledore smiled -- a peculiar smile -- observing him through his half-moon glasses. "Of course," he said, "Madam Pomfrey will need to heal your wounds too." James opened his mouth to protest, but Dumbledore, ignoring James potential objection, said, "You have fought bravely tonight, James. You showed more courage than could ever be expected of you. I, and Lily, I'm sure, thank you greatly." He nodded his head slightly, and smiled again. James had no reply.

Dumbledore then reached into his pocket and pulled out a piece of parchment, crumpled it, and said, "_Portus_." The crumpled paper glowed blue for a second, and Dumbledore said, "Here, James, hold this, and have it touch Lily's hand."

"Wait!" cried Sirius, "We're coming too!" he said, defiantly.

"Boys…" started Mrs. Potter, but Dumbledore interrupted.

"It's fine," he said, beckoning the boys over. When all five were touching the paper, Dumbledore said, "This will take you directly to the Hospital Wing. Explain to Madam Pomfrey what has happened. I will follow almost immediately. He nodded, and James felt the familiar, though not altogether pleasant, sensation that came with traveling by portkey.

When they arrived in the Hospital Wing, they were all slumped on the floor rather uncomfortably, James clutching the crumpled piece of paper. He deftly threw into the rubbish bin, inwardly grinning at his Chaser skills. Turning back around, his heart jumped. Lily had awoken.

She was on the floor with the rest of them, her legs sprawled beneath her. She had her hand on her head, her eyes wide and fearful. "Potter?" she asked. James winced. _We're back to that, are we?_ he thought gravely. "Potter, w-where…what happened?"

Just then Madam Pomfrey came bustling in, looking quite unnerved. "My word!" she exclaimed, looking at the five of them, "What on earth is going on here? Students, already!"

And so, as Dumbledore requested, James began to tell the tale again. This time, however, it was much harder. This time, Lily was present. Involuntarily, his eyes kept flicking over to her. She was sitting on a hospital bed, looking determinedly away from him. However, he could tell she was slowly remembering the events, and every bit of knowledge was hurting her worse than the Cruciatus curse ever could.

Madam Pomfrey looked horrified at the news and set to work at once. She instantly ordered Lily to get into bed, offering her a nightdress and pulling the curtains around the bed she was sitting on tightly shut. She then vanished into her office and returned with two potions and a large bar of chocolate. Disappearing behind the curtains, she gave Lily both the potions, which, as James heard her explain to Lily, were for the pain from the Cruciatus curse and the other a dreamless sleep potion.

She then came over to James and performed several healing spells. She insisted that he take a blood-replenishing potion, even though James assured her he hadn't bled very much. She also insisted that he stay the night, which he was not too pleased about. However, from his various stays in the Hopsital Wing due to Quidditch, he knew better than to argue with the strict nurse.

"And I have no idea why Dumbledore sent you three to me," Madam Pomfrey had said, hands on her hips, looking irritated at Peter, Remus, and Sirius. "You look perfectly healthy." Sirius explained to her that they wanted to keep James company (which didn't please Madam Pomfrey in the slightest) and that they would leave when Dumbledore returned. Sniffing, Madam Pomfrey allowed them to stay, mainly because there was no where else to send them.

And so, James, Sirius, Remus and Peter all sat in the Hospital Wing, unsure of what to say. Madam Pomfrey had placed James in the bed next to Lily, whose curtains remained shut. "She's probably sleeping," said Sirius glancing at the curtains uneasily. "After all, she did take a dreamless sleep potion."

But James wasn't so sure. It was much too quiet, even for a sleeping person. He had suspicions that Lily was lying there, wide-eyed and very much awake, reliving the event in her mind…He sighed. What a horrible start to the year…Images started to swarm his head like the Death Eaters swarming Lily's room…and Lily…Lily, lying on the floor….

"…Prongs?" James looked up and saw that all three of his friends were looking at him expectantly.

"Sorry, what?" he said, shaking his head slightly, trying to rid himself of the images.

"I said Peter and I were going to go get something to drink, and I wanted to know if you wanted anything," said Sirius impatiently.

"Oh," said James, who was still standing outside Lily's window…watching it happen…"Nah, no thanks."

Sirius watched him for a moment, and then went off with Peter, leaving Remus and James alone.

Remus was watching his face intently, and James knew he could tell something was bothering him. "James?" he asked.

James looked at him and grinned, though it was forced. He really didn't want to talk about what had happened…

Remus didn't buy it. "James," he said firmly. "I know something is wrong -- something besides the attack tonight." He paused, "And I also know from experience that it does not help to hold it in and tell no one."

James didn't reply. Remus really was the last person he wanted to talk about this with…'_I think you saved my life, you know' _He could still feel her breath on his neck, how she shook, trembled….

"James," Remus pressed.

James sighed. "It's just something Lily said to me when we were…leaving…"

"What was it?" asked Remus, watching his face very closely.

"Nothing, really…"

"_James_."

"Fine. Okay. She just -- she just told me that I saved her life, and that it was a …you know…a, a wizard's debt."

Remus's face darkened, and James immediately regretted saying anything.

"I…see," was all Remus could say.

"Right," said James, staring at the ceiling. They sat in an awkward silence.

But then, Remus said very softly, "I guess that's _two_ lives you've saved now…"

James tensed. This is what he was afraid of. He wanted to forget it. He wasn't proud of it, and he just wanted to pretend it never happened. Unfortunately, this wasn't about to be dropped, no matter how much they tried to ignore it. "Remus," said James in a strained voice, "You know that --"

"I know," said Remus very quickly. "I'm sorry … I shouldn't have brought it up…"

James was saved from having to respond as Sirius and Peter returned. Sirius arched his eyebrows slightly at the silence, but he just shrugged it off and sat down.

Just then, the door opened and Albus Dumbledore entered the room. "Ah!" he said, "I'm glad to see you arrived safely. I'm sorry I was delayed; I had a few quick errands to run." The boys just nodded, unsure of how to respond. "Now, If you'll excuse me, I must have a word with Madam Pomfrey…" And he strode towards her office, gently knocked on the door, and entered.

He returned shortly after with Madam Pomfrey following him. Dumbledore was smiling. "I was informed," he said, "That Misters Black, Pettigrew, and Lupin are to return to the Potter residence, but Mr. Potter and Miss Evans are to stay."

"It's start of term tomorrow, Professor!" argued James. "I -- er, I'm Head Boy…shouldn't I be on the train…with the prefects?"

"I assure you, we'll have you back to your home in time to travel to the platform with your friends tomorrow."

"And Lily?"

A slight shadow passed over Dumbledore's face. "I think," he said delicately, "Miss Evans will have to stay in the Hospital Wing just a bit longer. Now, Misters Black, Pettigrew and Lupin," He created another portkey and said, "I will see you back here tomorrow! Well," he added, smiling around at the infirmary, "Hopefully not _here_, exactly…"

His friends said goodbye, and they headed back to his house, where the friends had been staying for the last week (The Potter residence being very large, and the idea place for mischief-making, or rather, planning).

Seeing as it was about three o'clock in the morning, James expected he would fall asleep very quickly. It had, after all, been a very tiring night…However, his mind had other plans. He kept reliving the horrific evening, going over and over it in his head…If he hadn't left the paper in his room …maybe things would have been different…maybe they could have saved Lily's parents…He knew the 'What Ifs' and 'Maybes' did no one any good, but they were inevitable. He had gone through the same thing last year, and this time many of the thoughts were the same as well…If he had been faster …If he had made sure she had known how to turn it on…If he hadn't questioned her….

He was roused from his thoughts by two familiar voices, talking in hushed tones. "He really did attack Lily Evans, Albus? It actually happened?" Professor McGonagall asked.

"I'm afraid so," said Dumbledore.

"And -- And Potter was there?" McGonagall whispered.

Dumbledore sighed, "It is as I feared…It seems the first has come to pass…If it is really so, I cannot say. It has only been one, yet."

James had no idea what he was talking about and was very confused. However, for some reason, that word echoed in his head, and it remained there until he finally fell asleep. _One_._ One, yet_…_One_….

****

Author's note: I now feel the need (for the next chapter, really) to explain how Lily's friend Marlene (who, if you remember from the last chapter, was on vacation in China) returns to school on time (As it is the night before start of term, and at the time she was still in China). SO, I am now going to explain!

Whether you knew it or not, (and you probably didn't because I'm making this up now…) Wizards do indeed have **Vacation Packages**. They come complete with Enchanted Brochures (which you take to the places they describe and they talk to you, much like a tour guide), Lodging, and (of course), A two-way Portkey! Yes, that's right! You can get a **Vacation Portkey** for only 500 galleons today! Simply tell us your departure and return date and you can have your DREAM VACATION! …And return the night before Hogwart's term starts and NOT miss the train! Whoohoo!

cough Look at me and my problem solving skills…


	4. Chapter 4: Feasting

****

Author's Note: Oh my! It's been quite a while, hasn't it? Many apologies, I have been positively swamped in school, and had very little time for anything but school. All that time for something of a bland chapter! This chapter kind of seems like a filler chapter, but it's quite important for more than just character development…D

This chapter was very difficult to write, as most transition chapters are. I had about three pages written (this one is approximately five), decided I hated it, and started over. Blargh.

So, tell me what you think! D

And, for the record, writing sorting songs really sucks.

****

Disclaimer: Two reasons I am JKR: I like to write. I like tea. Countless reasons I'm not JKR: I don't live in Britain. I would never, ever kill off Sirius. I'm not richer than the queen. I don't know who the half-blood prince is. I don't own Harry Potter. (dangit)

Lily made her way to the Great Hall disheartened. She had awoken, in the Hospital Wing, rather confused. Madame Pomfrey had insisted on keeping her in bed all day, though it was mid-afternoon when she awoke. Her bones still ached dreadfully, but, she thought bitterly, that was nothing compared to her heart. She was trying not to think about that night. Trying to forget that she was an orphan…

She stopped just outside the doors to the Great Hall. She could hear the preparations going on inside. After much persuasion, Lily had been allowed by Madame Pomfrey to attend the start of year feast. She really wasn't looking forward to it, but anywhere was better than the Hospital Wing, where she was surrounded by constant reminders…

Sighing, she leaned against the wall. She would wait until the other students started to arrive, then maybe she could drift in inconspicuously. The last thing she wanted was to draw attention to herself.

After several moments she heard the sounds of students pour in from the other side and decided it was a safe time to enter. Heading towards the Gryffindor table, she felt rather ill at seeing all the familiar, smiling faces…all unaware that the world had ended -- for her, anyway.

She took a deep breath, swallowing her emotions. She sat down near the end of the table, alone. Glancing through the crowds, she saw James and his friends take a seat farther down the table. Their eyes met. She wanted to look away, but she couldn't. His expression was unfathomable. Was it pity? She couldn't tell. After a second, it changed abruptly. His lips formed an impish smirk and he gave her a quick wave. He turned his back to her to talk to Sirius, who was staring expectantly at his plate.

"You do know we have to wait until _after_ the sorting, right Padfoot?" she heard him snort. She didn't hear Sirius's reply, however, as a wail behind her erupted suddenly, and she was engulfed in a tight embrace.

"Oh _Lily_," cried her friend, sitting on the bench beside her. "Merlin, I was so worried when I heard…"

"Marlene, please…" Lily loved her friend, but one thing Marlene could not refrain from doing was making a scene.

"I mean, _honestly_!" 

Lily crumpled her napkin in her hand and resisted the urge to stuff it in Marlene's mouth. People were starting to stare….

"And when you weren't on the train…"

"_Marlene!_" Lily snapped. Marlene took the hint and quieted. Lily exhaled slowly. "H-how did you find out? Does everyone know?" Lily closed her eyes for a moment, her fears dancing in front of her.

"Oh, no," said Marlene, shaking her head. "You don't have to worry about that."

"No? How did you find out then?"

Marlene scoffed. "I'm your best friend, Lily. I have my ways."

Lily raised an eyebrow, knowing Marlene would give in in a moment's time. "Right."

Marlene heaved an exaggerated sigh. "When I couldn't find you on the train I was really nervous, thinking you missed it or something, but that didn't seem like you at all. Especially not when you're Head Girl and all -- congrats, by the way, I don't guess you ever got my owl -- So when I learned that James Potter -- _Potter_ of all people! -- was Head Boy, I assumed he kidnapped you or something, so I hunted him down."

Lily snickered as the image of Marlene storming into the Marauders compartment expecting to find her, Lily, bound and gagged appeared in her mind.

"Really though!" huffed Marlene, "Potter? Potter, for Head Boy! What are the teachers _on_?"

"Floo powder?" suggested Lily mildly, though the joke was half-hearted as she glanced down the table at James who was talking emphatically to his friends. Visions of him and his broomstick passed her mind. Suddenly she felt very wary. Marlene had talked to James? She didn't want anyone else knowing what had happened…she just wanted to forget it all….

Marlene laughed, jerking Lily away from her thoughts. "Probably," she said, rolling her eyes. "But anyways, you weren't with him, but he seemed uncomfortable, so I pried and he told me."

"He…told you?" Lily swore her heart stopped beating.

"He seemed reluctant to tell me anything, but I got the information in the end. Really, it wasn't like he had any right to keep information from _me_. He's not even your _friend!_" Marlene was clearly irritated that James had found out before she, Lily's best friend, did. "If his father didn't work with the ministry, then he wouldn't have even _known_."

"What?" Lily said very quickly, unsure of what she just heard. "What did he…tell you?"

Marlene gave her a bemused look. "Well, I asked him -- rather forcefully and with my wand, maybe, but I was justified! I was a concerned friend! Anyways, I asked him what he had done with you. And he looked at me -- you know that infuriating look of his -- and said, 'what do you mean?' But he said it kind of nervous and worried-like, you know? So I knew _something_ was up. That's when I got a little…angry. I demanded that he told me where you were right this instant, and then Black, of course, said something rude, so I made to curse him, but then Potter told me to 'calm down' -- git -- and he said that it really wasn't 'his to tell' or something like that. Well, I told him that there was _nothing_ that you wouldn't tell me," she paused here, and sent Lily a grilling look as if to validate this statement.

Lily, who was anxious to know what Marlene actually _knew_, just nodded impatiently and asked, "And what did he say?"

"Well, he looked rather miffed, but he told me what had happened -- Oh, Lily!" her voice dropped to a whisper, "He told me how several Death Eaters showed up at your house and…they…Lily, I'm so, so sorry!"

Lily looked down. She didn't really want to talk about it. "That's what he said? That's all?"

Marlene looked at her curiously, "Is there more to it?"

"No!" Lily said quickly, stumbling to cover her error, "I just -- I thought he would, you know, say…something…"

"Rude?" Marlene inquired, nodding. "Yeah, I thought so too. But I guess even gits have hearts."

"Mm…" muttered Lily, feeling slightly guilty. She gratefully took refuge in silence as the Sorting Hat was placed on the stool in front and began to sing.

_"Many, Many years ago when I was just a cap, _

A school was built to give the young knowledge and lore. Because at that time I had no brain nor opened-mouth flap Students were selected by our founders four. Fair Ravenclaw selected only those of cleverness and wit Sly Slytherin believed only those of true ambition were fit Good Hufflepuff was partial to the loyal with hearts of gold Brave Gryffindor took those few of courage bold But then the problem arose of how to choose For they were not undying, and each had very different views Finally it was Gryffindor, who out frustration Grabbed me from his head and stuffed in me a brain To choose houses for this foundation In which house new students are to train! So come, set me upon your skull Take a seat and be at ease! Through your thoughts I shall quickly mull, For sorting is _my_ expertise!" 

A round of applause met the end of the song, and Lily smiled in spite of herself as a young girl with curly, brown hair hurried towards the stool. After a few moments, "RAVENCLAW!" was yelled, and Arning, Jemma made her way to the Ravenclaw table.

__

"Garver, Jones!" became the first Gryffindor and "Varen, Parley!" became a Slytherin. Finally "Zim, Brody!" was sorted to Hufflepuff and the Sorting ended.

Dumbledore soon began to speak. "Students, old and new," he said, "It is my pleasure to welcome you once more to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry," There was applause. "Though we are waltzing through hard days of tragedy," Lily looked away as Dumbledore's cool, blue eyes skimmed over the students briefly. Lily knew she was lucky. Many of the students had lost their entire families -- Lily at least still had Petunia…if that counted for much. A sudden anxiety flowed through her veins. She had forgotten about Petunia. Was she alive? What would she say? "It is," Dumbledore continued, "our good fortune and," he paused, as if delicately contemplating his words, "our fate, to learn and be well educated so we may prosper and live long, happy lives… So! With that bit of fodder for your surely empty minds, let us start our feast!"

There was silence for a few moments -- Students reflecting on lost ones, students counting their blessings in these dark days -- but soon chatter broke out as food and drink appeared in the goblets before them.

Marlene quickly helped herself to liberal amounts of potatoes, but Lily realized she wasn't very hungry. Instead, she picked at some chicken without much enthusiasm.

"Evans," Lily looked up to see that James Potter had seated himself in the empty spot in front of her. _Evans?_ She thought, rather confused. _He was calling her Evans again?_

Marlene was looking very disgruntled. "Potter, how lovely of you to impose your delightful company upon us," she said sarcastically.

"Anytime, McKinnon," was his smirking response. "I just came over to offer my salutations and, of course, to have a few words with Evans over here."

Lily said nothing, but Marlene suddenly became very protective, as if she was trying to defend Lily from any unpleasantness, and, to Marlene, James Potter was the epitome of unpleasantness. "Okay?" she said aggressively.

James must have realized that she was not going to leave, for he looked rather put out. "Right," he said, "So…" he seemed to be searching for something to say, as clearly whatever he had wanted to, he did not want to discuss in front of Marlene. "I, uh, just wanted to …congratulate you -- again -- on, er, Head Girl."

"Well," Lily replied, not looking at him, "thanks, and uh, congrats to you too." Marlene snorted.

"Also," he said, "The Head Boy and Girl have a private lounge,"

"Is that so?"

"Yup," James nodded, "and I was wondering if you would meet me there after the feast to discuss…Head duties. Because," he added in a solemn tone, "you know I take my duties very, _very_, seriously."

"I'm sure Lily is very tired," interrupted Marlene.

"And I'm sure Lily can decide for herself if she's tired or not," countered James, clearly agitated by Marlene's continued interference.

Lily knew Marlene was only doing what she thought best, but it was getting rather frustrating. "No, it's okay, I'll meet you there," she said, nodding at James.

"But Lily --"

"Excellent," James cut Marlene off. "It's on the fifth floor, by the statue of Boris the Bewildered … by the prefect's bathroom, you'd know that wouldn't you? Second door to the right or so…you'll find it. Password is _jelly slugs_, but that's just the default, we can change it."

"Alright," said Lily, trying to take this all in.

"Very well," said James, standing up and giving the two girls a quick bow. "Dessert is calling my name! I must get back before those pigs over there eat it all," he said, motioning to his friends. "Evans, I will see you soon, and McKinnon -- hopefully not so soon, tata!" And he left before either of them could say anything.

Marlene glared after him, and sent a withering look at the gaggle of fifth year girls who were giggly madly as he walked by. A few were looking enviously at Lily, as it was common knowledge that James had a thing for her.

Lily heard one of the fifth year girls say to a few first years, "That's James Potter, he's probably the most popular boy in school, with the exception of Sirius Black. However, he's completely off limits to anyone but that red-head over there. He's made that pretty clear."

"I honestly don't see what everyone sees in him," Marlene said, shaking her head. "Sure, he's got a good body -- bloody Quidditch player -- but he's not _that_ good looking. And he's a git." Lily said nothing. "And you!" said Marlene, rounding on her, "What was up with that? 'No, it's okay, I'll meet you there?'"

"It'll only be for a little bit," shrugged Lily. "He is Head Boy and I'm going to have to work with him all year. I might as well start off on good terms."

"Knowing him, all he wants is to make out or something," scowled Marlene.

"Well, if that's the case, then I'll hex him and leave immediately," Lily stated matter-of-factly.

"Too right you will," muttered her friend, helping herself to a cookie.


	5. Chapter 5: On being Okay

Hello! Hello! You should be very proud of me. Two chapters so close together. I am pleased. This one would have been up sooner, but I went to visit my sister at College before I could upload it.

I have tomorrow off school, though, so there should be another chapter up soon!

****

Disclaimer: It's Jo's…

_Where was she?_ James was sitting in the Head Lounge, which was quite nice, actually. It was decorated in Gryffindor colors, which he assumed was because both Head Boy and Girl were from that house. There was a cupboard full of Butterbeer and Cauldron Cakes, which, though he had just eaten a great deal, James helped himself to happily.

Sitting on a plush couch of red and gold, sipping a Butterbeer, he wondered fretfully if she would even show up. James wasn't one of Lily's favorite people.

But he needed to talk to her. He wanted to tell her about what he had heard Dumbledore and McGonagall talking about last night…Ask her if she knew anything about it. Maybe she knew more about why Voldemort attacked her than she let on. The thought still bewildered him. Why had Voldemort made such a big deal over killing one muggle-born girl? And what had Dumbledore been talking about: "_It has only been one, yet._" He just didn't understand…

"Um…"

Roused from his thoughts, he jumped. Looking up, he saw Lily Evans looking amply uncomfortable.

"Um," she muttered again, "hello, er, Potter."

"Evans," he nodded, allowing a rather faltering smile to emerge.

She gave him a pointed look and said rather coolly, "How come you're calling me 'Evans' again?"

James pretended he didn't hear the question. He wasn't really sure why he was calling her Evans again, except that he just wanted things to go back to normal. He didn't want things to be different between the two of them because of what had happened. "I thought for a moment you weren't going to show up," he said, veering away from her question.

His evasion didn't go unnoticed by Lily, but she just raised her eyebrows and asked, "Am I that late?"

James shook his head, "Not really. I was just worried, I guess."

"Oh. Well, I had a little trouble getting away from Marlene…"

James couldn't help but laugh. "Does she always act like that?"

__

"Like what?" Lily asked, her tone irritated.

"Like your mother," said James simply, but he instantly regretted it, realizing what he had just said.

The slightest ripple of ache passed over her face, but it was gone in a nanosecond. "She's just being a good friend," Lily insisted defensively, "She's just…worried about me. After …you know. That's just Marlene."

"Right," said James, sloshing his Butterbeer. "Want one?" he offered, "There's a whole cupboard over there."

"No thank you," her voice was rather frigid. "I don't intend to be here very long. What was it you wanted to talk to me about?"

"Oh, r-right," James stuttered. Now that she was here, standing right in front of him, he didn't really want to bring it back up…"I …uh…just wanted to, er, make sure you were okay."

Lily raised her eyebrows. "You asked me to come down here so you could make sure I was 'okay?' And you couldn't ask me that in front of Marlene because…?"

"Er," replied James lamely.

Unfortunately, Lily wasn't daft, nor was she going to accept 'er' as an answer. "Right. What aren't you telling me?" she demanded.

"I, uh,"

"James. I'm tired. If you're not going to tell me what was so important that you made me come all the way up here, then I am going to leave." She started towards the door, changed her mind half-way, stormed passed him, grabbed a Butterbeer, and left.

It was only after the door had slammed that he realized something: She had called him 'James.'

As Lily made her way back up to the Gryffindor common room, she couldn't help but feel a twinge of remorse for blowing up at James like that. But really! What was the point of making her trudge down two flights of stairs, not to mention making Marlene furious? She knew that he hadn't really wanted to just 'make sure she was okay,' and she was certain that if she had stayed a little longer, she would've found out what it really was.

Her temper had been tipping over the edge all day, with no one to take it out on: She couldn't possibly yell at Madam Pomfrey, and she was trying very, very hard not to explode at Marlene, so when James had ticked her off, he was just the scapegoat she needed. Yelling at 'Potter' was familiar territory, and it had been a nice way to release her angry emotions, but she now felt very guilty. Taking a moment to curse her oversensitive conscience, she decided she would just apologize to him next time she saw him.

Climbing through the portrait hole, Lily trudged up the stairs to the girls' dormitories, looking forward to going to bed.

"So?" Marlene asked instantly as Lily walked through the door. "What did he want?"

"Hullo, Marlene," she said dryly. Marlene put her hands on her hips. "He just -- he…wanted to make sure I was okay."

"I _knew_ it!" trilled Marlene, shaking her head and turning back to her trunk. She continued to unpack various items, such as a crystal ball (she had gone on for ages when she had gotten it for her birthday last year), a purple hair brush that she had bewitched to brush on it's own, and gigantic blue poster of the Appleby Arrows (_"The keeper is so cute!"_)

"Sorry, knew what?" Lily asked, raising her eyebrows.

"Well I was right, wasn't I? All he wanted was to make-out," she said matter-of-factly.

"How do you get that out of wanting to make sure I was okay?"

"Gosh, Lily, 'making sure you're okay' is guy-talk for 'let's snog!'"

Lily thought this was quite ridiculous, "I thought it was sweet," she said, guiltily thinking of how she had exploded at James.

Marlene sighed, "Well, you would, wouldn't you?" She shrugged, and proceeded in hanging up her poster.

"And what does that mean?" asked Lily irritably.

"Nothing -- it's just that you're, well, you're a little naïve when it comes to guys."

"And you're more knowledgeable than me?" Honestly, Lily loved Marlene, but she could be a right pain sometimes.

"Well haven't I got a twin brother? Plus, I've been out with quite a few jerks."

"Whatever," said Lily. She wasn't in the mood to fight with Marlene right now. "So, how was China?"

"It was _fabulous_! I wish you could have seen it!" Marlene then jumped into a long explanation on Chinese zodiac and all the amazing things she learned about divination there. Lily tried to pay attention for the first bit, but soon found her attention fading.

Something was different between she and Marlene this year. Someone had changed. Lily had few doubts that it was her, but that still wasn't much comfort. She examined her friend, under the pretense of listening.

Marlene and Lily were complete opposites. Marlene was loud and rambunctious, and she, Lily, was, well, not. Even their appearances were completely different. Lily didn't pay much attention to her look, except to try and appear decently groomed. Marlene loved clothing; the louder, the better. In contrast to Lily's long, auburn hair, Marlene had short, light brown hair that flipped out at the bottom. She had very large ears, which, despite how much she complained about them, Lily knew that she was secretly very proud of. Lily, who was quite short and infuriated by it, often referred to her friend jokingly as "freakishly tall," aided by the fact that Marlene _always_ wore high-heels. She also wore blue oval glasses, but ever since Lily had tried them on in third year and realized that her vision had not changed at all, she had been quite sure they were just for effect.

To put it simply, Marlene reveled in being different.

"Lily?" Lily jumped back to attention and saw Marlene looking at her peculiarly.

"Wha-?"

"Oh, never mind," muttered Marlene, rolling her eyes.

Taking a large swallow of Butterbeer, Lily made her way over to her bed, ready to go to sleep.

And then it occurred to her: Her stuff. Opening her bed curtains, she discovered a letter.

Miss Evans,

Due to circumstances, your belongings were unable to be retrieved immediately. I thought it better if you were to retrieve it yourself, so you could get everything you needed. If you would please report to my office after breakfast tomorrow morning, I will give you a portkey to take you to your house, so you may collect your belongings and return. I will follow for safety purposes, and if you wish, Miss McKinnon may accompany you.

Sincerely,

Albus Dumbledore

Marlene, seeing that Lily had the letter in her hand, said, "So, are we going to get your stuff tomorrow, then?" Lily didn't even question that Marlene had already read the note.

Lily just shrugged, and said, "I guess so." Really, the prospect of going back to her home didn't please her in the slightest. Going back would open wounds that she had carefully kept closed. Every sight from the staircase to her burnt Beatles poster would remind her of that night…

"Lily?" she looked up to see Marlene looking at her with a peculiar expression on her face. "_Are_ you okay?"

Lily sat down on her bed, putting her head in her hands. "No," she said softly, squeezing her eyes shut, "No, I'm not."

**A/N:** MRAWR!. I forgot James's birthday. I feel horrible! I might throw something in later, but let's all wish him a happy birthday right now. :) 


	6. Chapter 6: Never to Return

**Disclaimer:** It's all Jo's... 

When James returned to the dorms after his brief encounter with Lily, he discovered that his friends had already finished unpacking and were now enjoying themselves by having a sword fight with their wands. Well, Peter and Sirius were and Remus was watching, the corner of his lips turned up slightly. James dejectedly wondered if things would ever be the same between them, after last year….

"You're back!" said Peter, grinning because he had successfully turned Sirius's ears green.

"Did she show?" asked Sirius, wiping several strands of hair from his forehead and turning his ears back to normal.

James nodded and started to unpack.

"So, what did you want, anyways? You left in kind of a hurry." James knew that Sirius would continue to press, but for some reason, James didn't want to tell them what he had overheard before. _But they told each other everything…_

"I just wanted to -- to make sure she was alright, I guess. I don't know…She just seemed rather, well -- after what happened…."

"You made her go all the way down there just to see if she was alright?" Remus raised his eyebrows. He could always tell when James was lying.

"Yeah, that's basically what she said."

Sirius shook his head. "Hey, I have a question for you: Why are you calling her 'Evans' again?"

"Dunno," James shrugged, turning away. He really didn't want to talk about this right now.

"Well, you know, this is your last year to get her to go out with you. You were making good progress -- don't think we didn't see how she was acting when you two were chatting earlier -- but if you keep calling her 'Evans,' she'll _never_ go out with you…"

James stiffened. "Bloody hell, Sirius!" he yelled, rounding on him. "I don't _want_ to be making good progress with her because her _parents died_! I don't _want_ her to bloody act differently around me because of what happened…Merlin! There are bigger things going on here than if I can get her 'to go out with me!'"

All three of his friends looked shocked. "James," Sirius started, wide-eyed. "Blimey, James, I didn't mean --"

"Sorry," James said gruffly. "I didn't mean to yell…I'm just kind of stressed. Oh for the love of Merlin…" He kicked the rest of his books onto the floor, muttered, "I'm going to bed," and pulled the curtains shut, closing out the sight of his stunned friends.

"Lily?" Lily opened one eye, revealing a rather worried looking Marlene. "Um…we should probably go soon…" Lily had to think for a moment to understand what she was talking about. Oh. Right. That.

Dragging herself out of bed, she winced. Despite all the potions she had taken, her bones still ached. She slipped on her jeans and a borrowed jumper from Marlene. She pulled her hair back into a loose ponytail and muttered, "I'd rather stay away from the Great Hall this morning, you know, as I'm in muggle clothes and all."

"Of course," nodded Marlene. "I figured as much. I brought you some toast and your schedule."

Lily smiled, "Thanks, Marlene."

"No problem," she said briskly, turning to the door. "We'd better get going then."

"Right," Lily mumbled, following her.

They passed relatively few people in the hallways, and only one, a sixth year Gryffindor, seemed perturbed by the Head Girl's lack of uniform.

"Miss Evans, Miss McKinnon," Dumbledore nodded to each of them in turn as they appeared by the stone gargoyle that guarded the entrance to his office. He was apparently waiting for them. "If you would follow me please…" Lily had only been in Dumbledore's office once, and that was strictly Prefect business. Marlene, however, had never and was fascinated by the spiraled staircase.

Dumbledore wasted no time. "Here is a portkey: It will take you to your house, Lily," Dumbledore paused, "You will be followed, of course -- for safety purposes -- but I will not bother you. Do try to hurry, though; it would be a shame to miss your first class. When you are done, just touch the portkey again, and it will take you directly to your dorm."

Lily nodded, looking away. Then, she and Marlene both made to touch the portkey, and Dumbledore's office went spinning away….

They landed in her kitchen, Lily thankfully on her feet. Marlene hadn't been quite as lucky, and was on the floor, looking slightly irritated. "Bloody portkeys…"

Lily gazed around the room, her head spinning. Everything looked the same, exactly the same…There were still plates on the table. The chairs … the flowers in the vase by the window…She was going to be sick…She sat down quickly, trying not to retch.

She was sitting in her father's seat. Her breath quickened. She closed her eyes, trying to get a clear picture of him, but all she saw was his body…Death Eaters…Voldemort.

She opened her eyes instantly, and saw Marlene looking at her. "L-Lily?"

"Right," Lily said, a little too loudly. "Upstairs, I guess…" They walked to the hallway. Up the stairs. She felt as if she was retracing her steps from that night. She would always refer to it as _that night_. Not _the night Voldemort attacked. _Not _the night her parents died_. It was just _that night_.

She was shivering. She kept looking behind her, as if a Death Eater was going to jump out at her any moment. She pushed the door open to her room.

Death Eaters…broken glass…James…The images danced before her. The window was still broken, and her curtains were fluttering slightly in the breeze.

"Oy, what happened to Ringo?" Lily looked up. Marlene was looking skeptically at her Beatles poster.

"That's _Paul_," Lily said, her voice laden with emotion -- not for the loss of her favorite poster, but the memories…Voldemort…James…

"Paul? But I thought _that_ one was Paul," Marlene said. She didn't seem to realize what she had just done.

"That's John," Lily corrected. Being a Beatles fanatic, she had made Marlene memorize all of their names and albums. "See? John, Paul, George, Ringo."

She walked over to her window, looking out onto the balcony. She rarely used this balcony, because she had to open her window and crawl through to do so. Sometimes, though, she used to go out there and just sit and watch the stars at night. It used to be her haven when she and Petunia got in fights, but now, now it was riddled with memories. She crawled out the window, being careful not to cut herself on the broken glass, and inhaled, her eyes closed.

_I see you. I'm going to kill you._ Voldemort's horrible face appeared in a smoky image in front of her. _There's no where to run…You're going to die, just like your parents…I see you_._…_

Lily opened her eyes, gasping for breath. She was shocked to see she was leaning over the balcony, almost to the point of falling off. She stood up quickly, lost her balance, and fell against the cold railing, panting heavily.

"Lily!" Marlene's voice called shrilly, sounding panic-stricken. "What on Earth? What are you _doing_!"

_You were imagining it. _Imagining_ it. He's not here. You're fine. Fine_. She told herself, rubbing her eyes. She stumbled back into her room and sat on her bed breathing heavily.

"Lily? What is --?"

Lily ignored her. "I don't -- want -- to be -- here," she heaved. "Let's just…hurry…" Marlene just nodded. Lily, regaining her normal demeanor, said, "I'm mostly packed. I guess I just need to grab some little things that I won't be -- be coming back for." She realized this may very well be the last time she stood in her room.

She had never been scared of her house before. Not even when she was little and Petunia had tried to convinced her that dragons lived in the hallways when it got dark. (How much fun had Lily had sending Petunia an article about Chinese Fireballs in the mail?) But now, as she crept through her home, collecting various items like that picture of her family in Paris or those shoes that she never wears, she felt just that: Scared.

She was scouring her room one final time, when she saw something she had almost forgotten about: A piece of parchment on the floor by bed, blown, apparently, by the wind. _Potter's letter_. She thought about just leaving it, but for some reason, as she made to take the portkey back to the dorms, she grabbed it and stuffed it in her pocket. Then, with a powerful jerk behind her navel, she was taken from her home for the very last time.

(**A/N**: Before anyone kills me, Lily hearing Voldemort's voice in her head is not an attempt to give her and Voldemort a connection like Harry's. There is no connection. No secret, important thing to the plot here. She's just imagining it, and it's there to show how deeply -- despite what she let's on -- that night affected her.)


	7. Chapter 7

****

Author's Note: Hello, all! Another chapter. It's been awhile, hasn't it? I'm sorry! I took a trip to visit my sister at college for Easter and haven't had much time to write. Anyways, read on, friends! 

And the chapter title sucks. Sorry. Couldn't think of one. Any suggestions would be much appreciated. :)

****

Disclaimer: S'all Jo's.

When James awoke that morning, he had all intentions of apologizing to his friends. However, they acted like nothing had happened. He could never voice how relieved he was.

__

The four friends made their way to the Great Hall for breakfast, Remus and Peter chatting about N.E.W.Ts.

"Well, yeah, classes are going to be a lot more difficult this year; that's to be expected, Pete."

"I guess so. It's just going to be like O.W.Ls all over again, isn't it?"

"Pretty much."

"Except harder," offered Sirius, grinning.

"Wonderful," said Peter glumly. He brightened, however, when they reached the hall. Peter never could stay upset for too long. "So," he asked, munching on a slice of buttered toast, "What are you guys planning on doing after N.E.W.Ts and all?"

Sirius groaned, "Not the 'future' question! First the teachers and now you?"

"What? It's a good question!" Peter protested defensively.

"Well then," said Sirius, straightening up and spreading his arms grandly, "I plan to be the most known wizard in England. I assure you, one day, everyone will know my name."

Remus laughed, "And how exactly do you plan to do that?"

Sirius thought for a moment, then shrugged, "Haven't decided yet."

"How 'bout you, Moony?" asked Peter interestedly.

Remus's face clouded. James knew Remus was fearful of leaving Hogwarts. What kind of jobs were there for a werewolf?

"Dunno," he answered vaguely. "I guess I haven't really thought about it." He suddenly became very interested in his orange juice.

Peter looked as though he was going to press, so James swiftly interfered. "And you, Pete? You seemed so keen on this discussion. What about you?"

Peter looked taken aback and turned rather red, "Oh, well, I -- I haven't really decided. I'm not that great at many things, am I?"

Sirius made an angry noise, "Sure you are! You're one of the only students in this school to be an anamagi, aren't you? Don't sell yourself short!"

"Shh!" Remus whispered, glancing anxiously around, but Peter looked heartened.

"But Mr. Head Boy over there is being quite quiet," laughed Sirius.

"Meh," James shrugged.

"Meh?"

"Meh. I've pretty much set my future on going into Auror training, haven't I? I mean, with everything that's going on…"

"Yeah," agreed Sirius. "I've thought about it too. It's not a bad idea. Ha! Think how furious dear ol' mum would be!"

James laughed along with the rest of his friends -- it was a known fact that Sirius reveled in angering his parents -- but he didn't find the joke very funny. How many times had James heard his parents talking in dark tones about all the people they've known -- Auror or no -- who were killed by Vold -- You-Know-Who?

James cringed, not that he had almost said the name, but at the fact that he had fallen to the using that name: You-Know-Who. It sickened him that everyone _did_ know who. Few people would say his real name anymore. Few people talked about him at all. If you ignored it -- especially if you're not Muggleborn -- people seemed to think, it would just go away. This problem wasn't going away.

Arousing him from his thoughts, Remus handed him a schedule. "Oh, great," James muttered, "Divination, Potions, History of Magic. How fun."

Remus shook his head. "I don't understand why you're still taking that class."

"Divination? Yeah, well. It's a credit, I guess."

"Plus, I wouldn't let him quit and make me suffer all by myself," explained Sirius jokingly. James grinned.

Just then, Marlene McKinnon walked by, giving a derisive sniff in their direction. James noticed she was carrying two schedules and a piece of toast as she headed out of the Great Hall.

"Morning, McKinnon!" Sirius called out jovially, saluting her.

Marlene looked very much affronted. She gave him a contemptuous scowl and continued on her way.

Sirius turned back to them, laughing. "I'll tell you what: If anyone in this entire school needs to relax, it's that McKinnon lass. Has she lost her wand? I think I know where to look: She's gone and stuck it up her --"

"Mr. Potter," All four of them spun around to see Professor McGonagall looking as though she was trying very hard to ignore Sirius's comment. "Might I have a word?"

"Er, okay," James eloquently agreed, following her a few paces away from the table.

"As you know, the Gryffindor team captain graduated last year. So, of course, I had to choose a new captain. As you've probably guessed by now, I've chosen you."

"Excellent!" James cried, clapping his hands together. "Er, I mean, thank you very much, Professor. It's an honorable title I will do my very best to uphold."

The corners of McGonagall's mouth turned up slightly. "I trust that you will. However," she added severely, "if you think that this will get in the way of your Head duties, not to mention preparations for your N.E.W.Ts, there are other people who I am sure would be more than happy to captain the team."

__

Yeah, right. Thought James._ Like I would pass up an opportunity like this! I've waited to be captain since I came here!_ "Not to worry, Professor!" James said, beaming, "I'm quite sure that I can captain our team, carry out Head duties, and keep my grades up to spiffing standard quite easily!" He sent her a winning smile.

McGonagall returned it with one of her own rare smiles. Despite the front she put on sometimes, the teacher really did like James. Probably because he was so gifted in her subject. "I'm glad to hear it. I might have you know that it was I who suggested you for Head Boy, and I hope you will not abuse the privilege."

"Wouldn't dream of it, Professor."

"Well then," McGonagall said briskly, "I will let you get back to your friends, and I must go make preparations for class."

"Thanks again, Professor. Have a splendid day!" And, after giving her a quick bow and turning away, James could have sworn he heard her chuckle.

James was greeted by inquiring faces as he returned to the table. He took his time, sipping some orange juice, before he spilled his news. "Well," he said, beaming, "I've just been named captain for the Gryffindor Quidditch team."

"Fabulous!"

"Good job!"

"Excellent!" Sirius grinned, "So no early Saturday morning practices for Padfoot, eh?"

"Hey now," chided James, "Don't be expecting special treatment. I'm a responsible man this year!" He jabbed his Head Boy badge for effect.

His friends exchanged glances, and they all, James included, burst into laughter. Things were feeling back to normal already. Maybe this year wouldn't be so bad.

Since Divination wasn't for a little while, Sirius and James remained in the Great Hall, socializing, while Remus and Peter headed up to the first floor for their Muggle Studies class.

"Hullo, Gideon!" Sirius waved to a red haired boy passing by.

"_Fabian_," muttered the boy looking extremely irritated.

"Right you are!" called Sirius. Then to James, "Bloody brothers are identical."

"Well," laughed James, "The fact that Gideon graduated two years ago might help."

"Right," shrugged Sirius, who was now making his way over to Hazel Marchfox. James chuckled slightly at this. Hazel and Sirius had 'gone out' in fourth year, but after Bertha Jorkins, a girl a few years older than they, had squealed to Hazel that Sirius had snogged Florence Hemmings behind the greenhouses, well, Sirius had spent a few uncomfortable nights in the hospital wing. James expected Sirius had forgotten this, and so, seemingly, had Hazel, because the two were quite friendly.

Figuring Sirius wouldn't miss him too much, James made his way back to the dorms. He scavenged around his room and found the books he had strewn across the floor last night. After recovering his books, he made his way back to the common room, but stopped halfway down the stairs.

Lily Evans was leaning over a couch, attempting to organize her books, bits of parchment scattered at her feet. She was a mess. Her shirt was wrinkled, her hair tangled, and her eyes looked as though she had been crying. Finally she gave an exasperated shriek, thrust her books onto the floor, and threw herself at the couch, being careful to trod on the offending books on the way. He watched her as she sat there for a moment, her head in her hands, before he felt compelled to speak.

"Hello," he said pleasantly.

She jumped. "Oh!" She laughed nervously. "Potter. Merlin, you scared me."

"Apologies," James replied, descending down the stairs.

Lily looked very uncomfortable. "Look, I -- I wanted to apologize for last night. I kind of … lost my temper. I didn't mean to yell --"

He waved off her apology. "Don't worry about it."

"No, really. I --"

"Forget it," he said gruffly. "It doesn't matter. _Really_." She looked unconvinced, but shrugged. "So," James began, hoping to start a conversation. "You look … frustrated."

Her smile was tired, but at least it was a smile. "Yeah. I guess I do." Shrugging, she said, "Can't find my Divination homework."

"You're still taking Divination? I thought you thought it was a useless subject."

"I do -- I just …Well. My …mother always loved the idea of being able to See the future, so she always wanted me to take it, despite how pointless I told her it was."

"Oh," James said, very uncomfortably, teetering on the balls of his heels. "Wait -- we had homework?"

Lily laughed, and James couldn't help but feel exceptionally pleased. "Yep. We were supposed to keep a journal of our dreams and any omens we saw -- or rather, imagined we saw."

"Damn."

Lily shrugged. "Make something up quick. Old Voyant won't known. You know she just soaks up anything overly dramatic." James knew she was right. Professor Voyant was a very wooly witch who delighted in making absurd predictions. Rumors were flying that she was retiring soon. James thought it was about time.

James chuckled. "Let's see, last night I dreamt I was a pineapple so that means that I am going to be mowed down by a herd of angry lethifolds."

"Is that possible?"

"To be mowed down by a herd of angry lethifolds? Sure it is."

"Alright, make sure you're going to die at least once though. It wouldn't hurt to throw in another for good measure, actually." She started rummaging through her papers again, before she heaved a sigh. "I'll tell you what. If you can find my journal, you can just copy it. She'll never know, but I've got to go look for it up in the dorms. I can't find it _anywhere_."

James was mildly shocked that Lily would allow copying, let alone of her own homework, but then it was Divination, and Lily thought very little of that subject. "Good deal. I'll look," he said, grinning. And look he did, but after several moments, he gave up, figuring if Lily couldn't find it, he probably couldn't either. Best get started on that homework.

"Let's see," he said aloud to himself, "Let's start in June…" He had some fun, contemplating which omens he could have seen, and what they meant. In July, he claimed to have seen a bird fall out of the sky, which meant that he would lose something special, and in August he supposedly was going to make a 'deadly' new friend.

If he had believed any of this rubbish, he might have been worried, given the circumstances of today's world. He knew, and had known for years, however, that Divination, or at least as it was taught at Hogwarts, was very wooly guess-work.

"Oiy, Prongs! You left me!" James looked up to see Sirius storming over to him, but he didn't look angry. In fact, he looked quite pleased.

"Maimed by raging Crups or death by Dungbombs?" asked James uninterestedly, weighing his options.

"Oooh, death by Dungbombs, definitely," Sirius said, coming over. James nodded in agreement and scribbled some text onto a piece of parchment.

"What's this for?" asked Sirius, leaning over his shoulder. Thoughts of James's abandonment were presently forgotten.

James snorted and raised his eyebrows, "Divination homework, mate."

"We had Divination homework?"

"Yep."

"Damn."

James laughed. "That was basically my reaction."

Sirius just shrugged. "Whatever. Voyant likes me."

James just snorted, "Suit yourself."

"I found it!" Lily Evans came tottering down the stairs clutching a little book. "I had forgotten Marlene wanted to see it…Oh," she stopped, startled. "Black. Um, hello."

"Evans," Sirius smiled at her. Then, turning to James, he said, "So anyways, you know that Ravenclaw girl? Marchfox? We got to talking, and I can't believe we haven't gotten together before! Man, is she pretty…"

Lily looked as though she wanted to say something, likely remembering the Hazel-Sirius incident in fourth year, but James winked at her and shook his head discreetly. It was better to let Sirius figure this one out on his own. Lily bit her lip to hold back a laugh.

"Right," Lily said, gathering her books, "I'm going to head to Divination. Marlene will have a cow if I don't show." She rolled her eyes slightly, then blushed because she was being disloyal to her friend. "Anyways, bye. Black … Potter." And she left, clambering out the portrait hole.

"To Divination we go?" asked Sirius after a few moments, heading for the portrait hole.

"Yeah…" James scribbled a few more omens onto his 'journal' and followed Sirius out of the common room.

But when they got to Divination, Lily wasn't there. They walked in and took their usual seat, James glancing around for her. Marlene was sitting, lips pursed, staring determinedly away from them. James could tell she was irritated that Lily wasn't here yet.

The bell sounded, and Lily was officially late. This wasn't like her at all. Marlene was looking even more irritated, a bit worried even.

Professor Voyant entered, and beamed around at them all. She was a thin witch and was exceedingly frail. She was outwardly very grandiose, and gave an impression of someone trying (and failing) to seem important. "Hello, students. It is _marvelous_ to see you all back, again. I am _sincerely_ pleased that you have all chosen to continue your studies of Divination. Many spend _seven years _of their life whittling away with wands, wasting their time over cauldrons and herbs, but _I_, and those precious few who can indeed See, we Know. We _Know_ of the importance of the …_Sight._" She seemed about to continue her spiel, but was interrupted as a red-haired girl -- with a face to match -- entered the room. Lily had arrived at last.

****

Author's Note: Wow, horrible ending. Some of you will probably want to slay me for ending it so badly. It's not a cliffhanger, it's not even an _ending. _ But it seemed appropriate. And it was getting long. So TADA! Next chapter partially written. :)


	8. Chapter 8: Mick the Prick

****

A/N: Sorry this chapter took so long. I've been very busy! I haven't had much time to write, as I have been preparing and celebrating my 16th birthday! does the birthday dance

So leave lots of reviews and make me happy. ;)

****

Disclaimer: Jo's, Jo's, Jo's.

****

Previously, in Meant to Be:

But when they got to Divination, Lily wasn't there. They walked in and took their usual seat, James glancing around for her. Marlene was sitting, lips pursed, staring determinedly away from them. James could tell she was irritated that Lily wasn't here yet.

The bell sounded, and Lily was officially late. This wasn't like her at all. Marlene was looking even more irritated, a bit worried even.

Professor Voyant entered, and beamed around at them all. She was a thin witch and was exceedingly frail. She was outwardly very grandiose, and gave an impression of someone trying (and failing) to seem important. "Hello, students. It is _marvelous_ to see you all back, again. I am _sincerely_ pleased that you have all chosen to continue your studies of Divination. Many spend _seven years _of their life whittling away with wands, wasting their time over cauldrons and herbs, but _I_, and those precious few who can indeed See, we Know. We _Know_ of the importance of the …_Sight._" She seemed about to continue her spiel, but was interrupted as a red-haired girl -- with a face to match -- entered the room. Lily had arrived at last.

****

Chapter 8.

Blushing, Lily took her seat. Professor Voyant looked at her expectantly, deeply offended that she was late. "Er," she started. She felt Marlene's eyes on her. It wasn't like her to be late. "Well, you see, Professor…" She was making excuses? What was she turning into, a marauder? "…I was reading over my homework assignment, and I realized -- and it's a good thing too as I completely forgot -- that I had seen an omen, earlier this year. With some, er, consultation of my notes, I realized that I was, uh, in great danger … today … If I went near the, er, North Tower … er…now."

Lily heard Sirius Black make a noise behind her, clearly shocked. Or impressed. Professor Voyant's small eyes widened comically, her wrinkled, tensile skin stretching.

"My dear," she whispered, "Tell me! What omen did you see?"

Lily was mildly surprised she was buying it, but she reminded herself that this _was _Professor Voyant, batty old nutter she was. She thought for a moment, trying to think of a decent omen. "A grim," she said primly.

The room was suddenly spattered with whispers and hushed voices. Marlene gasped and Professor Voyant closed her eyes faintly. Lily had a hard time containing herself, trying very hard not to roll her eyes.

"My dear, you were very wise in your decision. You seem quite calm…surely you are worried?"

"Oh, yes, Professor. I am very grave," she said seriously, taking her seat and biting back a smile. Though Voyant made no real reaction, the pun was not lost on everyone. Marlene was glaring daggers at her, and James and Sirius exchanged glances before bursting into unruly laughter.

Professor Voyant looked positively appalled. "Potter! Black! What in heavens is so funny? This is certainly no laughing matter!"

The two garbled apologies, struggling to suppress their laughter. James caught Lily's gaze, his eyes twinkling.

Voyant turned back to Lily. She was not done yet with her interrogation. "Do say, when did you see this? Was it before…?" Her voice trailed off softly and Lily felt her insides go numb. She stared coldly ahead at the professor and said, "Well it couldn't very well have been much after, could it?"

"I suppose not," replied Voyant delicately. "Very well," she said, seeming to realize this was not a topic Lily wished to discuss in front of the class. The woman never had much tact, but Lily was thankful she stopped the conversation when she did. "I think we will start this school year with a review of what studies we have already practiced in the…past."

They spent the remaining lesson going over omens and dream interpretation. Lily watched with some amusement as Sirius Black attempted fruitlessly to talk his way out of the assignment. He finally gave up, gave an uninterested shrug, and allowed Voyant to continue her lesson.

Lily was quite happy to leave that stuffy room when the bell rang.

"You were lying," Marlene said as they walked through the hallways.

"About what?" Lily said carelessly.

"Why were you _really _late?" Marlene pressed.

Lily looked at her for a moment, then said dramatically, "I was delayed."

"Well, that much was obvious. By _what_?"

Lily paused again. "Your brother, actually."

"_Mick_?" Michael McKinnon was Marlene's twin brother, though they didn't look that much alike. He was in Ravenclaw, one of the top students in their year, Keeper on the Ravenclaw Quidditch team, and a shoe-in for Head Boy -- until James Potter miraculously seized the title.

"That would be the one."

"Why did Mick hold you up?" Marlene said curiously.

"Well, I was on my way to Divination, and I ran into him in the hallway -- not literally, of course -- and we got to talking."

Marlene shook her head. "You missed Divination so you could talk to my _brother_."

"I hardly missed much." Marlene rolled her eyes. The two friends shared very different views on the subject. Marlene seemed to believe every word Voyant said, and Lily? She thought it was all complete rubbish.

The rest of the week passed without much excitement. She was happy to be back in school. The methodical order of schedules and homework was calming. She soon felt back to normal, and was almost enjoying herself again.

The first night of rounds came soon. The Head Boy and Girl were supposed to patrol the corridors for a few hours after curfew.

James stood, waiting for her by the window of the corridor they were going to patrol.

Lily came moments after he arrived. They decided to split off, and patrol different hallways. James was a little disappointed at this, but agreed because it did seem a bit superfluous to have two people patrolling one corridor.

James saw virtually no one on duty, save a professor or two. It was about time to leave. He turned back down the corridor he came, heading back to the Common Room. Lily Evans was standing there, leaning against the window, gazing out.

She looked up. She noted his presence, but made no response. After a moment, as he came closer, she commented, "It's such a beautiful night, tonight, isn't it?"

James frowned. "It's raining." Maybe it was because he was a Quidditch player, but he had never been very pleased by the rain.

"Yes," she said distractedly. "Yes, it is, isn't it?" She spoke in that preoccupied tone that suggested she was paying very little attention to what she was really saying. Her thoughts were elsewhere, guarded by rhetorical questions and idle comments.

She was staring off now, smiling placidly at the rain. He watched her watching it for a few moments before he asked, "What are you thinking about?"

She said nothing, looking away as though she had not heard him. Then she answered very softly, "The rain."

"What about the rain?" He knew he was being rude, an intruder on her thoughts, but he wanted to delve into her mind. She let so little out anymore, he wanted to see for himself what treasures she hid away in there. He wanted to see what only she could, what made her smile like that, the way he always wished she would smile at him. And at the same time, he wanted to purge her mind of the horrors that inevitably lied there. Leave her with nothing but those simple joys, simple things that made her smile. It must be a beautiful mind.

He received the same response with this question: She was silent for a moment or two, but then she sang very softly a song he couldn't understand. She blinked and gave an apologetic laugh. "I don't know where that came from. It just popped up. My mother used to make me have a tutor over the summer, you see. She was horrified that I wasn't learning French or taking Literature classes here. She was rather old-fashioned, my mother. While she was proud of my magic, she never quite understood it, and to her, you just weren't educated if you couldn't read Shakespeare easily, or speak fluent French. Needless to say, I can't do either."

It was a memory. A good memory, he perceived. He wondered if he should say something, but opted not to. She didn't need conversation. She wasn't really talking to him, anyways. He felt almost guilty, standing there, listening to her thoughts, like a schoolboy reading a magazine he shouldn't it. He knew he should stop, but at the same time, each second was rapture. He simply resumed watching her.

"I'll have to write my French tutor, of course. Tell her I won't be taking lessons anymore…Mother would be horrified," she paused. "I miss her…" James was caught in indecision of whether to speak or not, but Lily had turned away. She was staring at the rain once more. She muttered something James didn't catch, and then shook her head slightly, as if warding off bad memories.

Lily never mentioned her parents again, after that night. She opened up to no one, not even Marlene, it seemed. No one reminded her of it, for she needed no reminder. She simply kept quiet, pretending it had never happened. Things, it seemed, were getting back to normal.

The month passed, and with it the full moon. The wolf was more aggravated than usual. He restlessly traced his steps inside the Shack, clawing at the walls and howling for release. Remus had requested that they not allow him to leave the Shack. He had wanted his friends to not come at all -- presumably after what had happened last year, but they unashamedly refused. There were also teachers on guard around the grounds -- Voldemort had not yet attempted to attack the school, but that didn't mean he wasn't ever going to. It was much to risky to let a werewolf out and about.

Sirius had tried calming the wolf, even tried to engage him in a game, but the wolf could not be placated. Padfoot resigned himself to nestling into a corner, head on paws, and whining softly as he watched his friend continually rage.

Remus's injuries were worse than they'd been for over a year. Madame Pomfrey had come to believe that Remus was simply getting used to his transformations (for she had no reason to believe his three best friends snuck out every full moon to be with him), and she was shocked at his state the next morning. Remus attributed it to stress from the war, and James secretly agreed.

Their nights of freedom, like so many other things they held close to them, seemed to be coming to an end.

One cold October morning, James was buttering his toast when the morning post came. He watched the owls uninterestedly, and the only mail he received was the Daily Prophet. Sighing, he opened it and read. The Daily Prophet was the window to war. Killings were announced most every other day on the front page. Any pleasant news was shunted to the back.

"The Crouch laws finally got passed, did they?" muttered James, unsure of his feelings on this matter. Sure, he was all for rounding up the Death Eaters and giving them what they deserve, but using the Unforgivables to do so? Wasn't that, well, rather hypocritical?

Sirius, seeing what he was reading, shook his head brusquely and turned to a slightly agitated barn owl, who did not appreciate being ignored. Attempting to pacify the owl, he muttered to Peter, "Bung him a kipper, Wormtail." Peter obliged, and the owl, who did not seem in the least mollified, flew away as soon as Sirius had removed the letter.

More, it seemed, to break the silence than anything else (as James was still glowering at the Prophet), Sirius said, "Letter from Andromeda."

It worked. James looked up and said, "I liked Andromeda." He remembered the time he had met her earlier this summer. It seemed like ages ago. She had come to James's home, raging at Sirius for running away to live with James.

She had started by saying how it was completely irresponsible of him to just up and leave like that. He might have been killed! And ended by saying that she wished she had had the guts to do it before she had been blasted off the family tree, and how she'd just love, sometime, to replace one of the house-elves heads (a tradition James and Sirius both agreed was incredibly freaky) with dear old Auntie's.

The whole time, her five-year-old daughter Nymphadora was running circles around James and Sirius, singing a loud song about a batty old lady and her evil elf that James felt quite certain she had learned from Sirius. (The elf's name had sounded remarkably like "Kreacher," though it was hard to tell through the girl's garbled lyrics.)

"Child's a monster though, isn't she?" James said, grinning reminiscently.

Sirius drew himself up very proudly. "Learned from the best, of course."

__

Both James and Sirius laughed heartily at this. His mood brightened, James asked, "What did Andromeda have to say?"

"Oh, not much, just keeping in touch, you know. Apparently, she thought she'd go on a 'family-outing' the other day. She, Ted, and Nymphadora went to a park. Apparently, her lovely daughter decided it would be funny to play hide and go seek."

James gave an amused snort, knowing what came next.

"Problem is, Dora doesn't play hide and go seek like normal kids. She kept morphing into all of the children around her. Just about gave Andromeda a heart attack. But you know Ted, he's so indulgent. Andromeda just about kicked him, she says."

James grinned, and his eyes fell on Marlene McKinnon, looking superfluously smug. She smiled all the way over to the Gryffindor table, not even pausing to glare at the James and his friends, as was the usual routine. She took a seat a little ways to the left of him, and looked expectantly towards the entrance to the Great Hall, presumably waiting for Lily.

"Alright, McKinnon?" said James, giving a look of mock concern. "You look a bit off."

She gave him a cold look through her bespectacled eyes, but said in a voice dripping with fake politeness, "I'm perfectly fine, Potter. Thank for you asking."

"You look awfully pleased over there."

"Is that a crime?"

"Just a curiosity."

She fiddled with the rim of her blue glasses, but said nothing more.

"May I be so rude as to inquire why?"

She gave him an appraising look. "No," she said simply.

"Very well," said James solemnly. "I suppose you plan to just leave me in the dark on this wondrous change that has suddenly overcome your personality?"

Marlene's jaw twitched slightly, but she kept her composure, that placid smile plastered to her face.

She watched the doors for a few moments longer, then gave a satisfied "hm," and helped herself to some eggs.

A bit curious, James followed her gaze. Lily was walking in through the door chatting emphatically with a tall boy that James didn't recognize. As they came closer, James noticed her cheeks were slightly pink, but she was smiling. He caught snippets of their conversation.

"I'm just saying, that surely if we _reached out_ to the Giants, _some _of them would accept…They can't _all_ be evil."

The boy shook his head. "They don't like Wizards very much. Don't trust 'em."

"_He's_ a Wizard." Lily persisted.

"If you would even call him that. You-Know-Who has more to offer than we do. He's telling them to kill Wizards, isn't he?"

"But surely --"

"McKinnon. Are you coming to practice or are you going to chat all day with your girlfriend?" James looked over to see the Ravenclaw Quidditch Caption, Hermia Clennell.

The two looked politely embarrassed, but Lily smiled and said to the boy, "I'll see you later in Hogsmeade, okay?" She then stood on tiptoe and kissed him lightly on the cheek.

And with a jolt, James recognized the tall, brown haired boy, walking away. Michael McKinnon. James didn't really know him well, and had never had strong feelings of dislike towards him. Sure, he was related to Marlene, but it he wouldn't hold _that_ against him. After all, look who Sirius was related to! James had even played him in Quidditch once or twice. He was a pretty good Keeper. However, all these feelings of neutrality quickly disappeared, and he realized that Mick McKinnon was really just a stupid prat.

Lily took a seat next to Marlene, who was wearing a small smile. Lily, still rather pink, said, "Oh, don't do that …"

"What are you going out with Mick the Prick for?" asked James loudly, before he could stop himself. He heard Peter groan beside him.

Lily looked up. Clearly, she had not seen him. She looked slightly surprised at his comments, but not as though she hadn't been expecting them. "He's not a _prick_ --"

"Then you are going out with him?"

Lily's face turned a hue bright enough to rival her hair. "What do you care if --"

"Don't flatter yourself. I don't _care_. I just think he's a git, that's all," James said brutally.

"He is _not_ a git!"

"Well we're going to squash him in Quidditch, anyways."

"Oh…falling back on the old Quidditch security blanket. Boys!" Lily replied scathingly.

They glared at each other for a moment, then James muttered to his friends, "I'll see you guys later."

And he stormed away. Stealing a furtive glance back, he saw Lily was staring daggers after him, and as he walked away, Marlene leaned in, presumably offering solace which more than likely consisted of reminding her how much of a git he, James, was, anyways.

The injustice of it all welled up in him. McKinnon! Mick _McKinnon_! That brainless idiot! He knew he was being rather unfair -- McKinnon certainly wasn't brainless -- but he didn't are at the moment. _McKinnon_!

He had been so engulfed in his anger, that he didn't even notice when he walked right into a sallow-skinned boy.

"Watch where you're going, Potter," the boy hissed. Severus Snape was glaring at him through cold black eyes.

"Oh, go jump in the lake, Snivellus," said James crossly. He wiped off his robes with a look of exaggerated disgust. "No, honestly, do. It might get rid of the stink."

Snape narrowed his eyes. "_Relash--"_

But James blocked the hex with ease. He considered very seriously cursing Snape. It certainly would be a nice way to relieve his anger, but something stopped him. He turned and began to walk away.

"What's this?" crowed Snape. "Potter's going yellow?"

Losing his temper, James told Snape to do something very rude.

"You think you're so high and mighty, don't you? You think you and your friends can just roam the school, and everyone will bow before you."

"Are you _looking_ for a fight?"

"But _I_ know your secret. _Its _secret. Its disgusting, _dark_ secret, the wol--"

"You can't say anything!" growled James through bared teeth. _Remus is _not _an it! _"Dumbledore made you swear, you'll be expelled…"

"Yes," admitted Snape grudgingly. "'_Tell no one of this, Severus. No one must know of this, or I will be forced to expel you_.' Well, that certainly put me in my place!"

"Should've let you die. I didn't do it for _you_, though. I did it for --"

Snape turned, if possible, even paler. "You did it for yourself, you arrogant --" Snape paused, and regained himself. "You would have been expelled. So you decided to turn things in your favor and give the threat of expulsion to _me_. Things are changing, Potter. Even you aren't idiotic enough to not realize that. It soon may very well be that it doesn't _matter_ if I'm expelled. Oh, what fun it would be to see it cope with that…"

"SHUT UP!" Without thinking of what he was doing, he jerked his wand at Snape. "Incarcerous!" he muttered, and thick ropes sprang from his wand, wrapping themselves tightly around the git. He fell to the ground, struggling to free himself. The ropes were so tight, however, that he could hardly move. James kicked him to the side of the corridor and turned to walk away. Let Snivellus stay there until someone found him. What did he care?

He knew he would regret his rash actions later, but he was too furious at the moment to care.


	9. Chapter 9: Demons

Disclaimer: All JKR's…

****

Chapter 9.

James scowled. He was sitting in the Three Broomsticks with Remus and Peter, glowering at everyone that walked by. He had grudgingly agreed to come to Hogsmeade with them, only, as was their final argument to get him there, because he didn't want _her_ to think that he _wasn't_ coming _because_ of _her_. 

Sirius had offered to stay with him, but James knew he had a date with Hazel Marchfox, so he waved him off. He didn't want a pity party. Well, not a big one, at least.

"So," said Peter, a little too cheerfully. "Want to go to Zonko's next?"

"No," said James.

"How about Honeydukes?" tried Peter again, only to be shot down once more by James.

"Oh, stop feeling sorry for yourself," said Remus irritably. "So Lily's going out with another guy. It was bound to happen some time. Get over it and stop sulking."

James was slightly surprised by Remus's outburst. He knew Remus was right, but he wasn't in the mood to take advice, and, frankly, he _wanted_ to sulk. "Sorry if I'm ruining your afternoon. I'm going to go take a walk. Bye." He said, getting up and leaving, without waiting for a reply.

He heard Peter mutter, "Good job, Moony."

But Remus just replied nonchalantly, "If he wants to mope about all afternoon, well, fine. But he'd do well to realize that it's not going to do any good."

James scowled even more fiercely as he stormed out the door.

He wandered aimlessly around the village for a few moments, not paying attention to where his feet carried him. When he finally stopped, he was slightly surprised to find himself at the Shrieking Shack. But not as surprised as who he found there.

"Evans?" Lily Evans was leaning against the rickety fence, gazing at the shack listlessly. She jumped when he said her name. He held back a grin, expecting he had spooked her.

"Oh! Potter. Hi." She was watching him rather cautiously, as neither of them had easily forgotten their little argument earlier.

"I thought you were coming here with McKinnon." He tried to keep the bitterness out of his voice.

"Yes, well, he got hit by a bludger during practice and is in the Hospital Wing. I was going to stay with him, of course," she added hurriedly, "but really, he was out cold, and I needed some school supplies…"

James tried to repress a snort at the thought McKinnon being hit with a bludger. He failed.

Lily looked offended. "Oh, don't you even --"

"Sorry," said James quickly, not wanting another row. "Look, I'm sorry about earlier -- I shouldn't have…"

"What?" Lily had an odd look on her face.

"Er," said James, nervously running a hand through his hair. "What, what?"

"What did you just say?"

"Sorry?"

She stared at him for a moment, blinked, and then shook her head slightly. "Right. I'm sorry about earlier too. I shouldn't have yelled. I lost my temper." She gave him a rather sheepish grin, as if acknowledging that this was not an uncommon event for her.

Still slightly confused, James just said, "Right. So … that's over with."

"Right."

"Right."

They both turned back simultaneously to gaze at the Shrieking Shack. James always had a morose pleasure in viewing the Shack as an outsider. It was odd feeling, knowing that the next full moon he would be in there, watching his friend rage through the house, a different being.

"Are you scared of it?"

"Sorry?" asked Lily, looking over at him.

"Of the Shack. Does it frighten you?" He was curious, since most people believed it was haunted.

She shrugged. "Not particularly."

He raised an eyebrow. "No?"

"Nah. The villagers say there are awful noises…but it does seem to have calmed down slightly in the past few years, hasn't it?"

_Because of me, Padfoot and Wormtail, _he added silently. "You sure looked spooked when I came over."

She gave him an exasperated look. "I wasn't expecting someone to be here."

"Yeah, most people steer clear of it, because it's," he lowered his voice to a loud whisper, "haunted!"

"Oh, stop being ridiculous," Lily snorted. But to James's amusement, she cast a sideways glance at the Shack.

James shrugged, a mischievous glint in his eyes. "I suppose you haven't heard the stories, then?"

"Of course I have. That rubbish about violent spirits."

"Well, yes," agreed James. "There's that, but what about the _people_?"

"What _people_?" she scoffed.

"The people who went in, of course."

"Right. And how do you expect anyone to get _in _there?" Lily asked, motioning towards the boarded up building.

"It wasn't _always_ boarded up, you know. People used to dare each other to go in there, and see what they found. Well, one night someone _did_ go in. He went at night, probably lost a bet, or something. It's said the shrieks were even _louder_ that night, _excited_. No one ever saw him again…"

"Oh, that is the stupidest hogwash I've ever heard!"

"And then there are the people who never even went in! They were just standing here like us, and then they just…" James apparated behind her and said, "disappeared!"

"Don't _do _that!" Lily squeaked.

James caught sight of Sirius coming up the hill. He inwardly grinned. Then, giving Lily a very serious expression, he said, "But you're probably right. Load of hogwash. None of these stories are true…Not even the one about the girl who…"

"Heya, Evans," said Sirius, tapping her on the back.

Lily yelped. It was just the effect he was looking for. Unable to keep a straight face any longer, James burst into laughter.

"Oh, you think your funny!" Lily gave him a very irritated look.

"Just a bit of fun," agreed James, smiling at her. Sirius looked confused.

"You're stupid, you know that?"

James gave a small bow.

"Oh, for goodness sakes!" she huffed. "Well maybe if these 'stories' are so true, the house will swallow _you_ up, and then I won't have to deal with you!"

"That's not very nice," said James pleasantly, as Lily headed down the hill.

"What was that all about?" asked Sirius. "Convincing another one the Shack is haunted?"

James grinned. "A bit of fun. Plus, the more people that believe the Shack is haunted, the less people believe that it's Moony haunting it…"

They both laughed. Neither of them noticed Lily Evans standing at the bottom of the hill giving them a very peculiar look.

James saw little of Lily for the rest of October, save Prefect and Head meetings. Of course, they had classes together, but studies for N.E.W.T.s were especially rigorous, and there was little time for small chatter. Much to his dismay, she continued going out with McKinnon, and, it seemed, they were quite the item. James had taken to eating breakfast especially early, so not to see them together.

The Quidditch season had begun, and James was pleased to say that Ravenclaw suffered an astounding defeat. Most unfortunately, Mick received _another _bludger injury -- but hey, that's Quidditch. Even more unfortunately, Madam Pomfrey fixed it faster than you could say "bloody git." Lily had given him a rather skeptical look as Mick had been taken off the field, of which he was deeply offended. Really, just because he was Captain. It wasn't as though he had _told_ his Beaters to go after McKinnon…

Soon it was Halloween, and the entire school was a buzz. Talks of pranks and sweets inundated the corridors. James was reluctant to give up the Marauder's Annual Halloween Prank, but he _was_ Head Boy, after all. (He felt a twinge of guilt as he said this, for hadn't he recently pulled one on Snape? Surprisingly, though, he had heard nothing recently from the git.) He did promise his friends, though, that he wouldn't give them a detention if they pulled one.

Sirius just gave him a dark look at this, and said, "We're not doing a prank without you, Prongs. Then it will be like you really _have _left us."

James wasn't quite sure what to make of this remark, but by the feast Sirius seemed to have cheered up, so he disregarded it.

The feast was a great success, and most all the students went to bed that night, content and with full stomachs.

James was sitting propped up against some pillows on his bed, curtains drawn. He was examining the Marauder's Map, as he had taken to doing before falling asleep. It proved an effective tool for catching rule-breakers …though he had only put it to real use, once or twice, landing a few Slytherins in detention.

Tonight, he was pleased to see several students whose names he didn't recognize heading towards the kitchens, no doubt looking for some leftover sweets. He focused back onto the Gryffindor Tower. It was late, and everyone was in his or her dormitories -- Almost everyone, that is. His eyes landed on the small dot labeled, "Lily Evans." What was she doing up so late? Against his better judgment, he silently crept out of bed and down the stairs.

She was sitting on one of the windowsills, her small body illuminated against the black night sky. She was gazing out into the stars, a letter in her hand. Although she was turned away from him, it was obvious: She was crying.

He fought with himself for a moment, trying to decide whether he should butt in or not, but finally said, "Lily?"

She turned her head around slowly, not her usual jumpy response. She didn't look surprised to see him, if anything; she looked as though she hardly acknowledged his presence. Her shoulders shuddered and she turned her head away again.

He went over and sat next to her, well aware that he was prying into business that was not his own. "What's -- what's wrong?"

They were silent tears, but they flowed incessantly. He thought for a moment she was going to just ignore him, but then she set the letter in her hand softly between them, her hand hesitating as if thinking better of it.

It was from her sister.

__

Lily,

_I have only just been able to write you. There has been much to do. Doubtlessly, you know why. The funeral has already happened, so don't bother asking when it is. I did not see why you should be invited._

_Can you imagine my shock on returning from my date with Vernon to find the house half-destroyed and swarming with…with your kind? No, you probably can't. You never did think much of others, did you? Some freaks tried to …what was it? Oh yes, 'modify my memory,'__but some old man convinced them that I knew you and was therefore allowed to know of such 'happenings.' Freak laws and whatnot._

Lily, I can't even put into words my anger. I'm not doing a very good job. YOU DESTROYED OUR FAMILY. Are you aware of that? If it weren't for YOU and your HORRIBLE WAYS, mum and dad would still be alive! YOU KILLED THEM. This is all YOUR fault, and I will never, EVER, in my life forgive you.

Don't bother writing back.

Petunia Evans Dursley

(Yes. Vernon and I are to be married. You are not invited to the wedding. DO NOT COME.)

James was speechless for a moment. Then, without thinking, he put his arms around her, and pulled her into an embrace. She tried to pull away, but he held her there, and soon the tears came faster and more furiously.

Her face buried into his chest, she sobbed and sobbed, emitting a sound not unlike a wounded animal. He didn't know how long he held her there, crying in his arms, but after a while, she seemed to calm down. She pulled away and wiped her eyes.

"Being ridiculous," she muttered, hiccupping. "Foolish …"

"You're allowed to mourn, Lily," said James fiercely. She looked away. "I don't think you've ever properly let yourself. It's okay to cry."

"But she's right," Lily whispered, still not looking at him.

James felt something inside of him clench up. At that moment, he hated Petunia Evans as he had hated no other person before. "This is _not_ your fault, Lily! Don't let your sister make you think that. What does she know?"

Lily didn't respond. The tears started coming. "I just -- I feel so alone. I haven't been able to talk about this with anyone before. Not Mick -- and … Marlene would never understand …"

"I'm here," said James. "I'm always here."

She was crying again. "Why did this have to happen? Why did _He_ attack my parents? I hate him … I _hate him_!"

James didn't know how to respond to this, so he just held her tightly, while she sobbed. He had reason to believe it was one of the first times she had truly mourned for her parents.

He heard a sound from the girls' dormitory, and looking towards the stairs, he saw Marlene McKinnon, sitting there. He was quite sure she had been there for some time. And she had a very ugly expression on her face.


	10. Chapter 10: Wizard's Debt

****

Disclaimer: Jo's. Allllllllllll Jo's.

A/N: Bonjour! Another Chapter….well, this one is long. 8 pages, whoo! I actually was going to keep this chapter (10) and chapter 11 (which has yet to be written) together, but I figured, a) Chapter 10 would then be so very, very long, and b) you all would get another chapter NOW and another later. Don't say I don't love you. ;)

Oh, yeah. And also there's the fact that I'm going away to the beach for a week and won't be able to write or update at all… cough but we won't mention that, of course.

Anyways, without further ado… **Chapter 10,** everybody! APPLAUSE

****

Enjoy!

Heroines in stories always looked beautiful when they cried. Their eyes never got puffy, their faces never got red. They cried softly, not like some wretched animal. Why did she have to cry in front of Potter, of all people? And why did she care so much?

But he had been so…_wonderful_ about it. He hadn't scoffed her, laughed at how pathetic she was. He didn't make some tactless comment about them being so close. He had just held her, and let her cry. Why did she feel so shaken? She was supposed to feel better after letting that out. But what really scared her was the fact that it had felt so right….

When Lily woke up the next morning, Marlene was not in the dorms. Lily assumed she had headed down to breakfast already, and worried that she was running late. When she got to the Great Hall, she spotted Marlene in her usual seat, sitting rather stiffly. Unsurprisingly so, considering the present seating arrangement. Mick was sitting next to her, presumably waiting for Lily as he did most every morning (Lily was not a morning person.), and across from Mick, his gang in tow, was James Potter. The two were decidedly not looking at each other, nor, really, giving any sort of inkling that they knew the other existed. Still, they were not fighting, and that surprised her.

Not that Mick would fight with James. Mick was above such petty immaturity. Not that she was calling James immature…Wait. Why _wasn't_ she calling James immature? "You're going to give yourself a headache," she muttered. Shaking the confusing thoughts out of her head, she sat down next to Mick and gave him a quick peck on the cheek. "Morning," she said.

"Morning," Mick replied, smiling. "You're awfully late this morning." Lily decided that a mixture of a snort and a moan would be a sufficient response.

James took no notice of Lily arriving. He continued his conversation with Sirius, something about Quidditch and puffskeins. This, she supposed, was a very good example of why you should not jump in on other people's conversations. She was very grateful that he was acting normal, and didn't bring up what had happened last night…

James looked up at her, raised his eyebrows, and gave her a rather confused half-smile. She just realized she had been staring. Embarrassed, she turned away.

Marlene was watching her in an almost hawk-like fashion. "Are you alright, Lily? Your eyes are rather puffy."

Lily tensed. She hadn't paid much attention to her appearance this morning. She had expected that her swollen eyes would have returned to normal over night, but apparently not. "I'm tired, that's all." Marlene just stared at her.

"So, Lily," said Mick, glancing uneasily at his sister. "Did you finish that paper on Patronus charms? We're supposed to be starting the practical bit sometime this week."

"Oh, yes," said Lily eagerly. "I can't wait to see what shape my Patronus takes. That is, of course, if I can conjure one. I've practiced the spell some, but I haven't gotten much but mist. I think it's a crime we haven't learned them yet…" And so, she and Mick spent the rest of breakfast discussing the Patronus charm.

By the end of the week, she was already laden with an essay in Herbology on aquatic plants, a roll of parchment on Western Dragons, and several other various assignments that made Lily's head hurt when she thought about them. All in all, it had not been a very good week.

However, as she made her way to Defense Against the Dark Arts after lunch one afternoon, Lily was feeling almost happy, a feat of which she thought was most admirable. She was quite looking forward to Defense Against the Dark Arts this afternoon, as their professor had assured them that today would be the day they would attempt the Patronus charm. She hoped this time she would get it.

James sat idly in Defense Against the Dark Arts, while the other students attempted the charm. He had, of course, mastered the charm on first try. He'd mastered it a while ago, truthfully, one boring day in the library during fifth year when he was 'Lily-watching,' as Sirius put it. Unfortunately, now he was quite bored.

"Nothing to do, Mr. Potter?" James looked up into the sour face of his Defense Against the Dark Arts professor.

"I'm done," said James impassively.

"Let's see, then."

James gave an uninterested shrug, said, "_Expecto Patronum!_" and watched as his Patronus ambled around the room. One student gasped and several applauded. While James hadn't thought them all that hard, their professor had given them a lengthy 'pep-talk' about how difficult the Patronus was, how they shouldn't expect to create a corporeal Patronus on their first attempt, and though it's unlikely many of them would be able to produce one, it's better to at least know how to, than to be sitting ducks for the Dementors.

After such a longwinded speech, many of the students were looking doubtfully at their notes, and after most of the period, only James and Sirius had successfully produced a corporeal Patronus.

"Very nice, Mr. Potter. Very nice indeed. Ten points to Gryffindor," said his professor, nodding approvingly. Marlene scowled at him as his Patronus strolled by, before fading away. "Well, if you're done, make yourself useful and help some of the other students."

James agreed, and started wandering around the classroom. On passing Sirius, James muttered, "Looks just like you." Sirius, who was gazing at his Animagus-like Patronus, snorted appreciatively in response.

Old habits take a long time to overcome, so soon James found his feet taking him over to where Lily and Marlene were practicing. Lily was looking very putout, but Marlene had emitted a semi-formed Patronus from her wand. He wasn't quite sure what it was, but it was something.

"What are you doing, Potter?" asked Marlene, giving him a suspicious glance before returning her attention to her Patronus.

"I'm helping, of course."

"Helping?" Marlene snorted. "That's likely."

"I was asked to walk around and help people."

"And of course, you came directly here."

"Not directly. I walked around that way a little first,' replied James, smiling.

"Right." Marlene rolled her eyes. "Well, you can walk right back over that way, because I don't need your help."

James raised his eyebrows. "I didn't come over here to help _you_."

"No?" said Marlene, her voice wavering. "No, of course not. You came over to bug Lily. Because that's all you ever do, isn't it?"

"Give it a rest, Marlene," said Lily, looking tired.

"You can just leave us alone, Potter. You never cause anything but trouble!"

"Funny, I thought you were just talking about Lily. Now it's 'us' again, is it?"

"Leave me _alone_!" screeched Marlene. A few people were staring at them now.

"Now it's _you,_ is it?"

"Oh, shut up, both of you!" said Lily, glaring at them. "Marlene, he's doing nothing. James, don't provoke her. You two are giving me a headache!"

"Apologies," replied James, rather curtly, giving Marlene a contemptuous look nonetheless.

"You're taking his side!" cried Marlene incredulously.

"I'm not taking anyways side," replied Lily in an exasperated tone, rolling her eyes. "You're both being idiots."

Marlene looked like she was going to explode. Her face was flushed, and her eyes were bulging slightly behind her blue frames. She opened her mouth, and James prepared himself for the fit. However, she didn't scream. She simply muttered, "I'm going to go see how Tierza and Jill are doing," and made her way over to the two other Gryffindor girls, who were frowning dejectedly at a nonexistent Patronus.

"Sorry," grumbled James, starting to leave.

"And where do you think your going?" asked Lily, hands on hips.

"…Away?" asked James, looking slightly surprised.

"You didn't run off my tutor to just leave. You're helping me now, whether you like it or not."

James couldn't help but laugh. "Lily Evans, asking me for help! I'm shocked."

"Oh, yes, yes. Go ahead and gloat. But I want to do a Patronus and I want to do one _now_." She stamped her foot on the last word for effect. James laughed again.

"Alright," he said. "Well, let's see you try. I can't help until I know what you're doing wrong."

Lily tried. She produced little more than a very weak mist.

"Well," said James, examining the now fading mist. "You're technique is fine…maybe your memory isn't strong enough. Find a happier memory?" Lily muttered something he couldn't understand. "Sorry?"

She looked up at him, almost defiantly. "I said I'm finding that rather hard right now."

James simply nodded. "Well -- I don't know how much I can help you there. How about when you first discovered you were a witch?"

"I tried that."

"When you became Head Girl?"

Lily laughed. "It's a nice thing to aspire to, but I wouldn't call it the happiest moment of my life. But as you mentioned it, we have a Prefects meeting again the Friday before Christmas break."

"Right. Thanks for reminding me. Well, anyway, what memory are you using now?"

Lily suddenly became immensely interested in the tip of her wand.

"Something with Mick?"

Lily glared at him. "If you must know, it's not. I'd really rather not delve deeper."

"Sorry," James said, truthfully. "I'm not really being much help, am I? I'll leave you alone."

"No, wait! Don't go," said Lily as he started to walk away. "I don't want to be over here all by myself," she added quickly. "Marlene looks pretty shirty, and it's partially your fault she left."

James snorted. "Alright, but I don't know how much help I'll be."

"Well, let me try again. Expecto _Patronum!_" A wisp of silvery gas escaped the tip of her wand.

"Okay, this time you annunciated wrong. It's _Expecto Patronum_. Say it evenly."

"_Expecto Patronum_," she repeated.

"Good. Try it again."

She cast him a quick glance before saying, "_Expecto Patronum!_" A shadow erupted from her wand. Its shape was indistinguishable, but it was moving around like something alive nonetheless.

"Excellent!" said James, applauding. "Try again!"

But he was interrupted by the bell.

"Well," said Marlene rather coolly, as she and Lily made their way up to Divination. "I thought that went very well. Mine was fully formed by the end, did you see? It's a Lynx, you know. Did you get one? I didn't look. No, you didn't, did you? Well, if you hadn't _abandoned_ me…"

"Abandoned you!" cried Lily incredulously. "You're the one who ran off to Tierza and Jill just because big bad Potter came over. Gosh, Marlene. I don't understand you sometimes."

Marlene said nothing.

Her friend's behavior became ever more bizarre. She grew increasingly snappy and constantly questioned Lily about when she was next going to do something with Mick.

"I don't _know_," said Lily exasperatedly one afternoon. "He hasn't asked me to go to Hogsmeade any time recently. Ask him, if you're so worried."

November passed, and December was passing. Overnight the castle and grounds looked as though someone had taken their snow globe and shook it up. Lily loved the snow. On their afternoon off, Lily had wanted Marlene to come outside and play with her, but Marlene had said quite plainly that she thought it was a childish waste of time. Lily shrugged her off, and went out by herself. She had been out for a while, casting a quick heating spell to keep herself from becoming ill. There were only a few hours before curfew. She wasn't sure why, but there was something very comforting about the snow.

She was lying on the snow-covered ground, her eyes closed, when she heard a voice above her. "What are you doing?" She opened her eyes to see Remus Lupin standing over her, regarding her with some curiosity.

"Making a snow angel. Care to join me?" she said, sitting up and motioning to the snow. She liked Remus Lupin. She had worked with him for the past two years as Prefects, and although she hadn't held much esteem for his choice in friends, he, at least, had some integrity and common sense.

Remus smiled slightly, and sat down, looking as if it were against his better judgment to do so. He was looking extremely weary, and as though he hadn't had a good night's sleep in a long time. Personally, she thought being out in the snow was about the last thing he needed to do.

"So," asked Lily, "what are _you _doing?"

"Oh," said Remus, "not much. Just…wandering. Getting a good look at the grounds before…vacation."

"Right. Are you going home, then?"

Remus nodded. "And you?" He gave a sharp intake of breath after saying this, as though he regretted it.

Lily just said, "I'm spending the holidays with Marlene and Mick. They've got a big family. She said her mother wouldn't mind one more." She gave a faint laugh.

"That sounds nice," said Remus. He pushed a lock of hair away from his forehead, accidentally revealing a small gash in his skin that seemed to have healed over many times before. Funny, she had never noticed that before. "I didn't really want to go home this year, but my parents were quite insistent. Seemed to think they don't see enough me…uh, Lily?" Lily snapped to attention. She had been staring at his scarred forehead.

"Er, yes?"

"You were giving me a very funny look."

"Was I?" she asked, trying to sound surprised.

"Yes," said Remus, eying her rather cagily.

"Moony!" They both looked up to see Sirius Black striding towards them "There you are. I've been looking all over for you. We'd better get up to the hosp-- Evans!" Sirius stopped in his tracks, looking surprised to see her.

"Hello," said Lily pleasantly. Maybe if she acted insignificant Sirius would finish what he was going to say. Some may call it nosy, but Lily decided she was merely curious.

"Er, right," said Remus, looking very uncomfortable. "We'd better go…then. Wouldn't, er, want to be late." He cast what she expected he thought was a furtive glance at the sky.

Against her better judgment, Lily asked, "What are you two up to?"

"Up to?" asked Sirius, giving her a pretend-innocent look. She had seen that look before; it was the 'I-_am_-actually-following-the-rules-but-I-want-you-to-think-I'm-guilty-so-I'll-pretend-to-be-innocent-look.'

Lily raised her eyebrows in disbelief. "This wouldn't have anything to do with a rain date for the lack of your Annual Halloween Prank?"

Sirius clapped a fist to his chest. "You wound me, Evans! Did it never occur to you that we _might_ have grown up a little over the summer?"

Lily regarded him with some amusement. "No," she said, unable to hold back a grin.

"I'm glad," Sirius said. Then giving a mock bow, he continued, "In that case, we'll be on our way."

"Just so long as whatever prank you're pulling doesn't upset the train for Christmas. I want to get _out_ of here!"

Sirius gave her a double thumbs up and the two made their way inside, leaving Lily to laugh, despite herself.

Finally, Christmas vacation was almost here. Lily could not wait for a break from school. She _needed_ it. Regardless that she would probably be spending most of the vacation working on homework, she was still looking forward to it.

She and Marlene were in their dorms, packing. Well, to an extent. Marlene was reading aloud Lily's most recent horoscope out of _Witch Weekly _and Lily was, actually, unpacking.

Marlene had finished hers in one sweep of her hand, and with firm _pack!_ had finished Lily's as well.

"But I don't _need_ all of that stuff," Lily had told her insistently. "That'll just be more unpacking when we get back." Marlene just rolled her eyes and turned to the horoscope section in her magazine.

Lily gently unfolded a few shirts that she knew she wasn't going to wear and set them aside. She was only half listening to Marlene. "Near the end of December," she read, "a fight with someone close will revive a relationship -- well, that's good I suppose -- but that very relationship will bring danger near. Oh dear," commented Marlene. "Well, just don't get into any fights any time soon and everything should be okay."

Lily gave a dry laugh; she didn't believe any of that rubbish. She removed a few more items from her trunk before she fell upon a cream-colored robe. She unfolded it carefully. However, she didn't put it aside. Instead, she stood up and held it out before her. It was her dress robes. However, they were more than dress robes, to her. They were her mother's. It was an old dress of her mother's from when she was a girl. Lily had always loved playing dress-up in it as a child, so when her Hogwarts supplies list had told her she needed dress robes for the commencement ceremony, Lily had opted not to buy an expensive new set from Madam Malkin's. With a little bit of magic and a little bit of help from a muggle sewing machine, Lily and her mother had transformed the old dress into a beautiful, stylish, dress robe. It was made of a silky, cream-colored material and had a green silk sash around the tapered waist. The neckline fell just off the shoulders, giving it what Lily believed a very romantic look. She loved it.

"What are you putting that back in for?" asked Marlene as Lily tenderly folded it back up and laid it in her trunk. Lily just shrugged while absent-mindedly smoothing a wrinkle. "You'll hardly need it. I assure you, Christmas with the McKinnon's is not a dressy affaire. With me, Mick, two little brothers and a sister, how could it be?" She laughed. (Marlene had a very big family. Her two younger brothers were in Ravenclaw like Mick, first and second years. Her little sister was going to be a first year next year.)

Lily just shrugged and put the dress in. Then, glancing at her watch, she cried, "Oh, holy hippogriff! I completely forgot. Prefects meeting tonight…Gotta go!" She then jumped up and practically fell down two flights of stairs. As she made her way closer to the Head's Lounge, she shook her shoulders and tried to regain her dignity. They had taken to using the Head's Lounge for Prefect meetings as Peeves had recently decided the Prefects room was as good as any to make his private shooting practice range. Shooting wads of gum, that is.

"Shrieking Shack," said Lily, rolling her eyes slightly at James's most recent password. He liked to change them weekly and count how long it would take for his friends to break in. The current record was twenty-two minutes and thirty-nine seconds. Lily didn't even want to ask how he had gotten such a precise number.

"Sorry," said Lily as she entered the room. "Sorry I'm late."

"Not a problem," answered James, handing out schedules for the first couple meetings after Christmas Break. "Adelaide Stein just got here a minute or two ago as well." The Hufflepuff girl blushed fiercely, but whether that was her chagrin of being late, or the fact that James had addressed her personally, Lily couldn't be certain.

"Great," Lily clapped her hands. "Let's get cracking then."

It was a basic meeting. Short and sweet. Basically, they told the Prefects to have a good holiday and watch out for troublemakers on the train. James here afforded a very large wink to the Ravenclaw Prefect, who even Lily agreed needed to lighten up. Soon the Prefects were gone, and only James and Lily remained. Lily was sipping a Butterbeer on the couch, and James was fiddling with the password.

"Really, 'Shrieking Shack' is just too easy. They'll get it in in no time. I need something really random. Something they'll never guess…"

"How about 'get a life?'" suggested Lily innocently.

James laughed. "Actually, I doubt they would get that."

"I'd certainly have no trouble remembering it."

"Ah, well. 'Shrieking Shack' will have to do for now."

"You do like to rub that in my face, don't you?" said Lily sardonically.

"Yep," James grinned. He then walked over to cupboard and helped himself to a Butterbeer. He popped it open and fell back onto one of the plush chairs across from her. "Cheers," he said.

Lily gave him a small half smile. She watched him as he took a long swig. She sighed. Something had changed. He was one of the few people she felt comfortable around anymore, but at the same time, she felt distinctly uneasy in his presence.

James had noticed her watching him. "Everything all right, Lily?"

Lily didn't answer immediately, but continued to watch him. Whenever she was around him…there was a strange _force_. As if something needed to be done. She felt uncomfortable yet at the same time….

"No," she answered after a moment. It seemed to take James a minute to remember what the question was. "No, something has been bothering me. I've only just realized what it is."

"And?"

Lily took a deep breath. "Wizard's debt."

James's expression darkened. "Lily, I told you to forget about it."

"I _can't_!" she cried. "You don't understand. It's always there. Whenever I'm around you, I feel so…so…aaargh! Just…think about it, okay? I have to do _something_. I don't know how much longer I can stand it!"

James frowned. The two sat in silence for a few minutes. Then, "Okay."

"Okay?"

"I've thought about it."

"And?"

James didn't respond. He then said very quietly, "Kiss me." 

"What?"

"Just…once. I want to know what it feels like to be McKinnon…"

"James -- I can't…I'm with Mick…I can't…"

Something seemed to change abruptly in his expression. "Right," he said, looking very embarrassed. "I'm sorry -- I shouldn't have asked. I don't know what came over me…"

"James…" Maybe it was the Butterbeer, or maybe it _was_ the Wizard's debt, but for some reason beyond her ability to fathom, Lily leaned over and kissed him.

...

James walked very, very slowly back to the common room. Lily had left almost immediately, looking terribly embarrassed. She needn't have. Be embarrassed that was. He certainly was enough for both of them.

He hadn't expected it to happen, even when he asked. He didn't know why he asked. It was ridiculous. Then, when she had…you know…he had been so surprised that he hadn't known quite what to think. But now…

He had assumed that a part of him would jump up and do a victory dance, the same part of him that made him pull pranks and tease his friends. He assumed a boyish delight of finally kissing Lily Evans would overcome him. But it hadn't. No, what he felt now was a very different emotion. He felt a force both strong and horrible. Ache.

**Author's Notes:** You guys made my evening. I return from vacation to find **20** new reviews awaiting me! You have no idea how happy that made me. I love you guys :):):):) Chapter wise, a new one should be coming soon. I want (but don't count on it) to get the whole story done by July 16th. You guys know why. :P Anyways, tata for now...I'll try to post soon. Bisous, Chloë. 


	11. Chapter 11: Christmas with the McKinnons

****

Author's Note: Hello. This is kind of a short chapter, and I apologize for that, but the ending seemed a quite nice way to make you all yell at me loudly. -grin-

I'm actually quite fond of this chapter. It flowed from my fingers quite easily, despite the fact that I've just recently come off a block. For today, I am stuck at home all day long with absolutely nothing to do, so who knows, I might even have chapter 12 done, by midnight. -double grin-

So now, of course, once I go ahead and say "**DISCLAIMER: Jo's, Jo's, Jo's,**" I give you…

****

Chapter 11: Christmas with the McKinnons.

The train ride home for Christmas holiday had seemed especially long. Although James had become quite good at acting like everything was normal when it bloody well wasn't, his friends could always tell when something was really bothering him. And something really was.

Lily.

He was such an _idiot_! Why did he do these things to himself? Why couldn't he just let her go? Let McKinnon have her. (He could help but scowl at the thought.) Why did he have to keep -- oh, how he hated to say it -- _hurting_ himself?

He would just have to stop. He _had_ to…

"Oi, Prongs," Sirius said, bunging a Chocolate Frog at him. It hit him on the nose. James looked up. "Something wrong?" asked Sirius. James _never_ missed catching anything -- especially chocolate.

"Nothing," muttered James.

"Right. And you're sullen and scowling, and shredding your Famous Wizards Card, why?"

James looked at the bits of paper on the floor. He hadn't even noticed.

"Nothing," he repeated, turning to look out the window. "Nothing at all." But this time he was talking to himself, not his friends.

…

Lily lay in the makeshift bed in Marlene's room, trying not to make much noise. Marlene was still asleep, but Lily couldn't. Sleep, that was. She didn't know what it was, but something just didn't feel right. It was early, but not an indecent hour. She hoped Marlene would wake soon. It was weird, for lack of a better word, to be up before Marlene. Lily was not usually a morning person.

She slipped out of bed into a pair of slippers and began to slowly tiptoe down the stairs. If she was going to be awake, she might as well make use of the time. She found her way to the backyard and pulled out her wand. Now was as good of time as any.

"_Expecto --_"

"Lily?" Lily looked up, abandoning her potential Patronus, to see Mick McKinnon coming towards her. "What are you doing up so early?"

"Couldn't sleep," answered Lily vaguely. "I figured I'd get some more practice on the Patronus."

"Always studying," laughed Mick. "Why aren't you in Ravenclaw, again?"

Lily smiled, though it was strained.

"Aren't you cold?" he asked, putting an arm around her. "It's freezing out here." Lily didn't respond. "Is something wrong, Lily? You seem upset."

"Nothing," said Lily. "It's nothing."

"You're shivering." She was. Somehow, though, it didn't seem to be because of the snow. "Come on," said Mick, taking her hand and leading her inside. "It's too cold to be out this morning. I'll make you a cup of tea, or something."

He was so sweet. So wonderful. He was exactly the type of guy she had always said she'd end up with. So why did she feel like something was missing?

"Here," Mick said, handing her a mug of steaming tea and taking a seat beside her. Lily clutched the mug with both hands and stared into the russet haze. She didn't drink it though.

Mick put his arm around her. "What's wrong?"

"Really," said Lily quietly, "it's nothing."

"It's not nothing." Mick leaned in as if to kiss her, but Lily, unconscious of doing it, pulled away. Mick looked concerned. "Lily, if something is bothering you…"

"I really don't want to talk about it," she said, a little more snappishly than intended. Nonetheless, she stood up and made her way upstairs, leaving a rather upset look Mick behind. She felt guilty about treating him like that, when he had been nothing but nice to her. But…

She'd been here for a few days now, and she'd been surprisingly short with both Mick and Marlene. Marlene, she told herself, was excusable. Her friend was being utterly ridiculous and irritating…but Mick? What had he done?

Nothing. He'd done nothing.

And, strangely, it was this thought that consoled her as she climbed the creaking stairs.

"You're up," stated Marlene, as Lily walked into the room. Marlene was sitting on her bed running a comb through her hair.

"Yes."

"You're aware it's not ten o'clock yet?" Her friend laughed.

"Yes." Her voice was cold.

Marlene eyed her crossly. "Okay, Lily. Enough is enough."

"What do you mean?" asked Lily, rather icily.

"You know bloody well what I mean. You! You've been acting like…like…Gosh, Lily, I don't even know. Something's come over you this year. You've changed. And then you come here, and we let you stay with us, spend Christmas with us…you're not even happy here, are you? You're not grateful, you don't even care…"

"Don't be ridiculous. Of course I'm grateful."

"You're not. I can tell. All you do is sulk. Sulk, sulk, sulk. Because no one understands you. No one understands you, do they, Lily?"

"Shut up!"

"You don't talk to me any more, and if I even try, you go hide in your little shell! I'm not good enough for you anymore, am I? No, you go traipsing around with --"

"Now you're going to bring up James Potter again, aren't you?"

"Yes! Yes, I am!"

"This has nothing to do with him," said Lily fiercely.

"It has _everything_ to do with him, because _everything_ is about him with you!" cried Marlene, throwing her arms up in the air.

"Now you're just being stupid," said Lily incredulously. "How in the name of Merlin is everything about him with me? Oh, I've gone to a Prefects meeting! Quelle horreur! I must be shagging him in secret and cheating on your brother! What is it with you, Marlene? _I've_ changed?"

"Yes, you have!"

"Well maybe I have! But it's a bloody good thing if I used to act like you're acting now!" Lily said, her voice rising.

"See! There you go again!"

"There I go again! What am I doing now?"

"Putting me down. When all I try to do is help!"

"How is this _helping_?" asked Lily in disbelief.

But Marlene wasn't to be interrupted. "No, you wouldn't even try asking _me_, your _friend_. You wouldn't talk to _me._ Because no one understands…poor, poor Lily, no one understands you! Because I, your best friend, I would _never_ understand."

Lily stopped. The allusion was not lost on her, but how…? Breathing heavily, Lily said, "You heard --"

"Oh, yes!" cried Marlene shrilly. "Yes! '_I can't talk to Mick!_'" she mimicked. "'_And Marlene would never understand!_'No, Lily! You're right. I don't understand! I don't bloody understand you! I would _never _understand…what a great excuse to go crying to Potter --"

"Shut up, Marlene," said Lily very quietly.

"I'm not stupid, Lily. I know what you're up to. I'm not a complete dolt, you know."

"Really! Could've fooled me! Not a _complete _dolt, that's some accomplishment!"

"I've tried to be a good friend! A good, _understanding_, friend! But I can't be good enough for you! Ever since…"

"Ever since what, Marlene?" Lily's voice was dangerously low.

Marlene's voice faltered. "Ever since…Ever since your parents were killed! Look, I'm sorry! But don't take it out on me! There's nothing I could've done! You could've _tried_ talking to me, you could've tried! I think -- I think were just looking for an excuse to run to Potter! What can he do that I can't? Why can you talk to him and not me?"

Lily said nothing. She was frozen. Then finally, words came. They came bubbling out of her ferociously, like an exploding volcano. "You are…incredible. I can't talk to you because you act like this! Don't pretend you know what I'm feeling! Maybe I am being selfish, maybe I am being silly! Maybe I do act like no one understands me, but you know what, Marlene? I -- don't -- give -- a -- damn. I don't care! I'm petty! I'm stupid! I'm _running to Potter_! I don't care! I don't care, I don't care, I don't care!"

She had been yelling, but Lily now dropped her voice into a deathly whisper. "You want to know why I can talk to James, do you? Guess what, Marlene. James didn't hear about Voldemort attacking me and my parents through his father in the ministry --"

Marlene winced at the use of his name. She had turned very white. "But…You-Know-Who…he just said there were Death Eaters…"

Lily ignored her. "He was _there_, Marlene. James was there. He saved my life. Why can I talk to him? I don't know, maybe it's because…because he's the only one who knows what happened. Because…because he _cares._ Maybe he is an annoying git! Maybe he can be conceited! But at least he actually cares about me." Tears were starting to leak from her eyes. _It's okay to cry,_ he had said. _You're allowed to mourn._

"I can't stay here," said Lily suddenly, turning away from Marlene. Most of her stuff was still packed. She threw a few random items into her trunk with a flick of her wand, and summoned a little pouch of Floo Powder from her jacket.

"Lily!"

Lily ignored her. Then, making her way over to the fireplace in Marlene's room, she threw the Floo Powder in and shouted the first place that came to mind. Then, without looking back, she thrust herself into the green flames and went whirling away.

She arrived very ungracefully, sprawled on the floor, her trunk lying painfully on her ankle. She stood up, limping slightly, and gazed around her surroundings.

"Oh, gosh," she whispered. And she sat down again on her trunk.

She hadn't been thinking. It only just occurred to her how odd it was that the house was still connected to the Floo Network. There had been a law passed a year or so ago that any Muggle household that homed an underage witch or wizard should have the opportunity to be connected to the Floo Network, in case of an emergency. Lily had eagerly submitted an application, and had had her home connected for a little under a year. A lot of good that had done her, she thought bitterly.

But as she gazed around at her former home (and hadn't she sworn never to return?), she was struck by how curious it was that the house hadn't been disconnected. Technically, as her parents had said in their will that the house went to the older daughter, the house was Petunia's, therefore a Muggle residence. Maybe they considered Lily still an inhabitant of the house, or maybe they simply had other, more important things to deal with than disconnected a deserted home.

Either way, here she was, sitting breathless in her living room.

She said she'd never come back, never! It was just too painful. Every picture on the wall, every crease on her father's chair, every scent of dust and neglect, it all filled her with a sense desperate loss. What would her mother say if she could see the dust on the mantle or the broken windows? She could see her mother cleaning the room fanatically, her father sitting in his green chair, laughing. When she was younger, she would sit on her father's lap in that chair, and he would tell her stories about Kings and Queens, dragons and knight…She would listen, rapt with attention, intrigued by the sense of magic and thrill of it all.

Petunia would laugh and say something like, "You're so silly, Lily. There are no such things as dragons!" Or she would tease her about the dragons that supposedly haunted her hallways at night.

Her mother would smile and tell her that if she wanted there to be dragons, there could very well be dragons in this world. She was right, wasn't she? Then her mother would say, "It's time for bed, Lily, Petunia. It's late. Daddy will give you another story tomorrow, okay?"

And she and Petunia would head off to their individual rooms, Petunia pretending to be frightened of the dragon in the closet. But Lily wasn't scared, because her mother and father were in the room across the hallway, and they would always protect her -- no matter what.

But they weren't here now. They would never be. They could no longer protect her.

And suddenly, Lily was struck with a sense of fear so full and so complete, she thought she might explode.

It was daylight now, and the sun shone through the windows, scattered by the broken glass. Yet somehow, the house seemed darker than night itself. The sun was artificial, it didn't exist. Though she could see clearly her surroundings, she felt blind. There was a darkness in the corners of her eyes that seemed to be creeping over her vision, like a painter painting a window black.

She stood up suddenly and began to walk towards the stairs. Up, she went. Down the hallway. Into her parents' room.

It looked the same; it smelled the same. The closet door was ajar, and she opened it, breathing in deeply the scent of her parents. Her mother's dressing gown was hanging on the door, where she put it every morning. Lily gently took it off its hanger and pressed it against her cheek. The cloth was soft; it comforted her.

The blackness was increasing.

She wrapped the gown around her.

So dark…it might as well have been midnight.

She crawled into her parents' bed and curled up under the covers.

The blackness overtook her.

Lily opened her eyes, very slowly. She had a terrible headache. She was still in her mother's robe, still lying in the bed, but she felt as though much time had passed. A glance at the clock across the room told her she was right. It was nearly five o'clock.

Something creaked out in the hallway. Lily jumped up, gripping her wand fiercely. Cautiously, she stepped out of the bed and crept slowly towards the door, the robe falling off her shoulders as she went.

She approached, holding her wand in front of her, ready to attack. "Who's there?" No one answered. "I'm armed…I'm w-warning you!" She swung the door open.

No one.

She poked her head out of the door and look down the hallway. No one. She exhaled. She couldn't stay here. She'd go mad if she did.

Lily descended down the stairs and found her trunk, unmoved, of course. She opened it and pulled out a green sweater. She changed quickly and brushed her hair. She still looked a mess, she was sure, but it was an improvement, at least.

She heaved her trunk upright and stood facing the fireplace, thinking carefully what she wanted to do. She couldn't Floo back to Hogwarts; it was removed from the Network except for inside itself -- for safety reasons. So where could she go? Not back to Marlene's…no. Absolutely not.

Now was not the time for rash actions, she reminded herself. It was dangerous just wandering around these days. But then…

Oh, whatever, Lily thought, frustrated. She threw some Floo Powder into the fireplace and stepped forward. She'd enter the flames and have to make a decision quickly, that was it (She always worked better under pressure).

She stepped into the fireplace and immediately felt the warm flames licking her body. It was not particularly uncomfortable, but she knew the Floo Powder would only last so long. She had to think of somewhere to go. She racked her brain. The words came out, but she hardly listened to what she was saying.

Let it take her where it must.

**Author's Note:** That's chapter 11, folks! Those of you who hate Marlene (which is about everyone), I hope you had fun. Writing fights is _so_ much fun... 


	12. Chapter 12: Through the Fireplace

****

Author's note: Hello! Just a few quick comments on this chapter:

- I like this chapter ;)

- Some of you are going to hate it.

- I went back and forth with this chapter a lot, because I realized what you'd all think -- However, let it suffice to say that this is what I've been planning since the beginning.

- You should review. ;)

Disclaimer: All HP stuff is copyrighted JKR.

****

Previously in _Meant to Be:_

__

She stepped into the fireplace and immediately felt the warm flames licking her body. It was not particularly uncomfortable, but she knew the Floo Powder would only last so long. She had to think of somewhere to go. She racked her brain. The words came out, but she hardly listened to what she was saying.

Let it take her where it must.

****

Chapter 12: Through the Fireplace.

"_Lily?_" Two very shocked faces met her as she tumbled out of the fire. Familiar faces. Too familiar. Lily bit her lip. This was where her mind took her, was it? Well…too late to change it now. She opened her mouth to say something, but no words came out. Instead, she just looked at the two boys in front of her, who were looking stunned and a bit shaken. She closed her eyes for a moment and then opened them again. They were still there.

James Potter and Sirius Black were sitting at a table across from the fireplace, staring at her.

After a moment's silence, James Potter started talking. "What are you doing here?" he asked. "Is everything okay? Were you…attacked…?"

Of course. He was fearing the worst. That wasn't surprising, given the circumstances of her first visit to the Potter household. "No," Lily said quickly, feeling very embarrassed. "No, no, it's nothing like that…."

"So…why are you here, then?" His voice wasn't judging, merely curious. She felt herself redden more.

"I…ran away," she said delicately.

"Ran away? From what?"

Lily gave them a rather sardonic smile. They'd love this. "Marlene."

James and Sirius exchanged glances. Then Sirius spoke: "Well, while completely understandable, any particular reason?"

"We had a …fight, this morning. We were yelling, and she said some things I…well, we just had a fight. And I lost my temper and left." Why was she telling them this? She should just grab some Floo Powder and _go_. "Look, I'm sorry. This was stupid. I shouldn't have come…I don't know why I came here, I just…I should go…" She was heading back for the fireplace, but Sirius grabbed her arm.

"Whoa, Lily, calm down," he said. "Don't worry, James's house is practically an asylum for a runaways by now. You can see the beacon from miles away." He chuckled.

"What do you mean?"

"Me, for one," said Sirius. "I ran away from home last summer. Came here. Then there's Remus; he more or less lives here for a while after…well, after he's visited with his parents some, and of course --"

"Why did you run away?" asked Lily curiously, forgetting herself.

"Ah, well, you've met my younger brother, Regulus, right?" Lily nodded slightly, trying not to make a face. She knew Regulus Black. He was a Slytherin a few years below them, and a right unpleasant person. Sirius laughed, though it was rather hollow, she noticed. "Well, imagine about five of him twenty times worse, and you get the picture."

"Hang on," said James suddenly. "You left Marlene's in the morning, you said. So where've you been until now?"

Not that it was his business, but…"I went home."

"Lily--"

"I couldn't stay there," she continued, unsure of why she was telling him this. Maybe it was the fact that she had, uninvited, tumbled through his fireplace and was now standing in his house, or maybe it was something else. She couldn't say. "I _couldn't_ stay there…I would've gone crazy. I -- I didn't know where to go…I'm sorry." She couldn't meet his eyes.

"There's no reason to be sorry," said James, sounding rather shocked. "You're welcome here, of course, I --"

"No, listen. This isn't …I mean, I should go, really. I'll go back to Hogwarts, or something."

"Don't be ridiculous," said James gruffly, already beginning to haul her trunk out of the room. She followed him, rather flustered. "You can stay here. School is no place for Christmas," he added with a grin. "Besides, how would you get there? Sirius, give me a hand with this."

Lily didn't respond, but instead watched in silence as Sirius rolled his eyes at James, pulled out his wand, and levitated the trunk up the stairs.

"Right," said James, nodding at Sirius. "That works too."

Sirius snorted and James motioned for Lily to follow him up the stairs. Lily did, with some misgivings. Down another hallway they went, another turn, another hallway…

"Your house is…_huge_," said Lily, gazing in quiet awe as they passed door after door.

Sirius winked. "We often use Floo Powder to get around quickly, but recently James's mum got a bit irritated with having to buy more Powder every week, so she told us, what was it?"

"Use our bloody legs and walk a little," said James, laughing. "It's not _that_ big," he added, shrugging. "We're just lazy."

"Your parents -- they won't mind me staying … really, I don't want to be a nuisance -- I'm --"

"They won't mind at all," answered James briskly.

"Honestly, Lily. Give up. We're never letting you leave, now," laughed Sirius. "Really though, James's parents love having people over. Secretly, they're upset that they only have one son and that they got stuck with a prick like James." James, on cue, punched Sirius on the shoulder. Sirius, grinning, added, "And that's why they more-or-less adopted me!"

"Here we are," said James, opening a door. "This is the guest suite…the bedroom's there, see, and the bathroom," he pointed his wand and a door swung open, "is there."

Lily stuttered her thanks, feeling very embarrassed.

"Don't worry about it," said James laughing.

"The Potter residence: Offering refuge and shelter from any and all McKinnon's."

Lily frowned at Sirius. "I feel really guilty about that. They were so very nice in letting me stay with them…I just couldn't …well. Marlene. You know."

"Oh, do we know," said Sirius. "My dear Lily, you've finally seen the light."

Lily just stared across the room, feeling incredibly awkward.

"You must be hungry," said James, "if you left in the morning."

It was only then that Lily realized she hadn't eaten all day. "Oh," she said, a little surprised by his hospitality, "well, yes, a little, but --"

"I'm sure we have something I can heat up in the kitchen," said James, making for the door.

"He may be a brute at school, but his mother _did_ teach him some manners. He's a right little gentlemen at home!"

"Shut up, Sirius," laughed James. "Just because you grew up a barbarian…"

"Too true," agreed Sirius, following James out the door with a grin.

Lily knew she should follow, but despite the fact that she had slept all day (if being practically comatose counts as sleeping), she felt remarkably tired. Her legs were weak from traveling (Flooing was supposed to be very convenient, but she always felt it took quite a lot out of a person), and before she knew it, she was lying down on the bed, her eyes closing unexpectedly.

A little later, she heard, though she was not conscious enough to respond, someone saying her name, very quietly. "Lily?"

And though she wasn't sure how long it had been, when she woke there was a tray of hot soup and tea, presumably kept warm by a heating charm.

Well, Marlene should be satisfied. She had run to Potter. And, she thought as she sipped the tea, for something her friend said with such disgust, it wasn't so bad. Not at all.

James poked his head into the guest suite a few minutes after realizing Lily was no longer behind him. Of course, he knocked first. She might've been changing or something, and _that_ would've awkward. But he got no response, so he called, "Lily?" When no response came again, he slowly opened the door and peeked in. She was lying on the bed and appeared to be fast asleep. "Lily?" he asked, quieter this time, so as not to wake her up if she was indeed asleep.

No response. He took that as a yes, she was sleeping. She looked as though she had just fallen there and not bothered to get up. He closed the door very softly, and went back down the hallway.

Downstairs, Sirius was rummaging through the kitchen. As James walked in, he gave him a glance that asked quite plainly, 'So? She didn't apparate away, or something?'

"She's sleeping," said James, very softly.

"Right. Well, food wise, there's plenty of stuff to _cook_ with, but not much in the way of leftovers."

"Not with you eating here."

"And we both know neither of us can cook. Especially you. You might poison her."

"Unfortunately, very true."

"But there is some quiche --"

"No," said James, "It's broccoli, right? Lily hates broccoli."

Sirius raised his eyebrows.

"Alright," said James chuckling, raising his hands in a guilty fashion. "So I more or less stalked her in fifth year. We've gotten past this, remember?"

Sirius just shook his head. "You know, not five months ago Lily would have rather taken on a herd of angry hippogriffs than come here."

"I'm as shocked as you are."

Sirius cocked his head. "I don't think you are. You two have definitely…come closer this year."

"Well, we've been working together a lot, I guess."

Sirius considered him for a moment. "Well, anyways, there's some potato soup here, too."

"That'll do," said James, happy to move away from the subject of Lily. He placed the soup and a mug of tea on a tray and cast a quick heat-retaining charm, then took the tray up to her room. He knocked again, very softly, in case she had woken up. She hadn't, apparently, so he went in and very quietly set the tray next to her bed. As he left the room, however, he couldn't help but stand for a few moments at the doorway and watch her lying there. She was so beautiful, with her dark red hair spread over the pillow…her breathing was slow; she looked so peaceful.

_Stop, James_, he told himself. Just because she and Marlene had a fight doesn't mean she's through with Mick. And even if she was, that wouldn't make her automatically his. He had to stop this. He _had _to…

With that thought he turned around and stopped. Sirius was standing at the end of the hallway, watching him.

"Padfoot," said James, "what are you doing?"

His friend shrugged. "Just came up to see what was taking so long." James said nothing, but started back down the staircase. "You really like her, don't you."

"Caught on, have you?"

"Well," Sirius said, following James down the stairs, "I knew you liked her, but…I guess I always just thought it was a crush, like with Sandy Dunston."

"So did I."

"And it's not, then?"

James didn't reply at first. Then he said, "Well, it doesn't even matter. Because I'm through."

"You're through?"

"Yes. I give up. I'm not going to try to -- We're nothing more than friends, and that's all it will ever be."

"But Prongs --"

"She already has bloody McKinnon. She needs a friend, right now. Not another boyfriend. And, well, if I can give her that, then I should be happy."

"James --"

James let himself fall onto the couch. "Enough is enough," he said, unsure if he was still talking to Sirius or himself. "If she's rejected me for this long, there's no reason for her to change her mind now. We're friends, at least, and that should be enough."

Sirius said nothing, just sat on the chair across from James.

"How 'bout a game of chess?" suggested James lightly.

Sirius agreed and the two began a heated game of chess. Playing chess with Sirius was always amusing because he had charmed his set to shout creative insults at whoever he was playing against. Much, James mused, like the Marauder's Map.

"Oi, you four-eyed fiend!" cried his knight. "Maybe if you brushed that despicable mop you call hair out of your eyes, you might be able to see enough to put up at least a _somewhat decent_ fight!"

James promptly ordered his queen to smash the offending piece.

"Oh, you're playing that ghastly game again, are you?" James's mum was standing in the doorway, smiling at the pair of them. James's mum adored Sirius, and had been delighted when he had come to stay for good. Though he had few qualms that she would react any other way with Lily, he felt a little awkward as he prepared himself to explain.

"Hello, mum," said James. "Dad's staying late again?"

His mother nodded rather gravely. His father was rarely home for dinner anymore; he often came in late at night, even morning. But, that's what came with working in Magical Law Enforcement during Voldemort's reign of power. His mother, who had once worked in a greenhouse with magical plants and herbs, had recently taken up a minor job in the Department of International Magic Cooperation. She hated it, James knew, but with all the disappearances and deaths, jobs in the Ministry needed to be filled. She took a small job because she insisted (to both her family and the Ministry), that if they were going to keep her husband that late, it was absolutely necessary that she be home over holidays. She would not allow two teenage boys to be home alone all day long. Especially two teenage boys who could not cook, at all.

"I'm starving, work was positively dreadful today. So, what would you two like for dinner? It's just the three of us again tonight."

"Actually, mum -- er the four of us. We have a guest for the holidays," said James.

"A guest?" His mother looked surprised.

"You remember Lily Evans, er, from this summer?" said Sirius.

His mother's face softened. "That poor dear whose parents were killed," she said.

"Yeah," said James, rather uncomfortably. "Well, she showed up just a little while ago --"

"Is everything okay?" asked his mother, rather worriedly.

"Yes, yes, well, she had a bit of a fall out with her friend she was staying with --"

"Knowing the friend, she probably said some pretty nasty things --"

"And she left the house where she was staying and needed somewhere to go --"

"And she really must have had no where to go, because she rather detests us at school --"

"Well, not so much anymore," said James fairly, "but that's besides the point. She needed somewhere to stay --"

"So we told her it was fine and she could stay here --"

"It is fine, isn't it?"

"Of course!" said his mother. James exhaled in relief. "The more the merrier! I'm caught rather ill prepared -- the house is a disaster -- but that's alright, I hope she won't mind too much. I _do_ have to get it cleaned up for the Christmas Eve party though …"

About a half-hour later his mum had finished making dinner, and James was knocking once more on Lily's door.

"Come in," said a very small voice.

James opened the door. Lily was sitting on the bed, holding her knees up against her chest, her face buried.

"My mum's made some dinner, if you're hungry," he started tentatively. "Lily." James walked over and sat on the edge of the bed. "You okay?"

Lily looked up at him. Her face showed no sign of tears, but it was somber nonetheless. She gave him a rather feeble smile. "I was just thinking," she said.

"A dangerous thing."

She laughed weakly. "Entirely."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

She considered. "Oh, there's not much to talk about it. I was just thinking about …what Marlene said."

James said nothing, but waited for her to continue.

"Have I changed, James? Am I a different person since…since my parents were murdered? Am I really that insufferable? The way she goes on…you'd think she should get paid to put up with me."

"I'm sure Marlene said a lot of things she didn't mean."

"But she did mean them! I've known Marlene for seven years, and she says what she means, no matter what."

"Well, Marlene's a bit of an idiot. Sorry, but it had to be said. You can't seriously tell me you haven't noticed that a little by now?"

Lily gave him a half-smile. "Well, yeah. But she's also my best friend. She knows me better than anyone -- there has to be some truth in what she says."

James thought for a moment. "You're probably right about that. Sure, you've changed some this year. We've all changed. I've changed, Sirius has changed, Marlene, I'm sure, has changed. Change isn't always a bad thing. You've been through something horrific, and that can and does change a person. I don't think Marlene grasps just what you've had to deal with.

"But one thing, Lily. You are not insufferable. You are an amazing person who's fun and has a sense of humor. That's why people love you. That's why Mick loves you, that's why Marlene loves you -- even if she may not act like it all that time -- that's why I love you. I love you how you are, how you have been for as long as I've known you. Of course we've all changed. If I still acted like I did when I first came to Hogwarts, I'd have some major issues."

Lily laughed. "Thank you, James. You've been such an amazing friend to me this year. I honestly don't know what I'd do without you."

"Well, you'd probably shout a lot less."

"Laugh a lot less."

"Curse a lot less."

"Smile a lot less," she said softly. "Thank you, James."

And they made their way down to dinner.

It was only after Lily had met James's mum, spent a surprisingly enjoyable evening with two boys she had once despised, and was lying in bed mulling over a perfectly bizarre day, that Lily realized the importance of what James had said. _That's why I love you._

**A/N** Hey guys, thanks for the reviews so far, you made my day. I'd love to be able to respond to you all individually right now (and I will, later), but I really haven't got the time. I'm leaving for a two-week vacation, which, if I do say so myself, I really really need. I plan to write while I'm there, but there won't be any updates in that time. A thousand apologies, but I know you all have the best intentions for me and realize that some time at the sea will do a lot for my health. wink wink I can't write if I'm terribly ill, can I? Well, yeah, I guess I can, but you guys wouldn't wish that on me. :) 

So, hugs and kiss, see you in two weeks, hopefully with Chapter 13 (ooh, Chapter 13! Something big always happens in Chapter 13!), as a new and revived human being! love, chloe. 

**Vacation Update:** Hey y'all. I've just spent a lovely week at the beach and am now hanging out in the place of my birth (where, sadly, I no longer live), the good old south. 

I jumped online at the first chance to check my mail, and all the reviews positively made my day. I thought I'd leave you all a little message here, letting you know that I have been working on Chapter thirteen all vacation. I've written over ten pages (written notebook pages, so not equivilent to typed pages), and it's definately my favorite chapter I've ever written, I think. I hope you'll enjoy it too, but sadly, I'm not able to type it up here, (considering a few paragraphs are still stuck at home on my dying computer). Oh well, I promise i'll try to get it up ASAP when I get home! Mucho love, Chloe. **Chapter 13 is IN QUEUE, folks! Sorry for the delay, but there you are.**


	13. Chapter 13: Howlers and Howlings

****

A/N: After much delay, folks, I'm pleased to give you: Chapter 13, Howlers and Howling. It's been a while (don't hurt me!), but you get a twelve-paged chapter to make up for it.

****

Disclaimer: All Jo's.

****

Important: HBP is out, and canon has been changed. **I am not altering my fiction to fit HBP.** Any major events that happen in this fiction were planned far before HBP came out. That does not mean there may not be tiny spoilers here and there. The new facts have, of course, infiltrated my mind, and my pop up later. They will be little things, but spoilers nonetheless. I do not advice reading if you haven't finished HBP. Although, really, I don't advice reading any fan fiction if you haven't read HBP. laughs

So, without further ado…I give you…**Chapter 13!**

"Well, said Lily, walking into the Potter's kitchen with an odd sense of accomplishment on her face, "I did it."

"Did what?" asked Sirius, looking up from his porridge.

"Sent a letter to Marlene. Well, the McKinnons, really. Explaining, the -- ah -- situation."

"What did you tell them?" asked James.

"That I was very sorry I had to leave, but something came up, and it was imperative that I left immediately."

"Did you tell them where you came?" said Sirius, looking slightly amused.

Lily smiled grimly. "In a separate letter to Marlene. Though Merlin knows it will hardly stay separate for long. 10 galleons says the first thing she'll do after she reads it -- besides shouting some obscenities at my poor owl, that is -- is go running to Mick, telling him what a backstabbing girlfriend I was." She laughed humorlessly.

"I'm sorry," offered James, unsure whether he was being honest or not. "If there's anything I could do…?"

"Do you do hired work as an undercover hit-wizard?

"I do," said Sirius, grinning at her.

Lily laughed, happier this time. "I wouldn't be surprised," she chortled, sitting down at the table.

The mail arrived a bit later. James and Lily were sitting in the living room: James watching with amusement as Sirius introduced Lily to his pride and Joy.

"Tada!" he cried, removing a large linen sheet from a lumpy mound in the corner of the room.

Lily stared for a moment at the contraption before her, then burst out laughing. "You bought…honestly…a _motorcycle?_" she choked.

"That's what it's called then," commented James idly. "I always forget."

Sirius beamed. "Beautiful, isn't she?"

Lily considered. Beautiful was not the word she would've used. The thing was definitely an older model, and it looked as though it could've been stolen from a Muggle junkyard. On second thought, it probably was.

Despite all this, it had a certain flair that she was quite sure only Sirius Black could pull off. "It suits you," she said finally.

Sirius grinned. "She needs a bit more work, of course, but when I'm done -- just you wait. One fly by and this baby will be collecting girls as if it had an unbreakable summoning charm on it."

Lily attempted to suppress a snort. She failed, dismally.

"Hang on -- did you say _fly?_" Lily asked after a moment, rather suddenly and with a shrewd expression on her face.

Sirius suddenly looked a bit shifty.

"Aren't they supposed to?" asked James, sounding surprised.

"No they are not!" said Lily trying her hardest to hide her amusement. "Isn't it _illegal_ to tamper with Muggle items?"

"Only a little," said Sirius ruefully. "It's not a serious offense, you know. They've got bigger things on their plate."

Sirius was a saved a lecture from Lily by the arrival of the mail.

"Nothing too interesting here," said James lazily. "A letter for dad -- probably something from the ministry; the _Daily Prophet_, and --"

His voice trailed off ominously.

All three stared at the red envelope in his hand. A Howler.

"It's --ah -- for you," said James awkwardly, handing the now-smoking envelope to Lily.

"No less than I expected," Lily sighed. "Faster, maybe, but no less. She does like a show, doesn't she?"

"You'd better open it," advised Sirius, looking at the envelope with distaste. It was starting to hiss.

"I look forward to it." But she didn't look like she looked forward to it at all. In fact, she looked as though she'd rather do just about anything else. Scrubbing the hospital chamber pots without magic included.

"Right, anyone sleeping upstairs?"

"Nah, we're the only ones here."

Lily sighed deeply and ripped open the envelope. Marlene McKinnon's voice instantly filled the room.

"LILY EVANS, YOU DISGUST ME!" it shrieked. "YOU THINK YOU'RE AWFULLY CLEVER, DON'T YOU? OH, I'M SURE YOU STAGED THAT WHOLE THING JUST SO YOU COULD GO FLOOING INTO POTTER'S BIG, SAFE ARMS! DID HE HAVE A PLATE SET FOR YOU AT THE TABLE? WAS HE EXPECTING YOU?"

_Oh no. _This was to be worse than Lily had anticipated.

"I'LL GIVE YOU ONE THING, THOUGH. YOU'RE A DAMNED GOOD ACTRESS! '_Oh, I went to a Prefects meeting, I must be shagging Potter in secret and cheating on your brother!'_" the Howler cried, in perfect imitation of Lily's sarcastic tones. "I ALMOST BELIEVED YOU! I ALMOST FELT BAD UNTIL I GOT YOUR LETTER, YOU FOUL, DISGUSTING, FILTHY, SLIMY, EVIL, LOATHSOME --" Here the howler paused, apparently unable to think of any more insulting adjectives, but then it shrieked shrilly, "MUDBLOOD!"

The three watched the letter burn in silence, the last word ringing in their ears.

Lily was shocked. She had expected something like the Howler, she could deal with that, but for her best friend to call her a -- a -- well, that was just more than she was prepared to bear.

It was Sirius who broke the silence. "Marlene is a foul --" He then proceeded to call her something that normally would've made Lily jump and dock points. Instead, she just stared numbly at the ash where the Howler had exploded moments before.

"You didn't tell me that the fight was -- well, included, er, me," said James.

"Yeah. Well, you came up," said Lily, refusing to meet his eyes. She avoided his gaze for a full minute until --

"Well, this has been sufficiently awkward," said Sirius brightly, vanishing the ash with his wand. "So, how 'bout that hit-wizard, Lily? I work for low wages, you know."

They all laughed. Sirius had broken the tension almost instantly. Lily could've kissed him. Well, almost.

"You better watch out, Black, because at the rate this is going, I might very well take you up on that offer."

Sirius grinned.

"Anything interesting in the _Daily Prophet_?" asked Lily, keen to change the subject. Maybe if she just acted like the whole thing was a joke, unworthy of her thoughts, the others would just forget it…

"Nobody we know," replied James, frowning at the Prophet. He knew -- though her question hadn't been specific -- exactly what she had meant.

"A few more unexplained disappearances," continued James, his frown more pronounced. "But I reckon if they're not dead a few will show up later as new Death Eaters, pledging their loyalty to Darkness."

Meaning, they, like so many unidentified others, had been Imperiused, blackmailed, or cursed.

James glared at the Prophet a bit more before passing it to Sirius. Sirius didn't even glance at the front page, but simply flipped to the back, ripped out the crossword section, and chucked it back.

"Nine letter word for 'Living Shroud?'" he asked, but was interrupted by Mrs. Potter bursting through the front door, looking flustered.

'They made me stay late _again_!" she said angrily, taking her coat off and stuffing it in a closet. The closet burped. "Making me do ridiculous things that aren't even remotely related to my department or -- or you-know-who."

Mrs. Potter was now in the kitchen, but, though faded, they could still hear her voice clearly. "And they _know_ I only have today and tomorrow to get read for the party!"

"Party?" asked Lily, slightly surprised.

"The Annual Christmas Eve Party," said James, without much enthusiasm. "We have it every year."

It seemed absurd and yet extraordinary to Lily that something so normal as a Christmas Party could have Mrs. Potter in such a frenzy. And with her amazement came the uncomfortable but ever-familiar feeling of intrusion.

James seemed to notice this, because he said, "It's not that fun, for me, anyway. It's mostly a bunch of my mum and dad's friends, and I spend most of the time answering questions like, 'You're Warty Shilbert's kid, aren't you?' or 'You've got your mum's ears, where is dear old Bea, anyway?'"

Lily laughed.

"I came the last two years," contributed Sirius. "After my parents had finally given up on me, and let me 'stay at Hogwarts' for Christmas."

"We're usually the only two underage wizards there --"

"Except that we're not underage anymore --"

"Well, yeah --"

"Oh, and there was fifth year," said Sirius with a smirk. "Ronda Swiss-something, wasn't it?"

James groaned. "My mum's friend brought her niece -- she's a year below us, I think. Anyway, I guess my mum mentioned that I wasn't -- ah -- dating anyone, and her friend decided it would be a good idea to try and set me up with her niece. It was _dreadful._"

"And then she kept coming up to you at school --"

"Yeah, well, to put it simply, the parties have never been the best times in my life. But this one should be better," James added, "with you and Sirius here."

A few minutes later James's mum reentered the room, ready to scrub every room until it shone like a gnome's behind. She was running around the house, cleaning every thing her eyes fell upon with her wand, and throwing others randomly into the rubbish bin. James already had had to retrieve his favorite pair of socks, a few nice quills, and his _Which Broomstick?_ catalogue.

"She does this every year," James explained to a somewhat bemused Lily, who was watching a vase clean itself. James was sitting on the couch, and lazily flicking his wand every once in a while to reclaim something that had recently hurled itself into the rubbish bin. "She's a right slob most of the year, but then the day before Christmas Eve, my mum goes mad cleaning and decorating.

"James," said an exasperated Mrs. Potter, "_Won't_ you _at least _gather your junk and take it up to your room? Oh not _you_, dear," his mum added as Lily stood up.

"I'd like to help," said Lily brightly. "I learned a variety of household spells as soon as I could use magic out of school, to help around at home. I finished my chores about an hour fast than my sister -- she hated me for it." James's mum laughed appreciatively, and Lily laughed to, but only James knew that she was being entirely serious.

"And," Lily added, "if all else fails, I grew up in a Muggle household with a mother who couldn't sleep if there was one spec of dust on the mantle. I know all the good old-fashioned methods."

"Well, if you're sure…" Lily winked at James as she followed his mum, who was beaming, out of the room.

"You'd better watch out," said Sirius. "The way this is going, your mum is going to disown both of us and adopt Lily."

James laughed.

Lily helped Mrs. Potter clean the house for most of the afternoon. They worked in silence, mostly, Mrs. Potter humming happily (and much more calmly).

"My goodness," said Mrs. Potter, glancing at a nearby clock. "I hadn't realized how late it had gotten. How horrible of me to keep a guest _cleaning_ all day!

Lily laughed. "Really, it's no problem." And it wasn't. Lily quite liked James's mum, and being in her amicable presence, especially (and rather ironically) cleaning, almost made her feel as if she had her own mother back.

"You're sweet," said Mrs. Potter smiling. "Would you like something drink, dear? A gilly water, tea, pumpkin juice? I think I might actually have some lemonade in here too…"

"A lemonade would be wonderful," said Lily.

Mrs. Potter looked pleased and poured a glass for Lily and one for herself.

"So, said Mrs. Potter, as the two took a sea t at the kitchen table, "tell me about yourself." She suddenly had a rather mischievous glint in her eye, not unlike the one her son so often donned. "Not that I don't already know a bit…"

Lily coughed on the mouthful of lemonade she was swallowing. She was not entirely surprised -- after all, for four years her son and Lily had been sworn enemies, and for the last two years James had declared Lily fair game for dating, and Lily had quite loudly declared she thought James was nothing more than the smallest bit of scum on the most mundane toadstool. Nonetheless, the thought of what James Potter said about her out of Hogwarts was enough to make anyone choke on their lemonade. "What?"

Mrs. Potter looked amused. "Oh, a little this, a little that." Lily fixed her with a steely gaze, trying her hardest to ward off the red flush that was creeping into her cheeks. Mrs. Potter relented, laughing. "I can see why James is so taken with you. No boy can walk away from that sort of challenge."

The flush won, and Lily felt her cheeks grow hot. "Sorry?"

Mrs. Potter laughed again. "If you just go out with a boy and let him think he's won, he'll leave you alone."

Lily looked at her, aghast. "But I could _never_ do that! Then he'd go around boasting to everyone --" Lily had almost forgotten this was James Potter's mother she was talking to. "Well, I just could never do that."

"I know," Mrs. Potter smiled. "I can tell. But I hate to tell you, dear, that that is exactly why boys, like my dear son --" she laughed, "-- won't leave you alone. You're a challenge."

"Hmpf," said Lily.

"So, anyway, do tell me about yourself. I'm very interested." Her eyes twinkled with amusement.

"You tell me what you know, and I'll fill in the blanks."

"Oho!' Mrs. Potter laughed heartily. "Clever one, aren't you? Very well then…let's see…I know that you're top in your class at charms, you were a prefects and now Head Girl, you've given James at least three (well-deserved, I'm sure) detentions, you hexed Sirius once so badly that he had to spend the night in the hospital wing --" Mrs. Potter could not conceal her smirk. "You don't think much of Quidditch -- something James can not understand, I tell you -- And I know that for two years you quite colorfully rejected him."

Lily would've thought James's mum might've been rather indignant that Lily had openly and loudly rejected her son, but Mrs. Potter was not; in fact, she looked positively gleeful.

"Well," said Lily sure that her face was a color to rival her hair. "I don't have much to fill in then, do I?"

"Of course you do," said Mrs. Potter. "I want to know all about the girl my son had been talking about for six years. And feel free to be as nasty as you like about dear James. I do love him, but I've also known him his whole life, so I'm not entirely oblivious to what he's like at school."

Lily was slightly taken aback. "Well, I mean -- he isn't --" she stuttered, unsure of herself.

"I've made you uncomfortable enough for one day, haven't I?" Mrs. Potter smiled. But there was something different about her smile. This one was not so amused, but understanding, as if she knew exactly what Lily was thinking, even if Lily herself did not.

The day of Christmas Eve came far too soon, and Mrs. Potter was once again running around the house, this time decorating, and every so often running into the kitchen preparing food.

James, Sirius and Lily had all been assigned decorating tasks, and James and Lily, who had both finished theirs and were now enjoying a butterbeer in the living room, were helping Sirius with his.

"Why does it matter?" said Sirius sourly, staring at a list of Christmas music. "Christmas music is Christmas music. If people want to dance, they'll dance.

"Just humor her," said James uninterestedly, returning his gaze to _Chasing the Cup: A Chaser's Complete Guide to Quidditch._

Lily peered over Sirius's shoulder at the list.

"Well, I'd cross off 'A Hag's Holiday.' That hardly sounds pleasant." Sirius obliged. "You know, you should have some Muggle music on there," said Lily brightly. "Some of it's really good."

"Where am I to get any?" asked Sirius, raising his eyebrows.

"I've got some records somewhere --"

"We haven't got a record player."

"Oh," said Lily, looking slightly put out.

"You could serenade us," offered Sirius, smirking at her.

"Right," snorted Lily. "I sing about as well as I snog," she said, poking fun at Sirius's idea that Lily was a complete prude.

"Pretty well then," said James unexpectedly.

Both Lily and Sirius snapped their heads in his direction. "_What?_"

James looked up from his book at the two faces staring at him. Sirius's was shocked, curious, and even a little bit excited. Lily's eyes were wide, almost pleading. "Don't tell him," she thought furiously. Though, come to think of it, she didn't even know if he already had.

James seemed to have only just realized what he had said. "I wasn't -- I mean, I only meant -- joke," he said weakly.

Lily breathed freely again. She didn't know why it mattered so much, but it did.

Sirius was glaring at both of them, scrutinizing their faces. He didn't look like he believed James at all, but to Lily's relief, he dropped it.

"This will have to do," Sirius muttered, grabbing the list and heading out of the door to give it to Mrs. Potter.

Lily and James sat on the sofa in an awkward silence. Lily opened her mouth to say something, but James mouthed "No," and gave a very small jerk of the head towards the door. Lily flicked her eyes over and saw Sirius peering around the corner, apparently trying to tell if they really had…well, snogged.

Those two knew each other way too well.

Lily sighed and rolled her eyes. James mouthed, "Sorry." Lily just shrugged.

"So, ah, is this a formal party?"

"Oh, I completely forgot. Well, yeah, it kind of is, but don't worry about it, if you didn't bring anything."

"I -- I have something, I think," said Lily, amazed at her luck. Any other time she wouldn't have even considered bringing her dress robes…

"Oh, all right then," said James.

Only a few hours later, the house was completely decorated (and beautifully so), and James's mother was hurrying around putting the finishing touches on everything.

"I wonder when your father will get home," she said nervously, every time she passed James.

Lily had disappeared a bit ago to change into her dress robes, and Sirius and James had thrown theirs on, simply to stop James's mum from nagging.

"Wonder why it takes girls so long to change," said Sirius irritably. Mrs. Potter nagged them a lot less when Lily was around.

"Dunno," said James, gazing out the window. It was snowing lightly, something that had pleased his mother very much.

"Perfect weather for a Christmas party!" she had said happily.

It was only about an hour till the party, and James's father still wasn't home. He had said he might be late, but…

"Whoa," said Sirius quietly, looking up at the stairs.

James turned around. Standing at the top of the stairs and making her way down slowly was Lily Evans -- but then, it wasn't. She looked different. James had always known Lily was pretty -- that and her fiery personality was why he had pursued her in fifth year. But here, now, she looked…beautiful.

Her dress was cream-colored, with a green sash accentuating her waist (as James was quick to notice). The dress hung off her shoulders rather elegantly, and her dark red hair fell in loose curls onto her petite figure. A green ribbon was in her hair, of the same hue as the sash. She was, well, _stunning_. A quick glance at Sirius showed he agreed.

"Hi," said Lily brightly as she reached the bottom of the stairs. She seemed unaware of the effect she had just had on the two boys.

"You look great," said Sirius.

_Damn him,_ thought James. _That's what I was going to say_. Unable to think of anything, James simply nodded.

"Oh, thanks," said Lily. James couldn't help but notice that she blushed slightly as she looked at him.

"Oh, don't you look _lovely!_" cried James mum, clasping her hands together. "Still no word from your father, James, but I'm sure he'll show up soon…"

The guests began to arrive not long after. James knew his mum had been worried that few people would show up, due to all the terror from Voldemort, but it seemed people need some fun in their lives. There were even a few from Hogwarts James recognized.

"I hope you don't mind terribly, Bea," one of his mother's friends from work had said. "But I didn't want to leave Ellie home in times like these…"

"Of course not, of course not!" James's mum had said jovially. "The more the merrier!" This turned out to be a good thing, as Ellie had brought some of her friends.

The house quickly filled up, and James was forced to go through the whole process of welcoming guests and pretending to enjoy talking to old witches and wizards he didn't know.

"I knew your mother since she was this tall!" an old wizard in periwinkle robes had told him. "I bet you never knew that old Beatrice once…" and on came the stories.

The wizard had cornered him by the refreshments table, which, actually, was rather convenient. James poured two glasses of punch and said, "Yes, if you'll excuse me…" He nodded at Lily, who was just visible across the room.

The old wizard's eyes twinkled. "Oh, yes, of course. She's a lovely lady and a lucky gal!" The wizard winked.

"Er, right," said James uncomfortably, making his way through the crowd.

Lily, it seemed, was having the same troubles as James. A very tall witch in a glittering ruby shawl was talking to her in a very grandiose manner. "Tell Lord Wickerboot --"

"I'm sorry, I don't know a Lord Wickerboot," Lily replied, looking amused.

"_Tell_ Lord Wickerboot that I _approve_ of his island."

"Alright," nodded Lily, looking as though she was trying very hard not to laugh. "I'll do that." And the witch stalked off.

She spotted James and waved.

He grinned. "Having fun?"

Lily burst out laughing. "I'm sorry, I've been dying to do that for ten minutes. That witch over there --" she nodded at the tall witch, "Lady Venderbrook, I think it was…what a character! Is she…?"

"A bit mad? Yes," replied James with a laugh. He remembered the punch in his hand. "Here," he said, handing her the drink.

"Oh…um, thanks, but I just got one with you a few minutes ago."

"Yes, well, I needed an excuse to get away from that bloke over there."

Lily laughed. "Well, thank you, my dear Sir James, and if you had an island, I'd approve of it, but --"

"Having a good time, you two?" Mrs. Potter came by and smiled at them distractedly. Before they could answer, she said, "James, you haven't seen your father yet, have you?"

James shook his head, but his mother had already moved on to other guests.

"Yes, yes, Frank, I'm sure he's just had to work late," his mum told the wizard who had clearly asked where Mr. Potter was.

"Ah, yes, well, wonderful party, Beatrice…"

James frowned. It was not like his father to be this late, especially for something as important to his mum as this.

"I'm sure he's just working late," said Lily softly, apparently understanding his thoughts. "There's so much going on, now, isn't there?"

"Yeah, you're right," muttered James. "Oh, no…" His gaze landed on a group of girls, who were eying him hopefully. Among them he recognized Ellie, the girl who had brought several of her friends. Several, he decided, was an understatement. And worst of all, among them he recognized…

"Ronda?" asked Lily with a slight smirk.

"Another drink?" asked James weakly.

"No, I'm good to go," replied a very amused Lily.

James slipped away as Ronda began to make her way over. He heard Lily saying, "I'm so sorry, Ronda, I just don't know where he went."

"Hi, James."

James blinked. He had no idea where they had come from, but suddenly James found himself surrounded by smiling girls. How many friends had Ellie brought?

"James!" Speak of the devil. Here came Ellie now.

"Er, hi."

"Hi. I was just so excited when my auntie said she was going to your party, I mean, James Potter's party! I've been just so excited. Oh, this is such a good song, you know my brother saw them in concert --" She said this all very fast.

"Er, right." "James!" _Not another one!_ he thought desperately. But it wasn't; it was Lily.

"Hi, James," she said, imitating the girls around him and batting her eyelids.

James was confused. "What --?" But Lily winked at him, so he shut up.

"Want a drink, James?" she asked, ignoring Ellie, who was glaring daggers at her. "Oh, you've already got one, well have another, they're_ so_ good." She thrust the untouched punch that he had just recently given her into his hand.

"Are you two --" began Ellie, but Lily interrupted her.

"This is _such _a good song, isn't it? I just love it," she wrapped her arm around his. Ellie's eyes widened, and she looked furious. "Can I help you?" Lily asked her dismissively.

Ellie opened her mouth, changed her mind, and stalked off, her friends following her. They instantly formed a group to discuss this new bit of gossip.

"Thanks," said James, looking at the now-laughing Lily with great respect.

Lily was laughing too hard to respond, but after a minute she calmed down and said, "You did look a little desperate. Oh, that was _so _much fun. Did you see the look on her face?" And she was off laughing again.

"You do realize that you've given one of the biggest gossip spreaders in the school the biggest story since -- since I don't know when!"

Lily shrugged. "It's not like Marlene won't be telling the whole school and their aunts that I had a shag-fest with you all break." She rolled her eyes. "It'll give them something to talk about. Call it my good deed of the day."

Just then, Sirius showed up. "Hey, James, know the name of that girl over there?" He motioned to a girl across the room with silvery-blond hair.

"Hattie something, I think," said James.

"I thought you were going out with Hazel Marchfox?" said Lily, eying him rather suspiciously.

"Nah, we broke up ages ago. She's a cat person, anyway."

Lily looked as though she was going to ask why that mattered, but thought better of it.

"Thirsty are you?" asked Sirius, looking at James's full hands.

"Dying," laughed James. "Here, have one, I haven't touched either."

As the conversation turned to more mundane things that only boys talk about (like the history and availability of the blond across the room), Lily turned around and watched the cleared out where a few older couples were dancing.

"She's out of Hogwarts, I think," said James, sounding bored.

"Yeah, but only a year or so, by the looks of her, wouldn't you say?"

"Sure."

The song Ellie had been raving about was drawing to an end. Lily turned around, quite suddenly. "Dance with me," she said. It was her voice, but it was though someone else had said it.

"S-sorry?" James asked, spluttering on his punch.

"Dance with me."

"I think Lily's had a few too many punches," said Sirius, raising his eyebrows.

"Oh, shut it, I've hardly had one. I just think it would be fun. Please?"

James was still too surprised to respond.

"Fine, if you won't, then Sirius will," she declared, turning to Sirius.

"Sorry, Lily, you're on your own with this one," said Sirius, downing the punch and heading over the silvery-blond witch.

"Oh, come on James," said Lily exasperatedly.

"I - I don't dance."

"Sure you do. You dance as well as you snog," she said slyly, taking his hand and dragging him towards the dancing people.

"You can't tell me you have a Christmas party every year and a mum like yours and have never been taught to dance?"

"Well, yeah," said James grudgingly. He _had _had to learn to dance years ago, and it was an experience he'd like to forget.

Lily smiled. "I knew it. Just pretend I'm whoever taught you to dance."

_Hardly_, James thought. If he were to dance with anyone, it would be Lily Evans. But still -- he had to agree with Sirius. He would be giving Lily no more drinks for the rest of the night.

A new song started just as they reached the dance floor. It was jarringly different from the other upbeat songs. It was a slow, wordless tune, a haunting melody.

With a sort of shiver down his spine, James put one hand on her waist and grasped her right hand with the other.

Slowly they moved, or rather, floated. Step one, two, three -- Lily twirled around and put her arms around his neck. They danced for Merlin-Knows-How-Long, but James soon found himself getting lost in the music…Lily's dark red curls were bouncing off her shoulders, her body moving with his.

Her eyes were closed, and James could tell she was as caught up in the moment as he was, not thinking, merely moving where James's hands told her to.

James had only actually danced with one other girl besides Lily, and that was Ronda Swisshond. His mother had made him, out of courtesy. It was nothing like this. With Ronda, motion was harsh and jerky, forced. With Lily, he was in a dreamlike state, and he thought he might go so far as to say he was enjoying himself.

His attention was so focused upon the music, upon Lily, that he hardly noticed Ellie and her friends staring at him. Nor did he hear one of his mum's friends say to her neighbor, "Look at those two. That's Bea's son, you know."

"Lovely," the other had replied. "Young love -- it's such a beautiful light in all this darkness…"

They danced on.

It was only when the song ended that they slowed at last. Lily opened her eyes, taking James by surprise. Whenever he would get caught staring into those glistening emeralds …something would come over him. But as he gazed into her eyes, James remembered something.

_"I'm through."_

"You're…through?"

"Yes. Lily needs a friend, now, not another boyfriend. If she's rejected me this long, there's no reason for it to change now. I'm done. I give up…"

He turned away rather suddenly.

"Thank you for dancing with me, James."

"You're welcome," he said. "I'm hungry, are you? I think I'll go get something to eat. Want anything?" The voice that spoke was not his own.

"N-no, I'm okay, thanks," said Lily.

"Right." And James left her, standing in the center of several dancing couples, looking rather disappointed.

"James."

"James looked up to see Sirius standing in front of him. "Hello."

"What was that?" asked Sirius rather heatedly, motioning at Lily, who was now walking slowly away from the dancing people, not looking nearly as happy as she had earlier.

"Sorry?" said James.

"You know exactly what I mean. You! And Lily! Weren't you paying any attention? You just danced romantically around the room with Lily Evans -- _Lily Evans,_ James! -- and she was obviously wanting you to kiss her, or _something!_"

"Didn't I tell you I've given up?" said James irritably.

"Why?" roared Sirius. "Merlin, James, you've like this girl since fifth year --"

"Fourth," muttered James.

"Exactly! Why, now that Lily is obviously interested, would you walk away?"

James didn't respond. He -- He loved her. He knew it now, after so many years. He knew she was the one -- the _only_ one -- he would ever want to be with, but…

"You're scared," said Sirius, glaring at him.

"I'm not _scared_!" What would I be scared of?"

"I don't know! Something -- something you're not telling me."

"What?"

"James, you've already almost lost her once -- you know what I mean," growled Sirius, for James showed every sign of interrupting. "To Voldemort," he hissed. "You've almost lost her once -- it could happen again. It _will _happen again!"

James stared at him.

Sirius lowered his voice to a whisper. "Voldemort didn't attack Lily Evans for fun. He wouldn't have sent Death Eaters and himself to attack a seventeen-year-old girl. Not unless it was something really important…you know something. You know what's going on, I know you do."

James couldn't meet his eyes. "I don't know what's going on. I know something's going on, but I don't know what."

Lily Evans stood outside the Potter residence, shivering slightly as the snow fell on her bare shoulders.

She had missed her chance, she knew it.

Her shoes would be ruined. She glanced down at her emerald slippers only to realize she didn't care.

He didn't like her anymore, of course. He'd moved on, like any normal person would.

It was too cold out here, and her hair was getting wet, but she didn't care. The snow was comforting.

Foolish, foolish girl.

She could hear the music coming from inside. She hated it. She hated the song, she hated dancing, she hated this stupid party, but most of all, she hated --

However, her mutinous thoughts of hate were distracted by the sight of a tawny owl coming towards her through the snowy night.

It went for the windows, tapping its beak against each in turn, but they were all closed and no one could hear over the music. She went over to the owl, which looked slightly ruffled. It stuck its right leg out to her and she removed the letter. She had planned on taking it right to Mrs. Potter, but something caught her eye. It was from the Minister of Magic.

Cursing curiosity, she slowly opened the letter.

She wished she hadn't.

I don't know what's going on, Sirius," James repeated dully. He was considering saying something about the night he overheard Dumbledore and McGonagall, when he saw Lily coming towards him.

She looked very upset, and as she moved closer, he was startled to see that she had tears in her eyes. Had he upset her that much?

She stopped when she reached him. She didn't say anything at first, but then she emitted one wavering syllable: "James…"

"Lily, I didn't mean to --" he started, surprised by how upset she was.

"No," she said shaking her head. "James…" She handed him the letter.

He unfolded it and read it, very slowly. Then, still staring coldly at the letter, he walked over to his mother, who was chatting idly with a co-worker.

He handed her the letter.

Her howl pierced the night like a very sharp knife.

**Author Notes:**

I just started school a day ago: My Junior year, one of the most important years of my high school career. scowls I will have even less time to write (Don't hurt me!) because of the amount of work and stress that will be placed on me this year. That being said, I've started the next chapter, and hope to have it up soon! (Though I won't give an aproximate time, because I learned with last chapter that things come up and dilemmas (like the computer not working, MNFF not accepting submissions, me making stupid mistakes...) WILL work against you as much as possible. laughs 

Well, was it worth the wait? 

**Edit 9/9/05:** Thank you all for your reviews, you make my day! Know that I will try and respond to everyone, but it will take me a bit of time, and I'm sure you'd rather me spend that writing...wink Anyways, I do read EVERY review, and I'm so thankful for every one...so...where am I going with this? ...Oh, right. Well, thanks. :) 

**Edit 9-27-05:** You all hate me right now, I'm sure, and thus it is my unhappy duty to inform you that I have had little to no time to work on Chapter 14. I'm so sorry, but this school year has proven to be twice as brutal as anticipated, so far, and I have little to zero time. Now I'm preparing for the PSATS and crap (admire my eloquence), and I just can't find the time. Next weekend I have time to myself, however, you can expect that I'm sitting at this very computer, typing away! 


	14. Chapter 13 ½: An Unwelcome Query

**Disclaimer: **All characters are Jo's, of course. I'm just pulling the puppet strings a bit.

"Thank you, yes, it's very sad. Thank you. No, I'm sorry, Mrs. Potter is not accepting visitors right now. You're very kind. Yes. Thank you. You have a happy Christmas too."

James Potter stood in the dining room by the fireplace, dully responding to various Floos and well-wishers.

"No, I'm very sorry, but Mrs. Potter will _not _be accepting visitors today. Yes, Thank you --"

After about a half-hour of this, James simply propped a sign up against a chair in front of the fireplace reading: "Mrs. Potter will not be accepting visitors today. Thank you for your concern."

He left the kitchen, a disgruntled 'pop!' coming from the fireplace occasionally. He meandered towards the living room, where Sirius and Lily were sitting, Lily staring at her hands, and Sirius staring out the window. He stopped at the doorway and watched them. Both seemed oblivious to his presence.

He reached into his pocket and pulled out a crumpled piece of paper, an almost automatic action that he had performed so many times today. Smoothing it out with his hand, he leaned against the doorway and read it, for the thousandth time.

_To Mrs. Beatrice Potter and family, _

It is with the deepest remorse that I inform you that Mr. Edward Potter has been killed on duty on December 24th, 1979. We believe there was Death Eater involvement.

My thoughts are with you during this difficult time.

Yours,

Millicent Bagnold

Minister of MagicSure her thoughts were with them. Funny how the hardest news of his life could be held in a three-sentence letter.

"James?" said a hesitant voice. James looked up to see Lily watching him. He stuffed the letter back into his pocket and left the room. He didn't want company…not right now.

_Merry Christmas_, he thought bitterly.

He climbed the stares to his room, pausing only to gaze half-heartedly at his mother's closed door. This would take its toll on her, he knew it. It wasn't that his mother wasn't a strong person -- she was. But this seemed to be almost more than she could bear.

James lay on his bed and stared at the bare ceiling. A part of him had expected it, of course. His father had a high-standing post at the Ministry, and he vocally opposed Lord Voldemort. It was not shocking that Mr. Potter would be on the Dark Lord's list.

And yet, in some dark corner of his mind, James had always hoped, thought that _maybe_…His father was a pureblood. He had married a respectable pureblood wife, and fathered a pureblood son. It disgusted James that this had even crossed his mind, but he had to be honest to himself. Voldemort had, whether directly or no, killed his father, but what of all the others, who had suffered just as he was? What of Lily?

Did he think his parents more…_worthy_ of living than Lily's? He sat up, disgusted. No! Of course he didn't. He was just upset. That was all. But one question still remained. _Why his father?_ Sinking yet deeper into his mind, he rubbed the temples of his forehead, thinking hard. He vaguely recognized the sound of a tap on a door.

Why his father? Was he just in the wrong place in the wrong time? Mr. Potter wasn't an Auror; he didn't track down Dark Wizards, simply fought against them when they attacked the innocent. There had to have been an attack, then, but why hadn't they heard of one? Surely, if there had been a Death Eater attack on Christmas Eve, it would be in the Daily Prophet. But it had to have been an attack, or else…

_Or else the Death Eater's had targeted him, _James finished the thought. But why? He had just worked himself in a circle. Why his father? He searched his mind for anything his father might have said that could have foretold this.

He could come up with nothing. It was all so random, so…

_It couldn't be_.

The thought had invaded his head before he could do anything about it._ No_, he told himself fervently. It wasn't possible…_not Lily. _

And yet, Voldemort himself had attacked Lily…that certainly wasn't normal. His father was pureblood, even if he was opposed to Voldemort. In a certain part of himself that he hated, James had always felt relatively safe, protected by his blood status. There hadn't been threats against his family until…

_Until Lily._

The logical part of his brain told him that was ridiculous. It couldn't possibly have anything to do with her, but all the same…

There was a knock on the door again.

He had to talk to her. She might know something. He didn't know what had happened before he had showed up at her house that night, he had never asked…

He stood up and swung the door open.

He was met in surprise by a rather nervous looking Lily. "James, look, you can't just…trust me, I know, but…" she started, but James cut her off.

"Lily, I need to ask you something."

"Oh-okay," she said.

James took a breath. Was it fair of him to ask her this? To bring it up after such a long period of silence? But he had to know…

"What do you know…about Voldemort? About why he attacked you?"

Lily's immediate reaction was surprise, as if this was not at all what she had expected. "W-_what_?"

"Voldemort. Why he attacked you," James repeated.

"Why…what are you…I don't know any more than you do!" she stammered.

"Nothing?" James pressed, "Voldemort hadn't said anything to you…?"

Lily was starting to become a little angry. "You saw what happened! Voldemort didn't …didn't find me until you showed up! Why are you so interested all of the sudden, anyway?"

"But before!" James continued, hardly hearing himself. A sort of fervor had overtaken him. "You had to have seen Voldemort before, even if he hadn't seen you! What did he say? Surely he didn't just walk in in silence!"

Lily stared at him for a moment like she had never seen him before. She opened her mouth, closed it again, and then said, "I can hardly even remember…"

"Oh come on," said James irritably. "You don't just forget a thing like that…"

"You think I don't know that!" shouted Lily furiously. "I'm thinking, if you'd just _shut up_ for a moment!" She was silent for a moment. James watched her with intent anticipation. "Agh! I don't know! What am I supposed to be remembering? The part where he ordered the Death Eaters to kill my parents, or the part about leaving the filthy Mudblood to him? He didn't say 'Oh, and by the way, I'm going after the Head Boy's family next,' if that's what you mean!"

James froze, then took a deep breath. Lily, who was watching him closely, nodded slightly. "That's what this is about, isn't it," she said quietly, her eyes never leaving his.

James said nothing.

"You think there's some connection, don't you? Between me, and…this, don't you?"

"I just thought, maybe because you came…"

"Because I came here! It's _my_ fault! No, of course! It all makes perfect sense! It's the Mudblood's fault! Don't get to close, knowing one will kill you, won't it!"

"Lily, don't be ridiculous, I never said…"

"But that doesn't mean you didn't think it!" Lily yelled. "I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. I mean, if Marlene thinks so, I don't know why I thought you'd be any different --"

"Don't you go comparing me with Marlene!" shouted James, angrily. "I never even said…you're putting words in my mouth!"

"Am I, though? Or am I simply voicing what you can't? I should never have come here, I should never have left…I'm so stupid, stupid,_ stupid!_"

"Lily, listen to me!"

"Er --"

Lily and James turned around simultaneously to see Sirius Black standing uncomfortably on the landing behind them. They looked at him, both with rather fierce expressions on their faces, waiting for him to say something.

"Er," he said, "I just came up to…to see if Lily had any luck."

"Any luck?" asked James, raising his eyebrows slightly.

"Yes," said Lily, turning her glare back to him. "And don't look so accusing, I just came up here to tell you that hiding in your bloody room won't do any good. I should know, shouldn't I! But," she added, her voice rising dangerously, "now that I know that it wasn't your dad you were thinking about, I shouldn't have bothered!"

Sirius looked bewildered. "What? What's going on?" he asked, glancing uneasily between the two of them, who were glaring at each other once more. "James? Lily?"

"Careful, Black!" Lily cried shrilly. "Don't get too close! One step closer and some Death Eaters might pop through that window and kill you!"

"Oh for Merlin's sake, Lily, stop being so --" James interjected.

"Stop being so what, James? I'll tell you what, I'll do you both a favor…" and with that, she promptly turned around and stomped back to her room.

"What was --" Sirius began, but James turned around and slammed the door angrily.

The next few days were nothing short of painful, what with James avoiding Lily, and Lily leaving the room if either Sirius or James walked in. Needless to say, it came as quite a relief when the Christmas Holiday came to an end.

**Author's Note: **I know, this chapter was ungodly short. However, I knew it would be a while until I was able to finish the envisioned chapter 14, so I decided to put up this little taster for now. Think of it as Chapter 13 ½. I hope you enjoyed this tidbit, and more is yet to come:)


	15. Chapter 14 Time to Waste

****

Disclaimer: Everything belongs to JKR.

****

Author's Note: Hello! Chapter 14 here for you is finally here… I hope you like this chapter, because I sure do!

****

Chapter 14: Time to Waste.

Lily climbed the staircase towards the dorms with mounting dread. She didn't want to be back here. But then, she didn't want to be anywhere else.

_Where do you want to be, Lily?_ she asked herself mockingly. _Nowhere?_

Scowling, she entered the dorms and made to unpack. That was, until she caught sight of somebody she had no desire to see sitting on the bed next to hers, reading a magazine.

Marlene McKinnon.

Lily decided the best plan of action would be to ignore her. So, with newfound determination not to show any emotion, Lily began to unpack.

It took Marlene about a minute to notice her. Lily was folding some socks when Marlene finally spoke. "So," she said slowly, putting down her magazine. "Have fun with _James_?"

Lily ignored her as she smoothed out the wrinkles in one of her blouses.

"You wouldn't believe the things people are saying, Lily. Apparently, Potter had some big party. A lovely to-do, I heard."

Lily said nothing, but continued unpacking. Reaching inside her suitcase, her hands felt something silky. She pulled the material out slowly and carefully. It was her dress robes.

As if someone had hurled them at her, memories flashed before her eyes: Dancing people; herself, laughing as she hadn't laughed all year; and James…James, looking slightly helpless with two glasses of punch…James, grinning at a laughing Lily as a gaggle of girls glared ahead…James, his arms around her…dancing…

Lily closed her eyes, bidding herself not to cry.

"How convenient," Marlene said in a low voice, pulling Lily out of her reverie. "I tell you that you won't need dress robes, yet you bring them anyways, and _James_ just happens to have some great big party…How very convenient."

And for the first time since their fallout before Christmas, Lily looked Marlene directly in the eyes. A boiling anger rose inside her. _How dare she…How dare she…_

"Did he snog you senseless?"

"Oh, shut up, Marlene," Lily whispered, her voice shaking slightly.

"Did he? Did he? Did he declare his undying love for you? Did you snog his brains out? Did you have a wonderful, kinky shag?"

"Shut UP, Marlene!"

"Well, did you?"

"If you must know," Lily shouted, standing up and throwing her dress robes onto the floor, where they landed in a heap, "_James_ and I are hardly on speaking terms!" Why was she telling her this? Why, why? Marlene would just taunt her, or say horrible things about James, or…Why wasn't she just hexing her smug, horrible face off and leaving? Was it just that she needed someone to confide in, _anyone_?

A look of satisfaction rested in Marlene's bespectacled eyes. "Is that so?" she said quietly and haughtily. "Well, I hope you don't expect to come crawling back to _me,_ because…"

Lily let out a shriek of rage. "Oh, don't worry Marlene! There is nothing in the _world_ you could do that would make me even consider_ crawling_ back to you! Whatever thoughts I might have had of fixing our 'friendship' were destroyed with that…that…that bloody Howler! Crawl back to you!" Lily was laughing now, a hard, hateful laugh. "I don't even want to see your _face_ right now, but seeing as we have to share a dorm, I thought I might try to be the mature one and just _ignore _you, but no…Marlene McKinnon always has to have the last word! I should've known…"

And with a disgusted look at her former friend, Lily stormed towards the door.

"Lily, don't you dare! Get back here! Don't you dare leave this room…" Lily heard Marlene yelling behind her.

But Lily didn't stop once she got out of the dorms. No, she stormed right through the common room, slightly scaring a group of second years near the fire. And once she left the common room, she stomped her way through the corridors, down the stairs…Where was she going? She didn't even know, until she found herself standing in front of the Head's Lounge.

"_Shrieking Shack,_" she said, her voice breaking. Praying James wouldn't be in there, she entered. He wasn't. Thank Merlin. For a few minutes, Lily simply stared around the room, but then she collapsed onto a chair, her head buried in her hands, and cried.

She cried for Marlene. She cried for her parents. She cried for James. She cried for…

"Lily?"

Startled, Lily jerked her head up. James Potter was standing in the doorway. He didn't say anything else; he just stared at her with that sad look in his eye.

Embarrassed at being caught crying, Lily wiped her eyes with her sleeve. The silence was too much. "What are y-you doing here?" she asked, trying to sound casual. "I hope we didn't schedule a Prefects' meeting tonight?" She tried to laugh, but coughed instead.

"Nah, not for another week," he said, offering her a weak smile.

Lily hiccupped.

"I -- saw you, er, leave the common room."

Lily ventured a smile. "I can't imagine very many people didn't."

"Are you…okay?"

"I'm fine."

"Look -- I wanted to -- to talk to you about what happened."

Lily stood up rather suddenly and turned away, her arms clutched tightly to her stomach.

"Listen," he said, walking towards her, a note of urgency in his voice, "I'm -- I'm _sorry_. I didn't mean…what it sounded like. I was stupid, and…upset. And I -- I was frustrated. You _know_ that I don't think -- that I didn't mean…"

"I know," Lily said quietly.

James looked relieved. "So, you…ah, forgive me?"

"Of course I do. And I'm sorry for losing my temper…again." Without looking him in the eye, Lily walked past him and out the door.

She was about halfway down the corridor when James said, "That's it?" Lily turned around to see him standing outside the Head's Lounge, his shoulders slumped in a desperate sort of way. "That's all?"

Lily smiled at him sadly, a mournful smile. "I'll see you around, James," she said. And she walked away.

The next week went particularly slowly. Every morning, Lily wished for it to be night, and every night, Lily wished for it to be morning.

She found herself being perfectly friendly towards everyone, while on the inside, she was thinking horrible, dreadful things towards them. Her grades escalated, as most of her time was spent in the library, to avoid both Marlene and James.

Whenever either of the aforementioned spoke to her, Lily answered with placid smiles and inscrutable remarks. She was polite and guarded on the outside, and chaos on the inside.

But her careful shield over her emotions was broken when Mick McKinnon confronted her at last. She was leaving charms, one of the few classes she and Mick had together. She had been very careful not to look at him throughout the entire class, but as she quickly exited the classroom as the bell rang, she found herself face to face with her ex-boyfriend. He didn't look angry exactly, but…

"Lily, we need to talk."

Lily was silent for a moment, then said, "Fine." They continued walking down the hallway, in silence for a bit, Mick watching her, and Lily looking determinedly away.

Finally, he said, "Are you and Potter going out?" Lily laughed, because it had been exactly what she had expected. Mick looked slightly offended. "I think it's a fair question," he said.

"Oh yes, certainly -- a fair question. No, we're not _going out_. We've never _been_ going out, and I doubt very much if we ever _will_ go out."

"And yet, you went to his house --"

"As a friend," Lily said indifferently. Mick eyed her suspiciously. "Look," Lily said, "I don't really care if you believe me. But let's get something straight." Lily stopped walking, and glaring up at him, her hands on her hips, said, "Despite what Marlene has told you, I did not, and have not ever, 'shagged Potter.' But don't listen to me, listen to your darling, idiot sister --"

"Don't you call my sister an idiot!" said Mick rather heatedly.

"I'll call your sister whatever I bloody well like!" Lily retorted, her voice rising dangerously. "As she's clearly taken that liberty with me!"

"What are you --"

"_Mudblood_," said Lily through clenched teeth. "She called me a _Mudblood._ So don't _you_ tell me not to --"

__

"She _what_?" said Mick, looking horrified.

"Oh yes," said Lily, regaining her composure. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I'd like to --"

"I'm not done," Mick said quietly.

"Then go on," Lily said, sighing. "This is much more enjoyable than lunch, anyways."

"You're not going out with Potter."

"I thought we had established this?"

"Yes. Then I suppose my question is…Why not?"

"_What_?"

Mick cast her a sideways glance. "You can't tell me you don't have any feelings for him. I've seen you around him. Your face is red and you look very flustered, and…you went to his house for Christmas. You obviously have feelings for him."

"I do not."

"You're wasting time, Lily. I would've thought you'd learned by now that there's not enough time to waste."

"I don't have feelings for him," Lily said, but she was now talking to a vacant spot, for Mick was no longer there. She glanced down the corridor, to see him walking away, shaking his head slightly.

James sat in the Great Hall looking sullen. Really, he looked sullen most of the time. Though to be fair, he had reason to be. His father's death had been announced in the _Daily Prophet_ this morning, and all day he had had people coming up to him (mostly fifth and sixth year girls), offering their condolences. Well, that was all very nice, but their condolences were more a constant reminder of his pain.

He had passed Ellie, the girl from the party, in the hallway this morning. She had been talking to a group of friends, and he had caught a few words as he walked by.

_"Poor _James," she had said. "I just feel so bad. I was there, you know, when they found out. At his _party_. It was just so sad, I wanted to cry. But James knows he can talk to me, of course. If he ever needs a good cry, he knows I'm here…"

James hadn't even attempted to repress a snort.

He sighed, his lunch sitting untouched on his plate. What was it his mother had said to him before he left? "Your father's gone, James. It's your time, now. Your time to make us both proud."

Well a bloody good job he was doing so far.

"Potter." James looked up to see Mick McKinnon standing across from him, frowning. "Can I have a word?"

James considered saying no, just to be spiteful, but thought better of it. Shrugging, he stood up and followed McKinnon away from the prying eyes and ears of the nearby Gryffindors.

"Okay, Potter, I'll be frank. I don't like you."

James opened his mouth to retort, but McKinnon cut him off.

"But I love Lily," McKinnon continued, and James noticed a bit of sadness in his voice. "I really do -- Even if I can only love her as a friend."

"Wh --"

"I want her to be happy. And if -- if _you're _what it takes to make her happy, then so be it."

"Lily and I aren't --"

"Yeah, yeah. So I've heard," Mick said bitterly. "Look, just … stop being an idiot, okay?"

"I'm not --"

"Later, Potter." And he left, looking very unhappy.

_Well that was a very one-sided conversation_, thought James, slightly bewildered. Was McKinnon…giving him the go-ahead with Lily? Not that James _needed_ it of course, but nonetheless….

He always liked that bloke.

Though, there was still the minor problem of Lily avoiding him at all costs.

It was the Prefect meeting Friday evening when James finally lost it. "Lost it" being what Peter had called the fiasco after he recounted the Prefect meeting to his friends.

It was a regular meeting. Really, the meetings were quite useless, but there they were. It was a relatively short meeting, as there was little to say or do.

"One last thing before you go," Lily said as several Prefects headed towards the doors. "There's Hogsmeade trip this weekend. Any of you who are going --" James noticed she worded this carefully, as Elsie Mockridge's parents had forbade her to leave the school premises -- "We'd like you to watch out for the other students, especially the younger ones. Make sure they don't go wondering off too far, or anything."

"Well," she said, with a glance at James. "I think that's all. Anything to add?"

"Nope, I think that covered it all."

So, with cheerful 'Goodbyes' (mostly from the girls, directed at James), the Prefects filed out of the Head's Lounge. Lily made to fellow them, but James grabbed her arm.

"Hang on a moment, I have something I need to say."

"I'll have my arm back, thank you," said Lily, and James let go immediately. He closed the door. Lily was leaning against the wall, looking rather tense.

"Alright. I'm just going to say it --" James took a deep breath. "I love you. And -- I don't care anymore."

Lily stared at him. "You don't…care?" she asked softly.

"I don't care what other people think. I don't care what you think, and I don't care whatever the hell I may think."

"James --" Lily said quietly.

"No, listen to me. I love you! Merlin curse me, I love you. I love you, and there's nothing anyone can do about it, so we both might as well just accept it!"

"James, no, I…" But her voice faltered, as James was standing right over her, looking intently into her eyes. "Can't --" she tried, weakly, but James would have none of it.

"Do you love me?"

"James, just --"

"_Do you love me_?"

Lily opened her mouth, then closed it again. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

James put his hands on her shoulders. "Answer me. If you say no, I -- I'll leave you alone, I promise. Just answer honestly, that's all I ask."

"Gosh, James --"

They were very close. James was staring into her eyes, searching them. And though she gave no answer, he found one, there, in the depth of her brilliant green eyes.

And before either could say anything to the other, they were one…his lips found hers, and they kissed furiously.

But then Lily pushed him away.

"No!" she cried, "Don't you see -- don't you -- it won't, we can't -- we just can't!"

"Why?" James demanded angrily. "Why can't we?"

"It will never -- it just can't -- it won't _work,_ James!"

"Why not?" James half shouted.

"I don't -- You just -- Merlin, James. How am I even supposed to know what to do?"

"What's there to know? I tell you I love you, and then I kiss you, so you kiss me back," James said. "I don't know why you're being so --"

"Me! Don't you act so -- so victimized!"

"Victimized? How the hell am I acting victimized?"

"What's there to know! What am I supposed to do, James? What? You tell me you love me when just before you act like you don't even want to be seen with --"

"If you mean this last week, you were avoiding _me_, as you very well know!"

"Yes, I was. But I don't mean this last bloody week, I mean you're Christmas Party!"

"I --"

"You know what I think, James?" Lily said, breathlessly. "I think you just want what you can't have! When we hated each other, you wanted to go out with me, but as soon as I start to -- to like you, you go and act all distant, and -- and leave me alone on some bloody dance floor!"

"You know that I --"

"And then!" shouted Lily, her voice raising. "And then we don't talk for a week, and here you are professing your love!"

"It's not like _I_ was trying to avoid you! You wouldn't talk to me! Maybe I've wanted to say this to you all week! But you wouldn't know, would you --"

"Do you really think I believe that?"

"You know what Lily?" said James angrily, losing his temper. "I don't want to be in love with you! But I don't have a choice. Merlin knows if I had a choice, I might've picked someone who wasn't so pig-headed!"

"And if I had a choice, I wouldn't be in love with someone so arrogant and --"

She stopped mid-sentence, having just realized what she had said.

There was silence.

"I love you, Lily," James said very, very quietly.

Lily didn't say anything.

"And now, you're supposed to say, 'I love you, James,' or something along those lines," James said rather irritably.

"I -- can't," Lily whispered.

"You just _did_!" he cried incredulously.

"I don't mean -- I just -- I can't do this…"

"And we're back to this!"

"It just won't work! Look at us! It won't _work_, James! It's too --"

"Hard? It's too hard? I guess you'd rather go back to your nice, boring Mick. Because he's safe; it's all rainbows and butterflies, and you never have to worry about anything with that git --"

"Oh, now I hate you, I hate you for that! How dare you --"

"Well, I'm right, aren't I!"

"Gosh, James! Don't you see? Look at us! How could this ever work? We're fighting again!"

"Well, that's what we do! You call me an arrogant prick and I call you an obstinate swot! And then," he said, moving towards her, "then, we kiss and make up."

Lily took a step back. "No, James," she said, shaking her head, tears just visible in her eyes. "No."

****

Author's Note: Another chapter down! This chapter was a lot of fun to write, but very difficult. Mainly because I fought with myself constantly. You can blame Remus for the reason this chapter took so long. He just wouldn't cooperate. Psh. Werewolves…so temperamental.

On thing I had to cut from this chapter that I really miss was the interaction between Remus and Lily. Originally (and for about two days until I finally had to kick him out!), it was Remus who followed Lily to the Head's Dorm, not James. To appease an angry werewolf, I'm going to put a bit of it here. It went something like this:

Startled, Lily jerked her head up. Remus Lupin was standing in the doorway. He didn't say anything else; he just stared at her with that sad look in his eye.

Embarrassed at being caught crying, Lily wiped her eyes with her sleeve. The silence was too much. "What are y-you doing here?" she asked, trying to sound casual. "I thought you hadn't g-guessed this password yet?" She tried to laugh, but coughed instead.

"Nah, we figured this one out ages ago…_Shrieking Shack_, I ask you…We just haven't told James yet so we could jump in on him sometime." Remus grinned sheepishly.

Lily hiccupped.

"I -- saw you, er, leave the common room."

Lily ventured a smile. "I can't imagine very many people didn't."

"Are you…okay?"

"I'm fine."

"Sirius told me what happened."

Lily stood up rather suddenly and turned away, her arms clutched tightly to her stomach.

"Look -- I just came to…James was upset, Lily. I mean, his…his dad just died."

"I know that," Lily said, feeling both angry and ashamed.

"I know you do. And I…I understand why you're upset. He had no right…I mean…" Remus sighed. "James acted rashly. He wanted answers, and he wasn't thinking about anything other than that. He's just…he's…frustrated. You know he doesn't believe that you --"

"I know."

Remus looked very relieved. "So…you'll talk to him?"

"Talk to him?"

"Well, yeah…He's just as upset as you are, Lily. You have to talk to him. It was just another silly fight…You two don't seriously mean to stay angry…right?" He gave her a hopeful look.

"I'm not angry at James right now," Lily said, not meeting his eyes.

Remus opened his mouth to say something, then closed it again.

"Marlene," Lily offered with another attempt at a laugh.

"Oh."

And then I was stuck for two whole days, unsure of where to go from here. It just wouldn't work. Soooo, I had to say goodbye Remus and hello James. Unfortunately, while the plot kept moving, there were only about three characters in this chapter. Well, four if you count Marlene, but she was hardly in it. (By the way, guys, I still love Marlene ;) )

Poor Mick…he's such a nice guy, and he suffers such abuse at my hands…heh.

Well, I'd really love any comments and critiques you could give me on this chapter, especially the last section. I had a lot of fun with that, but it was also difficult, trying to make it intense.

Bah, it's late. (11:00, oh my!) And a school night.

Hugs,

-Chloe.


End file.
